Apparently I'm in the wrong

  • Thread starter Thread starter Sparky__H
  • Start date Start date
Its worth mentioning as far as I'm aware she has not being the victim of physical abuse.

I have no intention of calling the police. They will lie and end up in trouble. I'm not wasting my and the polices time over this.
 
Sparky__H said:
Its worth mentioning as far as I'm aware she has not being the victim of physical abuse.

I have no intention of calling the police. They will lie and end up in trouble. I'm not wasting my and the polices time over this.
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Doesn't have to be physical to still be classed as abuse.
 
Alas i feel this is another one of those you can lead a horse to water but cant make them drink, or in this case you cant even lead the horse to water because it doesn't think it wants any. Only way past it is to wait for her to realise everything you have known for ages... Alas the only downside is that this could take ages.

I know it isn't that helpful but I have found in these situations the person has got to do it off their own back and wont listen to sense or reason. Best of luck with it though!
 
Derek W said:
is that first part wise? I know in principal yes it is cos no one should be put through abuse but regarding with what has happened with the OP is it too soon and he'll get it in the ear or worse from his mates girl / bf since he's already had a mouthful for suggesting calling the police.
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The OPs concerns about this could be made during the initial call.

DV units are often discreet when looking into such matters. I don't know the lass but I am fairly sure that one factor in her refusing to part with him is likely to be fear.
 
No idea why some girls put up with all that, it bugs me!! I know someone like that, of course it never got that bad. When she first stated going out with him, he would never say she was his girlfriend, then they ended up getting married with everyone telling her he was a jerk she still did it, then a few months after marriage he started doing crap like sitting on her to hold her down, hitting her & insulting her fam. After 3 in a half months, she went to another state to be with her fam., she says she won't go back, but she has before. Oh & to complicate things she is preg. & told him thinking he would change, nope didn't, so hope he doesn't get to see the baby at all. His excuse for this "my mom died", oh ok being a crazy nut is ok then, jerk.
 
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If you think she's entitled to make her own decisions about her own life, there's very little you can do. You're replying rationally, but she's not making decisions based on reasoning. You can keep talking with her, which is likely to result in her taking it out on you because you're someone safe to take it out on. Will that help her realise the mistakes she's making or will it make matters worse because she'll have you to blame instead? No way of knowing in advance.

If you think that you have the authority to make decisions for her against her will, then call the police and ask them for advice. They have to deal with messes like this all the time and they're generally rather less bad at it than the average person in the street. I say "less bad" because nobody can really be any good at dealing with situations like these, which really can't be fixed by anyone else. You can't help someone who actively works against being helped, not unless you're willing to kill or indefinitely imprison people without a trial. That's a solution that's worse than the problem.
 
secretspy said:
I used to judge women who were with abusive men saying how stupid they were and questioning why they didnt just walk away. That was until I was in one myself.
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You said you used to judge women that were in an abusive relationship and questioning why they didn't just walk away, until you were in one yourself, having been in the same situation yourself could you give any insight on why women in these situations don't leave?

My sister was in a physically abusive relationship for over 5 years and she also didn't tell us it was going on and for how long until she left the guy.
 
As I'd said I was in a bad place at the time. I'd split with my fiance of nearly 4 years and this supposedly nice guy came along. At first I wasn't interested in him other than as a friend but after a while it seemed to become a relationship. It wasn't until a few months in that he was different. All the time though my ex was hassling me.
On one occasion I had a gut feeling my current bf was cheating. I checked his phone and found texts implying he was but I had no solid proof so I was confused. Didn't help that my ex had been texting me pretending to be a girl cheating with my current bf.(apparently that was his way of trying to win me back.) My mum used to say I was a cow to my ex so I didn't feel I could talk to her and my family judge me a lot so Im not close to them and didn't feel I had anyone to turn to. People kept saying my current bf was so nice etc that most of the time I thought it was all in my head that I was being insecure etc.
He did get violent towards me but never punched me he just grabbed me roughly and me being young and naive I just thought that's how it was sometimes.

I also felt that I didnt deserve better because I'd apparently been such a cow to my ex. My head was all over the place and because I was desperate to leave home I moved in with him. Things actually improved a little but one night he turned a single question I asked into an argument and threatened me with a knife. I turned to my mum for help and at first she freaked then said "well your grandad once threatened your Nan with a knife."

A couple of work colleagues said it wasn't right and to get out so I took the rest of the day off work and moved out of our flat. That evening he came round to my parents house to beg me to come back. my mum pretty much said to take a few things back and see how it went. I stupidly listened. Things did seem to improve again but then I started to suspect he was cheating again and again there were more incriminating texts. In the end he got so fed up with it he said it was over.
I know now to never listen to my mum. I guess I should've realised with how she thinks my brothers a god that she cant see the bad in people.
It's hard to explain why you stay in a relationship like that. Looking back I think what the heck was I thinking but at the time its so easy to be stuck in their hold. Part of it is fear that they will do something nasty if you leave. He actually made a few threats that my ex had too. With all that going on as well I wasn't thinking clearly.

I have this theory that a bad guy pretends to be nice, reels you in then a few months later shows his true colours but because we've seen the nice side we think that's how he really is and this nasty streak is just a phase. So we stupidly stay in the hope it will get better. The reasons are probably different for everyone. Mine were mainly fear, not feeling I had anyone to turn to and thinking it was all in my head.
It wasn't until we split that everyone said how they didn't like him. Thanks for telling me sooner.

I'm glad your sister managed to get out though its sad she had it for 5 years.
It's definitely something that changes a person for good and bad. I'd never put up with that kind of treatment again but at the same time it takes me a while to trust someone and I tend to panic if a bf is getting angry at something.
Sorry I know that was a long babble but I thought a bit of history might help explain my reasons. Yes I was a complete idiot but we are all human, we all make mistakes and this is one I've definitely learnt from.
 
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