A Joke!
- Thread starter mohawk
- Start date
Soldato
- Joined
- 15 Aug 2007
- Posts
- 15,788
- Location
- Outside in the bushes
Whats the difference between a woman with PMT and a rottwieler?
The womans the one wearing lipstick.
*hides through fear of retaliating women*
The womans the one wearing lipstick.
*hides through fear of retaliating women*
Genesis 1 - the first eight verses, in PR-speak:
1. At the outset, God’s agenda was to basically focus on his core deliverables, namely two leading-edge products, (a) heaven and (b) earth.
2. However, the earth lacked an overall concept, and had a low profile in terms of its key audiences. Obviously the Spirit of God had to step back and benchmark the existing waters before his game plan could get the green light.
3. And God’s key message was that light was a strategic objective, and it was covered-off.
4. And God’s perception of the light was that it was fit for purpose. However, his desired goal was that light and darkness should be differentiated in the marketplace.
5. So God branded the light "Day", and the darkness he branded "I Can’t Believe It’s Not Light". And the evening session and morning session made up Day One.
6. Then God set out with the object of factoring-in a firmament to interface with the existing generic waters, to bring to the party two segmented brands.
7. So God tasked himself with the job of rolling-out a firmament, to supply a proactive vehicle for launching his two distinct waters products, and it was up and running.
8. And God branded the firmament "heaven". And at close of play, the prioritised actions for Day Two were ticked off.
Source.
1. At the outset, God’s agenda was to basically focus on his core deliverables, namely two leading-edge products, (a) heaven and (b) earth.
2. However, the earth lacked an overall concept, and had a low profile in terms of its key audiences. Obviously the Spirit of God had to step back and benchmark the existing waters before his game plan could get the green light.
3. And God’s key message was that light was a strategic objective, and it was covered-off.
4. And God’s perception of the light was that it was fit for purpose. However, his desired goal was that light and darkness should be differentiated in the marketplace.
5. So God branded the light "Day", and the darkness he branded "I Can’t Believe It’s Not Light". And the evening session and morning session made up Day One.
6. Then God set out with the object of factoring-in a firmament to interface with the existing generic waters, to bring to the party two segmented brands.
7. So God tasked himself with the job of rolling-out a firmament, to supply a proactive vehicle for launching his two distinct waters products, and it was up and running.
8. And God branded the firmament "heaven". And at close of play, the prioritised actions for Day Two were ticked off.
Source.
Doctors' True Stories
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one? " I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new patch every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one? " I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new patch every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Permabanned
- Joined
- 18 Jan 2007
- Posts
- 500
- Location
- Edinburgh
What's the difference between Jade Goody and Stevie Wonder?
Stevie Wonder has a better chance of seeing Christmas.
(sorry)
Harsh.
Caporegime
- Joined
- 28 Jun 2007
- Posts
- 52,812
- Location
- Tamworth, UK
That's excellent.
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for a bout 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun was loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
MORAL:
Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for a bout 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun was loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
MORAL:
Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
/controversy
A white man finds a bottle and rubs it. A genie pops out. The genie says, 'I've been in there for centuries. Thank you for letting me out. You get three wishes. I'm tired of talk—just think of them and they will be.' So the man thinks and—poof!—a mansion appears. Next—poof!—naked women are running around everywhere. Then—poof!—the KKK appear in full garb, take the man out and lynch him from a tree. The next day the genie is at Starbucks talking with other genies because that's where they drink their coffee. He speaks of the day before. 'They all wish for the same thing: the mansion and naked women. But the third wish is so confusing. Why would you want to be hung like a black man.
If more people knew the distinction between hung and hanged lives would be saved.
I'm pretty sure that joke has already been said at least 10 times this week on the forums
/controversy
A white man finds a bottle and rubs it. A genie pops out. The genie says, 'I've been in there for centuries. Thank you for letting me out. You get three wishes. I'm tired of talk—just think of them and they will be.' So the man thinks and—poof!—a mansion appears. Next—poof!—naked women are running around everywhere. Then—poof!—the KKK appear in full garb, take the man out and lynch him from a tree. The next day the genie is at Starbucks talking with other genies because that's where they drink their coffee. He speaks of the day before. 'They all wish for the same thing: the mansion and naked women. But the third wish is so confusing. Why would you want to be hung like a black man.