1 Big problem in relationship

dal

dal

dal

Associate
Joined
10 Sep 2005
Posts
909
Location
Lincolnshire
Hello GD,

Back in 2008 I got divorced and I got pretty screwed over, I haven't ever really got over this and I vowed I'd never get married again.
In 2011 I met my gf and in the early stages of the relationship after she mentioned marriage I told her I would never marry again, she seemed to accept this. Since then she has brought up marriage about 4 times and each time I've made it clear I wont get married again.
We bought a house together almost a year ago, I put £70 k down and she put nothing in, so the property was split 99% / 1%. Not long after that she said that although she knows I wont get married she'd like a ring on her finger so we got engaged, she promised then that she would never mention marriage again.

Yesterday ( after being asked if we'd set a date yet ) she says that she really wants marriage, that's all she's ever dreamed of since she was 5 and she asks me for what seems like the 5000th time why I wont get married I tell her yet again that it's because if we split up she gets 50% of the house even though she's put nothing into it and I've put £70 k in, and that's the only reason. As per usual she takes it the wrong way and says it feels like it's because she's not good enough, we have a bit of a argument then she starts packing her stuff. We agree to split up and she's moved back to her mums.

We both feel really down & neither of us want to be apart but marriage is something she really wants but I'm too scared of loosing out again and I've got a lot to loose. I want to be with her but clearly there's no point in getting back together again unless we can sort this out.



I've been googling prenups and from what I've read the court can divert from a prenup so it would seem there is no guarantee I'd be protected with one. I told her today I was looking at pre-nuptial agreements and she said she'd sign anything to say that she wouldn't get anything if we split up. I don't think she is after my money at all but I don't want to put myself in a position where I could get screwed.
 
I (don't) know how you feel, having (not) been in your position before.
But you have my sympathy.

You're right though; you need to sort this out before you take things any further. Are you never going to have kids together?
 
I reckon you need to find both belief and trust in her, until you can do this, there is no future for you both!

Good luck!
 
Buying the ring in the first place was a bad move imho.

It would be a massive shame if you were to split given that you both want to be with each other; she sounds very genuine.

If you can sort out a prenup then do it, but if not, I would still do it. If you think she is the one for you then it's worth the risk to make her happy.

Good luck :)
 
your mistake was to put 70K into a house you share with someone else on a mortgage, lover or not,

you should have started this on level ground, and held the 70K in savings.

recovering from this? sell the house/flat, get your 70K back, get another mortgage and start a fresh, filter off the 70K somewhere 'special' then marry her

simples
 
Difficult position - try speaking to a couple of lawyers/solicitors about the pre-nup situation and see what they say. Should get a short chat for free from most places.

Hope you get things sorted
 
Make sure you're wrapping up before getting your wick wet dude, she may use the classic baby trap to get the wedding she wants.

Don't trust her if she is telling you she is on the pill. Not worth it.
 
Cheers guys, pre nuptial might be a option, as I said it's not watertight though.
 
psd99 said:
I reckon you need to find both belief and trust in her, until you can do this, there is no future for you both!

Good luck!
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Bingo.

It's very negative baggage to be carrying onto a relationship - planning for failure ahead of planning for success is damned stupid.

It's your issue, dude, not hers. Get your **** together or accept that your unwillingness to commit is going to be the reason it fails.

Besides;
2) Duration of the Marriage - Short Marriages

If a divorce petition is filed in a short, childless marriage (normally less than 5 years duration) it is unlikely that a 50/50 division of assets will be ordered particularly if one spouse brought substantially more assets to the marriage. Normally assets acquired prior to the marriage will be retained, or returned to the spouse who originally had them, and assets accumulated during the marriage will be divided on a 50/50 basis when the parties divorce.
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http://www.bsdivorcesolicitors.co.uk/capital.php
 
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Two things, you're both idiots. She's been lying about marriage to you and even more daft is you know she's lying and continued.

Secondly my personal opinion is marriage is a stupid idea, one of the many things people simply say/see/hear about so often then thinks it's normal and makes sense without any logical thought. I personally don't want to get married and on that note would prefer to be with someone who doesn't equate happiness with having a big day in church, but that's me.

You got married once so I presume you had no philosophical problem with marriage itself, so stop being daft and presuming that every marriage has the same outcome.

If you plan to be with this women for the rest of your life happily if you didn't get married, and you don't have an objection to marriage but are just put off by a previous experience.... get over it.

Engage your brain, use logic, work out what went wrong in the first marriage and address it. You had a bitter divorce, a bad relationship afterwards I presume, hatred. So, get a pre-nup, agree upfront what would happen with custody of kids, agree who would move out of where and agree to maybe update the information after big life changes. Agree that if things start going wrong, to not attempt to stay together beyond when the relationship should be done and break up as friends rather than 6 months or 16 years later as enemies.

You got screwed, so come up with a situation in which you can't be screwed, make it exceptionally clear upfront what happened and come up with a plan so it can't happen again.

You also exceptionally clearly got yourself into this situation, I would say that subconsciously you do want to get married and let yourself believe the "I just want an engagement ring" story. You probably want to get married but simply equate marriage with your previous experience rather than calmly reason that you can avoid the same outcome.

The most important thing is to communicate, she clearly wants to get married, you can't be with her and things will go sour if you don't by the looks of things. So what do you have to lose by explaining flat out what happened and that you want to take measures to avoid it. If she refuses, then the relationship ends, it looks like it will end up that way anyway, if she is happy to sign pre-nups and come up with a fair way to divorce in the future, then maybe you'll find yourself wanting to get married.
 
dal said:
she asks me for what seems like the 5000th time why I wont get married I tell her yet again that it's because if we split up she gets 50% of the house even though she's put nothing into it and I've put £70 k in, and that's the only reason. As per usual she takes it the wrong way and says it feels like it's because she's not good enough, we have a bit of a argument then she starts packing her stuff. We agree to split up and she's moved back to her mums.
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Regardless of what's true, how else did you expect that accusation to end?:p

Just ask her what marriage will actually change? How will your relationship be any different after marriage? What about it has she being "dreaming of since she was 5"?

Ultimately just fall back on marriage being an obsolete institution that used to socially allow a transistion in the relationship e.g. Sex, children, co-habitance. You can do all of that now without marriage and it be socially acceptable.
 
Zethor said:
How does she text? I think it's an important piece of information to consider, before you do anything.
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All women should be judged on the quality of their grammar, spelling, and punctuation.

(Inbe4 thread turns into debate over my use of 'and' after a comma)
 
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