Can anyone Help me

[Roduga]

so what do you do for your company and what does your company do ?

IT Consultant (at the moment, job cuts are inbound!). I install our software (automotive stuff) on customer machines on-site.

I started with 2 weeks work experience. For the 2 weeks, I worked from 8am to 8pm, and spent the rest of the night reading books for the next day. Never underestimate where hard work can get you. Put in that extra bit and it will be noticed.

However, if I was to be honest, I'd admit that I hate the IT industry and am currently working on a way out. Personal thing (shared by a surprising number of people).

 

[INFECTION]

thats pretty much y i left the nhs i dont hate the it world i just hated all the people i worked with they wernt the nicest people to work with.
but am saving up enough money to open up my own buisness.

 

[Lagz]

You need to tidy up the grammar and wording quite a bit. . .

Grammar (police) tips:

- You have started words with capital letters for no reason in the middle of some sentences.
- Commas should not have spaces infront of them and should be followed by a single space.

Wording tips:

To gain knowledge and job satisfaction in all aspects of information technology through experience and learning by practical tasks so I may become an asset to prospective employers.

This is a pretty bad introduction. It is too long (in that it tries to say too much in a single sentence) and it also doesn't really make sense. What does it mean to "gain job satisfaction in all aspects of IT"? I sort of see what you are trying to say but its very poorly worded.

This covered around 4,000 computers in the hospital that had to be checked for maximum working conditions for departments.

Re-use of the word "for" makes this sentence read pretty badly. I don't think its necessary to add "for departments" on the end, since it doesn't really give any more information about your role there. I presume "maximum working conditions" makes sense if you know about IT?

This Job also included Helpdesk Duties Which was one shift a day for two and a half hours. In the two and a half hours we had to answer and log calls for IT problems and sometimes talk customers through simple software problems.

Again this is poorly worded. I think (although not certain - any grammar police around?) that the use of "was" is grammatically incorrect. You also say these duties were for two and a half hours twice, which is a bit pointless. Something like this reads a little better:

This job also included helpdesk duties, which consisted of daily two and a half hour shifts. During this time I was required to answer and log calls relating to IT problems and talk customers through simple software problems.

My job responsibility at Pets At Home was to take care of customer in the shop and also to look after pets and the stock that came in to the shop. This included heavy lifting , Gentle care of animals and taking care of all customers that needed help around the store from asking directions to serving at the till or helping them out to their car.

This bit is pretty much ok. Again a few minor points:
- Customer should be plural (unless you only ever had 1). Responsibility should also be plural.
- The last sentence is a little too long though and contains a bit too much waffle. e.g. "around the store" is completely redundant in that sentence. If someone is being picky you shouldn't really say "all customers", since you probably dont help all of them single handedly!

My interests are IT, Computer Modification, Music, Fishing, Golf and Rugby.

You shouldn't really (although it is probably just about OK in this context) be using capital letters for each interest (apart from IT). Maybe expand this section with an example of something you did to back up your interests?



Overall it is pretty good. Unfortunately your grammar, spelling and wording let it down quite a lot. I would advise you spend a good few hours going through correcting mistakes, then get someone else to do the same.

 

[INFECTION]

thanks mate that was really help full thanks a lot will start typing that up tomorrow if possible can i contact you through e-mail for help on this ?

 

[Lagz]

thanks mate that was really help full thanks a lot will start typing that up tomorrow if possible can i contact you through e-mail for help on this ?

Probably not worth it. There are plently of grammar police roaming these forums, so if you just post it again and ask for corrections I'm sure someone will help you.

 

[INFECTION]

ok well thanks anyway i will sort it out and repost it tomorrow for the grammer police

 

[Zefan]

- Commas should not have spaces infront of them and should be followed by a single space.

Is it just me or......

 

[Lagz]

Think I was being picky or something? It stands out a lot when you read it and it is incorrect grammar, so not really. How many newspapers/publications do you see with spaces before commas?

 

[Retsef]

Think I was being picky or something? It stands out a lot when you read it and it is incorrect grammar, so not really. How many newspapers/publications do you see with spaces before commas?

Don't forget two spaces after a full stop. It's a crime not to.

 

[Ukadder]

That email address won't work for a start, little thing like that would put me off someones CV if they are applying for a computer type job.

Ben [email protected]

 

[INFECTION]

That email address won't work for a start, little thing like that would put me off someones CV if they are applying for a computer type job.

could you sujest something that would work ?

 

[crashuk]

I initially entered training to become a *******, however the effects of 9/11 caused me to alter my career path and I took up the opportunity ********* . My natural technical abilities allowed my to follow an IT career as a contractor in ******** and having done that for a number of years, i now wish to develop my abilities further and am looking for new opportunities. I really enjoy the small company environment and would relish the chance to work in a dynamic environment where success gives progress to higher levels.

I am extremely interested ******** Role, as i feel that, I have not only the ability and enthusiasm for the role but also 100% commitment.


something like that at the end.

 

[Trigger]

could you sujest something that would work ?

Well the e-mail address isn't valid because there is a space in it. Also, a hotmail address would put me off anyway- can't you use the address your ISP gave you?

 

[xyphic]

My tuppence follows.

Objective: "...so I may become an asset to prospective employers" sounds like you're going to use the job to get some experience and then move on. If you're trying to sound committed, this isn't the way to do it. I can see what you're trying to get at though. My suggestion:

"My objective is to become skilled in all areas of information technology, primarily through the experience and learning opportunities that a role within a team of dedicated IT technicians would afford me." Or something.

Experience: Be consistent in your capitalisation. For example, choose either "IT Technician & Customer Support" or "IT technician & customer support". The former looks better in this situation.

Don't capitalise unless the word you are capitalising demands it. For instance, it's fine to capitalise "Leeds General Infirmary" as that is its name, but it's not good how you've capitalised "Job" and "Helpdesk Duties Which".

"This covered around 4,000 computers in the hospital that had to be checked for maximum working conditions for departments". I'm not sure what this means. A prospective employer may be equally confused.

"This Job..." - These two sentences contain quite a lot of superfluous information. Suggested reword: "My duties in this job included a daily helpdesk shift, where my role was to answer calls from customers about IT problems and provide support where appropriate."

In the second part, remove the word "Gentle".

Education: Reorder the list so that the better and more important grades are at the top. Given that you're after an IT job, stick the ITC one at the top, then Graphic Design, then Science, English, Mathematics and History.

If you have predicted grades for the GNVQ, there's nothing wrong with adding them in as long as you make it clear that it's just a prediction.

Interests: Lose the capitalisation (except for in My, obviously!). Expand on the "Music" entry -- do you enjoy listening to it? Visiting live concerts? Playing an instrument?

Do your sporting interests extend to playing for a team? I'm specifically thinking about rugby - if you play for a team, it'll show that you're used to working as part of a group.

"IT" is a pretty big field - is there anything specific that you are interested in?

General: As Roduga said, it's probably a good idea to spell Vitae correctly!

You are inconsistent in your dates (some say "blah to blah" and others say "blah till blah". I'd suggest going for "blah to blah" in each case.

That email address is confusing to say the least! For a start it has a space in it: "Ben [email protected]". Do you have an email address other than a Hotmail one? Sometimes having something a bit more personalised can show that you're internet savvy. Even an ISP one is better than Hotmail.

 

[INFECTION]

just another quick question should i use a different layout or is the one i have fine ?

thanks INFECTION