Another Relationship Thread

Vita

Vita

Vita

Soldato
Joined
26 Mar 2006
Posts
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Location
United Kingdom
Hey all,

I've been with my current g/f for about a year now. We don't live close to each other (I'm in Yorkshire, she's in Midlands). As of late somethings been happening which I found very strange at time, thought she might be cheating on me, but it wasn't that.

Seems her parents want her to get married to some bloke, and being Asian/Muslim, this kind of area is a tuff topic to understand. I know she has a freedom of speech and can say no, but she hasn't. It's been going on for some time now, maybe 3-4months.

Our parents don't know we're seeing each other, and I told my mother yesterday. She wasn't to pleased since our relegion says not to look at a girl/intercourse before marriage.

I don't know what to do, I asked her what can we do? Can you tell your parents, or my parents could have a word with yours?

She was like no, it will mess up things for me (I don't know what things :(), she goes, we could stay friends and see how it goes, but that's just like her breaking up with me and I don't really want that.

I'm 19 and so is she, I know it's a young age, I've been with about 5 girls in m y entire life, and this has been the most serious and I really think It will work.

I'm really confused and don't know what to do, could any of you guys advise me :(

Thanks.
 
Deluxe1 said:
If she isnt willing to tell her parents then call it quits and end it with her and move on.
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Yeah, I've never ended a realtionship before tbh. All my others were ended because of cheating or lack of intrest lol.

Going to be a hard job to move on, I just can't bare to think she'll be happy with this bloke who's all relegious and stuff. She says she won't and will always love me, but I just don't belive that :(
 
[TW]Fox said:
Religion :(
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Indeed.

It's not like I have much experience of the OPs background or culture but I did know a similar case whereby the boy and girl ended up getting married quite quickly and this staved off the parent's desire to see the girl married to someone else.

19 is awfully young to make decisions that will likely effect you for the rest of your life. What is it you want from this girl exactly?

Tell us what you want and it will help us advise.

Welcome to the cruel world BTW
 
cleanbluesky said:
Indeed.

It's not like I have much experience of the OPs background or culture but I did know a similar case whereby the boy and girl ended up getting married quite quickly and this staved off the parent's desire to see the girl married to someone else.

19 is awfully young to make decisions that will likely effect you for the rest of your life. What is it you want from this girl exactly?

Tell us what you want and it will help us advise.

Welcome to the cruel world BTW
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Yeah, My mother says it's too early for you to get married. Get your education first and build a foundation so you'll be able to support her and when you have kids.

I just want to be with her CBS, I really am happy with her, we never argue, it's like we're meant to be. But this has come up, and a side of me says, let her go, her family will be happy with her.

In our culture pride/respect means a lot to a Family, they do these arranged marriages to move up ranks of respect. It's hard to explain but you probably get an idea. She said to me, if I tell my family about you, they'll say pack your bags and tell him to come pick you up. I can't do that, because it will lead to her family disowning her.

Can't mess up someone else's life just for your own selfishness.
 
Hmm that is v. difficult - fortunately have never been in that position - but essentially she's faced with a choice between her family and your relationship, which at an age like 18-19 isn't a choice anyone should have to make, one always hopes the parents will understand but unfortunately it isn't always like that :(

It's also not a decision you can make for her or force her to make IMO, she needs to decide herself and if she feels you're pressuring her then it's likely to cause some resentment later down the line, nightmare really.

I think your best bet is to cool it off (hardest thing ever!) and let her sort out how she feels and where she stands with her parents, if you were 2-3 years older my advice would be to keep it going and seriously think about where your future lies but at your age my advice would be to cool it off before anyone gets seriously emotionally messed up. Who knows, her parents may come round in time and all will be good.

Tough call!
 
Yeah it is a tough call. Girls in her family get married early, the bloke is about 24-25. Guess I have to think this through, and make the right decision. Letting go would be hard, but guess it's worth it....
 
in the UK? I thought arranged marriages were illegal here? am i still in the UK? jeez where am i? eek!!

if your both muslim then its a win - win situation. You just need to show to her family that your family has enough muslim rep and you have enough money and security to take care of her.

Otherwise watch out they might a) disown her completely b) send the boys round to have a polite and peaceful "chat" with you.




:D
 
Forgive me if anything I say comes across as being naive, but I'm only giving my opinions on what I know... so apols in advance :)

Are her family very strict Muslim? (I guess you don't know if you haven't met them).

