A marginally better than average Friday joke....

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says "Hang on! You're a duck.
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk" exclaims the barman."I see your ears are working, too" Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round
this way?
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains
the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and
wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a
newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his
paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and
leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus
comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be
just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches,
reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey
Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"Says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus,"says the barman "The circus? "Repeats the duck.
That's right," Replies the barman.
"The circus?" The duck asks again "with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in
caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the
middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement,
and says .. . ..
"What the **** FULLY STAR OUT SWEARIES would they want with a plasterer??!"
 
A German approaches a prostitute and says, "I vish to buy sex vit you."

"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 60 euro an hour."

"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."

"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky." So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs."
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs to her elbows and knees. "Now you vill get on your hans und knees." She duly does this, balancing on the springs.

"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you." She find this odd, but it's harmless, and after all the guy is paying well. The sex is fantastic.

She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has recovered the breath to say:

"That was totally amazing, where did you learn how to do that?"

"Ah," says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique"
 
My girlfriends favourite joke:

A Rabbit walks into a bar, after getting over the surprise the barman asks the Rabbit what he would like.

The Rabbit says "I'll have a double Vodka and a Ham & Cheese toasted Sandwich". The barman gives the Rabbit the Vodka & Sandwich and the Rabbit takes them outside outside.

A little while later the Rabbit comes back to the bar "Get me a double Vodka and a Bacon & Mushroom toasted Sandwich". The barman gives the Rabbit his order and the Rabbit goes outside.

30 minutes later and looking a little wobbly the Rabbit comes back and orders a Chicken & Bacon toasted Sandwich and another double Vodka. The barman looks concerned and tells the Rabbit that it's really strong Vodka & he can't handle much more. Unfazed the Rabbit takes his Vodka and Sandwich outside.

An hour passes and the Rabbit stumbles back to the bar.. Slurring his words he says "I'll haave a sheesh aand shurrkey stoashted shandwich, aand aanocher double Vodcka". The barman says "There's no way you can handle another one" but the Rabbit says he's fine, takes his order and stumbles outside again.

A few hours pass and there's no sign of the Rabbit. The barman walks outside and finds the Rabbit at the bottom of the Garden lying on his back with his feet in the air & obviously in pain.. "See, I told you that you couldn't handle all that Vodka" said the barman..

The Rabbit replied "It waschn't the Vodka.. It was Mixin'-me-toaschties"
 
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