Another Relationship Thread

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Hey all,

I've been with my current g/f for about a year now. We don't live close to each other (I'm in Yorkshire, she's in Midlands). As of late somethings been happening which I found very strange at time, thought she might be cheating on me, but it wasn't that.

Seems her parents want her to get married to some bloke, and being Asian/Muslim, this kind of area is a tuff topic to understand. I know she has a freedom of speech and can say no, but she hasn't. It's been going on for some time now, maybe 3-4months.

Our parents don't know we're seeing each other, and I told my mother yesterday. She wasn't to pleased since our relegion says not to look at a girl/intercourse before marriage.

I don't know what to do, I asked her what can we do? Can you tell your parents, or my parents could have a word with yours?

She was like no, it will mess up things for me (I don't know what things ), she goes, we could stay friends and see how it goes, but that's just like her breaking up with me and I don't really want that.

I'm 19 and so is she, I know it's a young age, I've been with about 5 girls in m y entire life, and this has been the most serious and I really think It will work.

I'm really confused and don't know what to do, could any of you guys advise me

Thanks.

 

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If she isnt willing to tell her parents then call it quits and end it with her and move on.

Yeah, I've never ended a realtionship before tbh. All my others were ended because of cheating or lack of intrest lol.

Going to be a hard job to move on, I just can't bare to think she'll be happy with this bloke who's all relegious and stuff. She says she won't and will always love me, but I just don't belive that

 

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Indeed.

It's not like I have much experience of the OPs background or culture but I did know a similar case whereby the boy and girl ended up getting married quite quickly and this staved off the parent's desire to see the girl married to someone else.

19 is awfully young to make decisions that will likely effect you for the rest of your life. What is it you want from this girl exactly?

Tell us what you want and it will help us advise.

Welcome to the cruel world BTW

Yeah, My mother says it's too early for you to get married. Get your education first and build a foundation so you'll be able to support her and when you have kids.

I just want to be with her CBS, I really am happy with her, we never argue, it's like we're meant to be. But this has come up, and a side of me says, let her go, her family will be happy with her.

In our culture pride/respect means a lot to a Family, they do these arranged marriages to move up ranks of respect. It's hard to explain but you probably get an idea. She said to me, if I tell my family about you, they'll say pack your bags and tell him to come pick you up. I can't do that, because it will lead to her family disowning her.

Can't mess up someone else's life just for your own selfishness.

 

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Yeah it is a tough call. Girls in her family get married early, the bloke is about 24-25. Guess I have to think this through, and make the right decision. Letting go would be hard, but guess it's worth it....

 

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Sorry I am confused - are you both Muslim?

BB x

Yes we are both Muslims and of Pakistani decent.

 

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Forgive me if anything I say comes across as being naive, but I'm only giving my opinions on what I know... so apols in advance

Lol no problem

Are her family very strict Muslim? (I guess you don't know if you haven't met them).

They're not as strict as not letting her go out and stuff. She's mainly indoors, prays when she can, her dad teachers children to read the qur'an and prays. Same with maybe the rest.

One of my friends's family are pretty cool about arranged marriages etc, I asked if she had met someone off her own accord would they be happy with them getting married and she said yes. But its nice to have arranged marriage as an option because there are no decent men around atm!

Her mum doesn't mind her finding someone, her dad does. He wants it to stay "in cast".

Cast being the kind of family you are from and what they did back in Pakistan. Like you have tailores/carpenters/farmers and some others. My cast and her cast are totally different.

I don't know about your area though... basically it seems to me that it is your girlf's decision... her family can only say no surely? But its the fact that she isn't willing to try which makes me sad

Yeah that's what I think, it is her decision and I'll have to accept it. I don't think she's willing to try, that's why I feel really crap as I think maybe this is just an escape route and she wants to go. I am a very emotional person in these situations. However very "alpha" male too.

 

[Vita]

Please forgive myself and Rich_L for pointing to your age, as two guys in their mid 20s I think we'd both tesitfy that there is a lot of change that happens when you are 19 and to set things in stone may shut down a lot of good options that would make you happy as you get older.

Yeah, even my friends said I'm too young for this kind of thing. She'd be risking a lot, and I would aswell. I told her from the day I met her, whatever happens your family has to come first. I'm being selfish, I have to admit, when she said lets try and be friends and see what happens. I said No I can't, I just won't be able to see you in that way.

Which is true, as I've never kept my friendship with any of my ex's apart from one which I have known since a young age. I told my mother about her too, but she doesn't like her family so that's a no go.

I think it may also be a good idea to step back and say "what does the lady in my life want?" becasue a large part of this situation depends on her.
Be supportive of her, and try not to get hurt.

Yeah I will be very supportive as of now, trying to not get hurt is a hard thing .

I'd say let the situation play as it will, becasue it seems that it is more than just you on the line here.
Concentrate on keeping happy regardless of what happens, be open to new oportunities.

I can't ever be happy tbh. I've had a lot gone on in my life. Being an only child kinda sucks since I don't have much people to talk to regarding these matters. Mates are too "blokey" and be very critical saying "told you so." I have a couple of hobbies, but weathers been kind of crap so haven't got chance to do them.

I thank you guys a lot since it has made me think positive and what ever happens, happens for the best right?

 

[Vita]

So you're supposed to marry before even looking at a girl?

Pardon my ignorance

Well "realtionships" are not meant to happen. You're meant to go to the house, see the daughter, decide and then ask her hand in marriage if you like her.

 

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Not only that - you should be man enough to ask her parents for her hand in marriage.

You folk got no balls.

I can ask for hand in marriage. But I need to chose, either her or my education. I don't have a job or enough money and can't take money from parents as my pride gets the best of me :\

 

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Seems a bit strange to me - how can you know if she's the right person for you to marry without getting to know her, and seeing if you'd work together as a couple in the same house?

Meh, I'm beyond my depth as an ignorant Englishman here

I forgot the getting to know you part lol. It's mostly based on family decision in some cases, if the background of the opposite family is good and they can look after the daughter. a lot of curruption too in some cases

 

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Yeah thanks, I understand.

Bit of an update, I spoke to her today and she goes she'll have a word with her mum. Apparently, she's scared of her family saying no you can't be with him, and they may emotionally blackmail her. Saying you've disrespected our family and stuff.

In my mind I've pretty much have set that I have to let her go, incase she gets hurt. We'll have to see what happens.

 

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Yeah hopefully

 

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Yeah, have been talking to her. She's going to tell her parents soon enough, when she's ready.

If not, then I have to accept the decision

 

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**UPDATE**

Well I took everything into consideration and this is what happend.

I went to a wedding on sunday, my ex's sister got married. Her parents are family friends so I've known her for about 10 years and really liked her. Childhood sweethearts some used to say. She rang me yesterday and told me she loved me and stuff, (she just came out of a realtionship), I asked her if she was on a rebound and she said no.

So we got talking and I admitted I still had feelings for her and she said the same to me. Come today, she said she can't do it and chose her ex over me.
So that's done, and I feel like crap.


Now the current g/f, I decided and spoke to her on the phone about. Decided it was best to call it a day, told her I spoke to my ex and everything and she wasn't upset by it, she goes it's happend now. Again I feel like crap, I don't like being single, but I've done the right thing I guess.

That's it then, ex lies and says she wants me, I go and tell current g/f better of without a relationship.

 

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Yeah, friging hate it.