Another Relationship Problem Thread

Matt-Page

Matt-Page

Matt-Page

Soldato
Joined
23 Nov 2004
Posts
3,794
All,

This is a personal mater which i would like your opinion on, and please no **** taking as it is not something i am enjoying. I will try to keep it short so people don't loose interest.

I am 21 and my partner is 27

I have been with my current partner for 4 years, 7 months. After 3 years we didn't seem to get on as well. At the start we were great together and would do anything for eachother.

We decided last October to buy a house together. I think i thought our problems were because we couldn't be together all the time and i felt like a sponger at her house. (I was living with parents and she had bought her first house, which i was staying at quite a bit). It was/is a 2 bedroom cottage which needed lots of rennovation work (Gas installed/complete re-wire/damp proofing/completely gutting and re-fitting) Well anyway were about 70% through the work, but things have got REALLY bad between us in the past 6 months. (I wont drone on about this but what made me rally upset was her telling me i had put on a bit of weight since starting my career ((I.T. Techy - 2.5 stone gained)) and didn't fancey me anymore. She also said i was now boring. :(

I don't think either of us is to blame individually but we argue a lot, don't want to spend time together, etc. I am currently sleeping on floorboards in the spare room :(

I am now at the end of my teather and want out. We bought the house together, but she put down the deposit and money to renovate the house, wich she made from selling her first house. I got a contract written up before we bought the house which said she would get back everything she put into it in case anything bad happened.

She put in £35k (10 % deposit on a 120k house + rennovation costs)
I put in 1k (My years bonus and all my savings. I was only 20 and not long out of College)

Now i have done most of the work myself (knocking down walls, gutting the place, plumbing, tilling, kitchen fitting, decorating, etc etc)

She is telling me i will get basically nothing, because she will get her 35k back (if it makes this much) plus 60% of what is left, as her money she put in, helped to increase it's value, with no mention of my hours/weeks/months of spare time put into it.

I would be happy with %50 of what is left after the 35k, but she said i wont get a penny and is getting really nasty.

I am doing something about this now as it is making me depressed, ill and wanting to do stupid things. I need some advice and guidance and so appreciate your comments. What should i do?
 
Only one piece of sensible advice.

Go see a solicitor, no point going into how this will plan out as each case is different. Get legal advice now, not armchair lawyers.
 
I can't afford one, and i don't want to put myself or my partner through this, if i am likely to leave with nothing after the court fee's, etc.

Maybe i should try the Citizens Advice bureau?

Half tempted just to pack my things and leave everything to her.

The other problem is she has now involved all of her family, who wil shortly be on my back about things.

I haven't spoken to anyone about it except my closest friends and now x thousand of people who will read this. :rolleyes: Feeling really low at the moment so sorry if i am waisting peoples bandwith :(
 
Yes try the C.A.B. most of them used to be lawyers anyway.

As for not being able to afford a lawyer the threshold for being allowed legal aid is surprisingly high, worth looking into. Even if for the moment you just go to an initial appointment with one to find out where you stand.
 
most of disputes never make it to court, they get settled. You want legal advise so you know how much to the sale proceeds you are entitled to. Or you can brush up on your contract law and defend yourself.

CAB is an option, but as the saying goes, "only a fool has himself for a client."
 
I'm not being vindicitive, but have you tried sorting out your differences at all? At 27 it would strike me very odd if she was 'bored'.
 
Yes we have tried, i said i needed time to think a week ago, and told her i would be away for a week.

She burst into floods of tears saying she was sorry for breaking me down and hadn't realises until i was thinking of splitting up. She admitted she had been horrible and never wanted to loose me. I said i would give it 1 last try. But low and behold she started again after 2 days of her being nice.

I have tried numerous times over the months to sort things out, but she never wanted to come near me, etc which made me feel insecure about myself and naturally upset me. She as done everyhting to me, including leaving suicide threats on my voicemail and screaming at me down the phone.

Another reason i have left it for so long, is these suicide threats, and that i don't wan to upset her. But it has gone on too long now, and i am worried it will depress me further if i don't get out now.
 
Either one of two scenarios has played out.

1) Over time your relationship grew apart and she lost interest in you possibly due to you paying less attention to her and she feels so upset about it that she can't tell the truth and needs to find an excuse, that is you gaining weight. In which case simply talking to her and asking her if shes telling the whole truth might unearth this.

2) She is incredibly vain and does actually want to leave you for gaining weight (if so WTF!!) and could have even been using you to do the rennovation work even though she had decided to leave you months ago.

If scenario 2 is correct then she is an evil expletive. If I were you i'd undo all the work I had done on the house possible then leave her immediately thinking yourself lucky that £1k was all she got.

EDIT:
Matt-Page said:
She burst into floods of tears saying she was sorry for breaking me down and hadn't realises until i was thinking of splitting up. ..2 days later horrible again.