One of my friends's family are pretty cool about arranged marriages etc, I asked if she had met someone off her own accord would they be happy with them getting married and she said yes. But its nice to have arranged marriage as an option because there are no decent men around atm! ;)

I don't know about your area though... basically it seems to me that it is your girlf's decision... her family can only say no surely? But its the fact that she isn't willing to try which makes me sad :(

BB x
 
Why dont you tell her parents that you two are an item? Maybe you are a good prospect for marriage.

Perhaps they only found this guy for their daughter cos they believed she wasnt having any luck finding a guy on her own...
 
Please forgive myself and Rich_L for pointing to your age, as two guys in their mid 20s I think we'd both tesitfy that there is a lot of change that happens when you are 19 and to set things in stone may shut down a lot of good options that would make you happy as you get older.

I think it may also be a good idea to step back and say "what does the lady in my life want?" becasue a large part of this situation depends on her.
Be supportive of her, and try not to get hurt.

I'd say let the situation play as it will, becasue it seems that it is more than just you on the line here.
Concentrate on keeping happy regardless of what happens, be open to new oportunities.
 
BrightonBelle said:
Forgive me if anything I say comes across as being naive, but I'm only giving my opinions on what I know... so apols in advance :)
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Lol no problem :)

Are her family very strict Muslim? (I guess you don't know if you haven't met them).
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They're not as strict as not letting her go out and stuff. She's mainly indoors, prays when she can, her dad teachers children to read the qur'an and prays. Same with maybe the rest.

One of my friends's family are pretty cool about arranged marriages etc, I asked if she had met someone off her own accord would they be happy with them getting married and she said yes. But its nice to have arranged marriage as an option because there are no decent men around atm! ;)
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Her mum doesn't mind her finding someone, her dad does. He wants it to stay "in cast".

Cast being the kind of family you are from and what they did back in Pakistan. Like you have tailores/carpenters/farmers and some others. My cast and her cast are totally different.

I don't know about your area though... basically it seems to me that it is your girlf's decision... her family can only say no surely? But its the fact that she isn't willing to try which makes me sad :(
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Yeah that's what I think, it is her decision and I'll have to accept it. I don't think she's willing to try, that's why I feel really crap as I think maybe this is just an escape route and she wants to go. I am a very emotional person in these situations. However very "alpha" male too.
 
Vita said:
Our parents don't know we're seeing each other, and I told my mother yesterday. She wasn't to pleased since our relegion says not to look at a girl/intercourse before marriage.
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So you're supposed to marry before even looking at a girl? :confused:

Pardon my ignorance :p
 
cleanbluesky said:
Please forgive myself and Rich_L for pointing to your age, as two guys in their mid 20s I think we'd both tesitfy that there is a lot of change that happens when you are 19 and to set things in stone may shut down a lot of good options that would make you happy as you get older.
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Yeah, even my friends said I'm too young for this kind of thing. She'd be risking a lot, and I would aswell. I told her from the day I met her, whatever happens your family has to come first. I'm being selfish, I have to admit, when she said lets try and be friends and see what happens. I said No I can't, I just won't be able to see you in that way.

Which is true, as I've never kept my friendship with any of my ex's apart from one which I have known since a young age. I told my mother about her too, but she doesn't like her family so that's a no go.

I think it may also be a good idea to step back and say "what does the lady in my life want?" becasue a large part of this situation depends on her.
Be supportive of her, and try not to get hurt.
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Yeah I will be very supportive as of now, trying to not get hurt is a hard thing :(.

I'd say let the situation play as it will, becasue it seems that it is more than just you on the line here.
Concentrate on keeping happy regardless of what happens, be open to new oportunities.
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I can't ever be happy tbh. I've had a lot gone on in my life. Being an only child kinda sucks since I don't have much people to talk to regarding these matters. Mates are too "blokey" and be very critical saying "told you so." I have a couple of hobbies, but weathers been kind of crap so haven't got chance to do them.

I thank you guys a lot since it has made me think positive and what ever happens, happens for the best right?
 
Dave said:
So you're supposed to marry before even looking at a girl? :confused:

Pardon my ignorance :p
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Well "realtionships" are not meant to happen. You're meant to go to the house, see the daughter, decide and then ask her hand in marriage if you like her.
 
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