Bit of a Joke for you.

Cargo who?

What do you call a man with a plank of wood on his head?

Edward

What do you call a man with three planks of wood on his head?

Edward Woodward

Why has EDWARD WOODWARD got 4 D'S in his name?

If he hadn't he would be EWAR WOOWAR
 
So - you want some proper jokes? Look no further. :D
As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walk down the aisle, she found that her shoes were missing.

She was forced to borrow her sister's, which were a bit on the small side.

When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla retired to their room, right next door to the Queen's and Prince Phillip's.

As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped on the bed and said, "Darling, please get these shoes off, my feet are killing me."

The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigour, but it was stuck fast.

"Harder!" Camilla yelled. "Harder!" "I'm trying, darling!" The Prince yelled back.

"It's just so bloody tight!" "Come on! Give it all you've got!" There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed, "There! That's it! Oh that feels good! Oh that feels SOOO good!"

In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, "see, I told you, with a face like that she was still a virgin."

Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to pry off the left shoe.

"Oh, my God, darling! This one's even tighter!" exclaimed the heir to the throne.

At which Prince Phillip turned to the Queen and said, "That's my boy! Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"
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True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story is: "Always keep your condoms in your car."
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It's your first time.
As you lie back your muscles tighten.
You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.
He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver;
your body tenses;
but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him - he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.
As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way;
pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.
Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake you head and nod for him to go on.
He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.
He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle;
that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist.
After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
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During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug ... Do you want a room with or without a view?"
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Two Arab mothers are sitting in a cafe shop in Baghdad, chatting; over a pint of warm goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old;"
"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now, suicide bomber."
"Oh, so sad dear" says the other.
"And this is my second son Khalid. He's 21."
"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born."
"He's a martyr too " says mum quietly. "A car bomber."
"Oh gracious me", says the other.
"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18", she whispers.
"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."
"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says,
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
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A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the assistant for an inflatable doll.
"Would you like male of female?"
"Female, please."
"Would you like Black, or White?"
"White, please."
"Would you like Christian or Muslim?"
This question confused the man...and he replied, "What has the religion got to do with it? It's an Inflatable doll!"
"Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"
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A Leeds Fan, a Liverpool fan and a Man u fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Leeds fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through.

The Leeds fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done. The scouser was next up and after watching the scene, said:" Please fix two pillows on my back, under my dress" But even two pillows & 1 dress could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.

The Manc was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best bars, nightclubs and restaurants in Europe, your city and football team is known throughout the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The manc replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks.

"Please tie the Scouser to my back."
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Recently a "Husband Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...

First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men small and thin manhoods." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than nothing, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have small and thick manhoods." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have long and thin manhoods." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have long and thick manhoods." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left."
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Understanding Engineers - Take One
==================================
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly and said,
"Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two
==================================
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three
====================================
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment."
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four
===================================
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five
===================================
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six
==================================
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
=====================================
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
===================================
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
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Today is my daughters 18th birthday.......

I'm so glad that this is my last child support payment.

Month after month, year after year, those payments!

I called my baby girl to come over to my house, and when she got there, I said to her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this last check over to your mama's house; you tell her that this is the last check she's ever going to get from me, then I want you to come back here and tell me the expression she had on her face."

So my baby girl took the check over to her.

I was so anxious to hear what the witch had to say and what she looked like.

As my baby girl walked though the door, I said, "Well now .. what did she have to say?"

"She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy."
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At the 2004 World Womans conference the first speaker from Canada stood up:
"At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb. "

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from England stood up:
"After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had not only done his own washing but my washing as well. "

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Glasgow stood up:
"Efter last year's conference ah went hame and telt ma man that I widnae dae his cookin, cleanin or shoppin and that he wid hiftae dae it himsel. Efter the first day ah saw nuthin'. Efter the second day ah saw nuthin'. But efter the third day I could see a wee bit oot o ma left eye."
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Two dwarfs go out on the pull and end up at the flat of two girls.
They both get into bed with their respective partners and the first dwarf can't perform because he's had to much loopy juice during the evening.
However, they lie awake all night listening to the pair in the other bedroom and every now and then they hear the 2nd dwarf say "One, two, three, aaaaaaarrrrrgggghhhhh"

The following morning they're leaving and the 1st dwarf said that he couldn't get it on because of brewers droop but said he heard the 2nd dwarf doing it all night.
"What do you mean doing it all night? I was trying to climb onto the bed".
 
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