Its always the most mundane looking threads that deliveryI'm sorry you have no sense of humour.
On topic, a good service history is the best place to start, if its had regular oil changes etc, theres less chance it’ll implode but its not a guarantee. It’s just the roulette of buying used, things break over time and need fixed. As a rule, don’t touch premium brand cars with crap spec, big wheels and aftermarket tints.