Bullying - how to teach children resilience?

Hawkesbury

Hawkesbury

Hawkesbury

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23 Nov 2009
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252
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GB
My Son has been bullied for 9 or so months, he is in year 8. He is a very quite, polite and studious young man. He also before moving to secondary school played academy football for a premiership club, but now does not even play at home due to the constant low level name calling and pushing about that happens at school. As a parent (and teacher) it is heart breaking to see someone so full of potential looking empty and uninterested in pretty much everything.

Initially I thought he needed to toughen up a bit, grow a thicker skin etc, but now I realise that he is who he is and he should not have to change because of other kids.

I was bullied at school for a short period of time, but it was all physical stuff that although painful never really crushed my enthusiasm like it seems to for my Son. He has recently discovered photography as a bit of an escape and I am delighted for him, however, Monday is back to school and already I am feeling the dread build in him for returning to school.

The school have been okay - not great with it. ('boys will be boys' is not an excuse!)

So anyone got any tips on how to build resilience in the short term for my son and increasingly my wife and I dealing with the person we love so much hating life. I know a computer forum is not probably the first place many would ask but just writing this post has really helped.
 
Have him disagnosed with

adhd
somewhere on the spectrum
some sort of gender identity discorder
whatever the next fad of having a special kid is

and threaten the school to sue them if his rights arent respected.

Or

Tell him to MTFU and knock one of them out.
 
Does he have many friends at school? I would have thought they'd stick up for him, surely? If he is struggling to make any friends then perhaps it isn't the school for him.

If you know anybody with children in the years above, you could ask them to ask their child to keep a lookout. An age differential of a year or two can make a big difference at that age.
 
See if you can get him interested in some sort of self defence classes so he doesn’t feel physically intimidated.

Talk to him about your friend’s son who’s being bullied and ask your son for some advice. Often when you’re giving advice to others it’s easier and then he can subliminally act on his own advice himself.
 
It's a difficult one. I've recently been doing some work with a 12yr old who has been bullied so badly he tried to take his own life. So my opinion is, remove him from any situation that looks like it could result in that level of seriousness.
 
Hawkesbury said:
So anyone got any tips on how to build resilience in the short term for my son and increasingly my wife and I dealing with the person we love so much hating life. I know a computer forum is not probably the first place many would ask but just writing this post has really helped.
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From personal experience and seeing it in others, the best thing you can do is start taking him to Martial Arts immediately, it doesn't matter which one. I was bullied relentlessly for years and it left me emotionally scared with extreme anxiety. It only stopped when i started taking Judo lessons and my confidence grew and boys learned not to mess with me. A cousin of mine on my wife's side was also having the same problem and he started Karate when he was 13 and within a year he went from what your son was to being popular and girls chasing him!

I'm not kidding here, learning self-defense is a sure-fire way to change his life in a positive way.
 
robgmun said:
From personal experience and seeing it in others, the best thing you can do is start taking him to Martial Arts immediately, it doesn't matter which one. I was bullied relentlessly for years and it left me emotionally scared with extreme anxiety. It only stopped when i started taking Judo lessons and my confidence grew and boys learned not to mess with me. A cousin of mine on my wife's side was also having the same problem and he started Karate when he was 13 and within a year he went from what your son was to being popular and girls chasing him!

I'm not kidding here, learning self-defense is a sure-fire way to change his life in a positive way.
Click to expand...

Interesting, pretty much sums my experience up. Bullied at secondary school, to the point whereby I wouldn't go in. Dad took me to Karate (Which turned into Ju-Jitsu!) but he didn't label it as anything, he merely just asked me if I wanted to have some fun and took me to class. It took about 9 months to fully take affect and wasn't really about the physical side of it, but it initially gave me a bit more confidence. In the end I stuffed my bully into a locker after he tried to attack me in CDT with a wood chisel. After that, I was left alone.

I'm not suggesting you train your son to kick anyone's teeth in, but it maybe a emotional confidence booster for him and will give him a sense of family, if he enjoys, all the better.
 
HoneyBadger said:
I'm not suggesting you train your son to kick anyone's teeth in, but it maybe a emotional confidence booster for him and will give him a sense of family, if he enjoys, all the better.
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This is the point i'm trying to make, in fact taking him to Martial Arts will teach him not to use it and use restraint unless attacked. like you, i only ever used what i learned once and that was it. But the fact it will give him confidence will change the way he's treated and people are attracted to confidence
 
Situations like these are really tough, it's hard to know the best course of action, especially if the School is next to useless.

See if the parents of the kids involved are aware, depending on their character it might be easily resolved this way.
 
robgmun said:
From personal experience and seeing it in others, the best thing you can do is start taking him to Martial Arts immediately, it doesn't matter which one. I was bullied relentlessly for years and it left me emotionally scared with extreme anxiety. It only stopped when i started taking Judo lessons and my confidence grew and boys learned not to mess with me. A cousin of mine on my wife's side was also having the same problem and he started Karate when he was 13 and within a year he went from what your son was to being popular and girls chasing him!

I'm not kidding here, learning self-defense is a sure-fire way to change his life in a positive way.
Click to expand...
I second this, my eldest son was suffering at the hands of a couple of bullies (although in primary school) and the school were pretty poor in responding. About 18 months ago we started taking both of our boys to martial arts classes (basically karate) and as well as the physical side it's really helped my eldest on the mental side as well and he's a lot less shy now and has a good group of friends. It's got to the stage where their punches hurt me though, so I'll have to watch that. :D

Good luck with everything, it's horrible when something like this starts when you're a parent
 
I second the recommendation to take up some sort of self defense.

Boxing clubs can be a great way to get some exercise and even make friends while building confidence, same with most martial arts such as Karate, Judo, etc.
 
Bundle their dads into a van and take them to a disused warehouse. Start scooping eyeballs out with a spoon, one by one.
 
If he stands up to the main bully even if he gets decked they are unlikely to target someone who fights back, you don't have to be a karate expert just show a willingness to fight rather than just sit there taking abuse.
 
I imagine I’m going to tell my kids to level anyone that steps on their toes.

Being passive / ‘resilient’ is terrible. It perpetuates the bullying. It makes your child feel powerless and weak - possibly worthy of being bullied.

Unfortunately there are some situations where you have to fight fire with fire.
 
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