A few jokes

antijoke

antijoke

antijoke

Caporegime
Joined
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1) Tim Vine "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

2) David Gibson "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

3) Emo Philips "I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them."

4) Jack Whitehall "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

5) Gary Delaney "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

6) John Bishop "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

7) Bo Burnham "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."

8) Gary Delaney "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

9) Robert White "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty."

10) Gareth Richards "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"
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No they aren't my own, they are taken from the BBc, but still, they might rise a smile here.
 
Dj_Jestar said:
To give context, these were the top 10 jokes from Edinburgh Fringe, Tim Vine winning.
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I did copy and paste that into my OP but I deleted it along with the link to the bad jokes. :o

simulatorman said:
You should have left them on the Beeb. ;)
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Just for that have the worst jokes.

:p

Sara Pascoe "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."

Sean Hughes "You know city-centre beat officers... Well are they police who rap?"

John Luke Roberts "I made a Battenberg where the two colours ran alongside each other. I called it apartheid sponge."

Emo Phillips "I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.

Bec Hill "Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn't have the energy to climb up the stairs."

Dan Antopolski "How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan."
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I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone.

Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…

Could someone explain these to me. Does not compute :(
 
Stone is a unit of weight. Bird is slang for woman.
Pubs often use Wooden Spoons with numbers on as a table markers so the waiter/waitress knows where to take food. If you walk into a pub with a number on a spoon you might get food that someone else paid for.
 
5 is easily the best one there, although if not for that one I'd choose the chess one in the worst list! While I'm sure the others were funnier in the context of a stand-up routine. They don't stand-up (:D!) very well on their own.
 
how was this the funniest joke
"1) Tim Vine "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

i've heard loads better
 
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