2 Jokes

Aruffell

Aruffell

Aruffell

Soldato
Joined
29 Dec 2004
Posts
5,653
Location
Chatham, Kent
An English ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees
a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.
He figures he'll have some fun, so he says to the Welshman, "Can I talk to
your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?
Dog: "Doin' alright."
Villager: (Look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (Pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep."
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me
to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (Look of disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either. I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Villager: (Absolutely dumfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the villager)
Horse: "Yep."
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me
down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (Total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: (In a panic) "The sheep's a liar!!"
Click to expand...


Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?" asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter. The assistant looked at him and asked: "Are you Irish?"

"If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian"? Demanded the Irishman indignantly. "Or, if I asked for German
Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?" then, warming to his theme, he went on: "Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? "Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya? Would Ya?"

The assistant said: "Well no".

Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear. "And if I asked you for frogs legs, would you ask me if I was French"? "What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't," conceded the assistant.

So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?"

The assistant replied: "Because you're in Homebase!"
Click to expand...

Andy
 
A woman goes to a small shop and buys some milk, some cereals, and some orange juice. As she goes to the counter to pay the cashier looks at her shopping and says "excuse me miss, are you single?"

The woman is amazed that he could tell just by her shopping. She looks at her items again and still doesn't know what gave it away, so in the end she asks: "how did you know?"

"Because you're bloody ugly."
 
3 millionaires were talking amoungst themselves a welshmen a scotsman and irishman. The welshman said " my wife bought a £40000 bmw and she cant even drive"
The scotsman said "thats nothing my wife bought a £50000 swimming pool and she cant even swim"
Finaly the irishman said " thats nothing my wife is off to ibiza and she bought £60000 worth of condoms and she aint even got a willy"
:)
 
bakes0310 said:
3 millionaires were talking amoungst themselves a welshmen a scotsman and irishman. The welshman said " my wife bought a £40000 bmw and she cant even drive"
The scotsman said "thats nothing my wife bought a £50000 swimming pool and she cant even swim"
Finaly the irishman said " thats nothing my wife is off to ibiza and she bought £60000 worth of condoms and she aint even got a willy"
:)
Click to expand...

LMAO
 
These two blokes are lost in the Sahara desert. They're desperate for water, but just as they think they're about to die, they chance upon a village where market day is in full swing.

They go to the first stall they see and ask if they can buy some water.

"No," replies the Bedouin stall owner, "I only sell fruit, Fruit is all I sell

So off they go to the next stall and again they ask for water.

"Sorry," says the merchant, "But I only sell custard."

"Custard?" one of the blokes says to the other, "What kind of place is this?"

By now desperate, they go to the next stall, only to be told, "Sorry, but I only sell jelly."

They decide to give up and move on, one turns to the other and says "wasn"t that extremely odd?" his friend turns to him and replies "yes it was a trifle bazaar"
 
Rotty said:
These two blokes are lost in the Sahara desert. They're desperate for water, but just as they think they're about to die, they chance upon a village where market day is in full swing.

They go to the first stall they see and ask if they can buy some water.

"No," replies the Bedouin stall owner, "I only sell fruit, Fruit is all I sell

So off they go to the next stall and again they ask for water.

"Sorry," says the merchant, "But I only sell custard."

"Custard?" one of the blokes says to the other, "What kind of place is this?"

By now desperate, they go to the next stall, only to be told, "Sorry, but I only sell jelly."

They decide to give up and move on, one turns to the other and says "wasn"t that extremely odd?" his friend turns to him and replies "yes it was a trifle bazaar"
Click to expand...

Winner!
 
A man rushes into his house and shouts to his wife "Brenda, pack your things I've just won millions on the lottery. "Fantastic, should I pack for warm or cold weather?" she asks.

"I don't care" says the man

"so long as you're out by noon" :p
 
Cybermyk said:
A man rushes into his house and shouts to his wife "Brenda, pack your things I've just won millions on the lottery. "Fantastic, should I pack for warm or cold weather?" she asks.

"I don't care" says the man

"so long as you're out by noon" :p
Click to expand...

LOL she thinks she's going on holiday but he's actually telling her to get lost! :D
 
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