Anyone got some decent jokes?

dark_shadow said:
:D

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up,
he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a
nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the
closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I
swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone
else does."
Click to expand...

Class!! :D
 
William said:
Funny dym, but get back to work, slacker!. :p ;)

Its an old and naff one but here we go!

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

BB06-big.jpg
Click to expand...

Now thats a good one lol
 
A blonde walks into a chemists and says to the sales assistant "Could you tell me where your bum deodorant is please?"
Bemused, the chemist looks at her and says "I'm sorry madam... I don't think we sell that here!"
"Sure you do! I've bought it from you before" she replies.
"I assure you, it's not possible" chuckles the chemist.
"Look..." says the blonde, obviously getting annoyed that the chemist is taking her for a fool; "I've got the empty tube at home. I'm going home to get it for you". And off she goes.
A short while later she marches back in with the empty tube and thrusts it at the assistant. "As i said, where's your bum deodorant please?"
"But madam... this is a stick of roll-on under-arm deodorant!"
"NO IT'S NOT!" shrieks the angry blonde. "Look you *#%$ idiot! It clearly states on the packaging: 'Push up bottom to apply.'"
 
Did you hear about the wedding between the two aerials?
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant...


Two cows in a field. Which one has mad cow disease?
The one thats on fire....
 
Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................


"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked Duck #1.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles
all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to Duck #2.

"Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from Duck #2.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and

out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be
Louie?"














"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
 
yermum said:
Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................


"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked Duck #1.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles
all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to Duck #2.

"Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from Duck #2.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and

out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be
Louie?"














"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
Click to expand...

Now that made me wet myself, very good mate, I like that. a lot :D
 
Just remembered another one......

BE WARNED!

I don't how many of you shop at Tesco, but this may be useful to know. I am posting this to you to warn you of something that happened to me, as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This happened to me at Tesco in Braintree and it could happen to you. Here's how the scam works:

Two good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the boot. They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Windolene, with their assets almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It will be impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Tesco. You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start playing around with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts on you, while the other one steals your wallet............



































I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday.
 
Kerplunk said:
Tommy Cooper Classics

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog.
He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head.
Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: "Can I help, sir?"
"No thanks," says the blind bloke. "Just looking."
Click to expand...

For the win! :D
 
Kerplunk said:
Tim Vine Classics
Click to expand...

Fixed. :)

And to contribute...

A biker stops by the Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went.

But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
 
A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. As he sits there, the jar of nuts on the bar tells him what a nice shirt he is wearing. Disturbed by this, he goes to the cigarette vending machine to buy a pack of smokes. As he approaches the machine, it starts screaming and shouting at him. He runs to the bar and explains this to the barman. The barman apologizes and says "The peanuts are complimenatary, but the cigarrette machine is out of order

--

This guy walks into a bar with this really cool shirt on. The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shirt mate?" The man replies, "David Jones." This 2nd guy walks into the bar with really good pants on and the bartender goes "Where'd you get the great pants mate?" The man replies, " David Jones." This 3rd guy walks into the bar with really great shoes and sock on. The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shoes and socks mate?" The man replies, "David Jones." Then this 4th guy runs in naked and the bartender goes, "Look Who the hell are you mate?" And the naked guy says, "I'm David Jones
 
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