Another reason i have left it for so long, is these suicide threats, and that i don't wan to upset her. But it has gone on too long now, and i am worried it will depress me further if i don't get out now.
Click to expand...

OK this is blatently scenario 2 and she is evil. She's MANIPULATING YOU into staying by saying she still wants to be together and threatening to commit suicide. DO NOT TAKE IT SERIOUSLY as most likely the only reason shes doing it is to get you to stay just long enough to finish the rennovation work.

If you can somehow trick her into thinking the rennovation work is done then you'll have your answer.
 
Last edited:
Matt can I ask you one question?

On the assumption that I can ask one I will ask several ;)

Has she reduced your self confidence?
Do you back down to avoid her getting upset?
Do you show how much her threats and tears affect you?

If that is the case you sound like you are in a position I was in with my ex.

Bought a house and she was older but I never stood up to her properly. Sure we argued etc and she got upset but as soon as she did I would back down.

Could be that your partner is looking for you to stand up to her. Go back to being as strong and as confident as you were when you first started going out.

In the end I still left as the damage had been done. I simply advised my partner how much would be lost on solicitors fees if she would not buy me out. We then came to an agreed figure that we were both happy with.
 
Lose weight and start doing things again with each other, go out to places, be fun! You have to work at relationships.
 
Nathan said:
Lose weight and start doing things again with each other, go out to places, be fun! You have to work at relationships.
Click to expand...

There is clearly a deep underlying problem, that will only be temporaraly solved by meals out and flowers. People don't put you down and make you feel low then threaten to kill themselfs if you leave them unless they have their own problems.

If she doesn't find you physically attractive or mentally stimulating then she should be the one wanting to leave. She doesn't because I think she is probably very insecure, she is putting you down to make herself feel strong and in control but as soon as you threaten to leave her insecurity shows.

You really need to talk if you want to save the relationship. If you both truely love eachother then you can find a way but you have to be totally honest and open, which it sounds like she will find hard.
 
Last edited:
Sounds to me you knew it wouldn't work before you even got this new house.
It also sounds to me as if you have switched roles aswell.
She is dictating what's going on like a man and you are acting like a weak women. Of course she is bored of you.
Also you have put on over 2 stone which is far to much for anyone to put on. Forget her and think of your health and lose that weight for starters.
You need to take a step back and give yourself a good shake. Start acting like a geezer and get on with your life.
Reverting back to your original self will either give you the strength to move on or make her realise she loves you.
As far as the house goes personally i would just say **** you ***** and walk out and tell her where to stick her few grand.
Bare in mind that when you are 25 she will be 32 and just about past it.
get yourself a new women that is a women and doesn't act like a man.

Guys in there early 20's should really be riding girls of there own age, after all it's about the only time you can enjoy young women so make the most of it. Do not waste your time on Old women.
 
cleanbluesky said:
Sexist.



Ageist.

But nevermind, you too in time will be 'old' and enjoy the sharp end of the ignorance that you now display....
Click to expand...


You display your ignorance Very well CBS i am 41. :p
 
malc30 said:
Sounds to me you knew it wouldn't work before you even got this new house.
It also sounds to me as if you have switched roles aswell.
She is dictating what's going on like a man and you are acting like a weak women. Of course she is bored of you.
Also you have put on over 2 stone which is far to much for anyone to put on. Forget her and think of your health and lose that weight for starters.
You need to take a step back and give yourself a good shake. Start acting like a geezer and get on with your life.
Reverting back to your original self will either give you the strength to move on or make her realise she loves you.
As far as the house goes personally i would just say **** you ***** and walk out and tell her where to stick her few grand.
Bare in mind that when you are 25 she will be 32 and just about past it.
get yourself a new women that is a women and doesn't act like a man.

Guys in there early 20's should really be riding girls of there own age, after all it's about the only time you can enjoy young women so make the most of it. Do not waste your time on Old women.
Click to expand...
OMG older women are absolutely amazing. I am 19 and would love a 32 year old MILF. As I have said before, women are like wine mate, they get better with age (well up to a certain point, after that the wine tastes bad). I Can't wait till I am in my 30's cause then all the women will be hott.
 
CBS
Am going to ignore your pickiness as it bores me stupid. What has me got to do with this thread ?

To clarify for others.
Basically i beleive in a Male role and a female role in a relationship. Both as valuable as each other and both respecting each others role.
These days i feel that to many couples swap roles which is unnnatural and leads to problems.
It seems to me as if a young lad has gone with an older women and she has taken the lead in the relationship. He has been subserveant and she has become bored.
I hope that makes more sense.


SoSolid. Old birds are alright for riding but not for settling down with if you are much younger than her.
Just my opinion by the way lets not get carried away here.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom