Just bought my wife a new fridge

TheOracle said:
Can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it
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unless theres a wedding ring inside you should probably buy her a new hoover to go with it, maybe a pair of marigolds for washing the dishes if you didn't treat her to a dish washer yet.

ShiWarrior said:
if its filled with wine, her face will light up, otherwise it wont lol
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it will because the fridge has a light inside which is the joke :P
 
arknor said:
unless theres a wedding ring inside you should probably buy her a new hoover to go with it, maybe a pair of marigolds for washing the dishes if you didn't treat her to a dish washer yet.


it will because the fridge has a light inside which is the joke :p
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funny you should say that, as she actually bought me a Henry hoover last month. It’s bloody brilliant :D
 
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

The sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth.

I recently started a business in Afghanistan making land Mines that look like prayer mats.
It’s doing well, Prophets are through the roof.
 
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heres another

EMPLOYEE NOTICE

Due to the current financial situation caused by the Corona Virus and
slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to
put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement,
thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered
for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW
program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the
Government deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents
& Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any
further by the Government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much ****
(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always
prided themselves on the amount of **** they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring this to
the attention of your TD, who has been trained to give you all the **** you
can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
 
Mcnumpty2323 said:
heres another

EMPLOYEE NOTICE

Due to the current financial situation caused by the Corona Virus and
slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to
put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement,
thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
........
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That's more of a dodgy bloke down the pub joke I think :p

Dad jokes have to be cringe worthy not just bad.
 
Puzzled said:
That's more of a dodgy bloke down the pub joke I think :p

Dad jokes have to be cringe worthy not just bad.
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i will have to try harder :)

called an old school friend and asked what was he doing. He replied that he is working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment".

I was impressed.......
On further enquiring I learnt that he was washing dishes with hot water......under his wife's supervision.

better?
 
Latvian is rub lamp find genie.
Genie say, “What is three wishes?”
Latvian say, “I wish potato!” Then, POOF! Potato! Latvian so happy!
“Oh! Is potato! Is potato!” say Latvian.
Genie ask, “What is next wish?”
Latvian is say, “I wish you go away so can enjoy potato!” POOF! Too bad. Also, was only lamp.
 
I can't find my "Gone In 60 Seconds" dvd.
It was here a minute ago...

Is "buttcheeks" one word, or should I spread them apart?

My wife said she'd leave me if I didn't stop eating pasta.
Now I'm feeling cannelloni.

The other day I bought a thesaurus, but when I got home and opened it, all the pages were blank.
I can't find the words to describe how angry I am.
 
My wife asked for some peace and quiet while she did some cooking. So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
 
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