Coping with loss of parent..

[Justintime]

Never thought i'd be one making this sort of thread.. My dad passed last month on the 26th of heart failure at 66, suddenly and with little warning, he had a few shortness of breaths and little chest pains over the last year but nothing he felt the need to get checked. Feeling like my world caved in, i'm expecting a little one in October and i'm trying to feel enthusiasm and be happy with my wife etc.. but it all feels empty now. People sort of expect me to take it on the chin as a 36 yr old man but by god sometimes i wail and cry... Does this immense pain ease?

 

[Dyson]

I'm very sorry for your loss.

The pain will become easier to bare, but it will bite at times for a long long time. There's no easy way through it, and there is no right or wrong way to deal with it. Creating this thread will give you one outlet at least.

 

[BowdonUK]

I'm sorry for your loss. I think people handle death in different ways and there is no shame in showing emotion. It's a natural part of grieving.

 

[iamdjdz]

My mum died when I was 17 and even now at 30 it's hard sometimes. But there's always good times and whilst you can't see them now you need to be aware that death is part of life and not let grief consume you.

But have a wail and sob whenever you feel like it there's no shame in that. The first few months will obviously be hard. You have my sympathy and thoughts at this time.

 

[james.miller]

Sorry for your loss Justintime. I'm 34, both my parents have passed away. Mother 12 years ago and father 4. It never goes away, but over time I guess I remember the good times more than the bad. Sometimes I still struggle - September is always hard for me as they both passed in september and we have my eldest's birthday and my own so that's a rollercoaster of emotion I never really look forward to, but... I deal with it. You will too, you'll find your own way to cope

The only real advise I can give you is don't lock your emotions away, long term it doesn't help.

 

[arc@css]

Yes, it does ease. It's true what the old saying says...'time is a great healer'.

When I lost my Father, life seemed strange and surreal (a little like when you have a very deep thought about life/existence or something like that, and it blows your mind). I didn't like having free time and especially disliked weekends, at the time, I think I was better off at work.

It sounds naff but I'm sorry for your loss and suggest just taking each day at a time. Don't worry about showing your emotions. Crying is simply a valve and is perfectly natural.

Wishing you the best!

 

[nsYZY]

My condolences - my Dad passed away 3 years ago - the pain of loss doesn't ever go, but it somehow gets easier

I found it hard to mourn at first as was being strong for my Mum, but over time, I was able to in my own way

I think of the years of happiness I had, the upbringing he gave me, the things he taught me and how fortunate I was to have this because so many people don't

Be strong.

 

[Justintime]

Cheers fellas.. i think right now what bugs me most is i could have spent more time, argued less and not taken him for granted. But i guess its a normal reaction. He knew i loved him and we got on well. Just can't believe i saw him the night before and the next day my mums ringing me to tell me she found him on the kitchen floor when she came back from work.. was gone hours as he was having his morning tea, half drunk as he was putting his plate into the kitchen when it happened. My greatest pain is that he will never see his granddaughter.

 

[itchy]

Sorry to hear about your loss.

Hindsight is a killer but its no consolation to your loss. I lost my nan who was very close to me and when she passed I kicked myself for not seeing her more.

You will get through it, but some nights you will just well up with tears. Nothing wrong with it.

Be a man and cry.

Life is a killer.

 

[CREATIVE!11]

Never thought i'd be one making this sort of thread.. My dad passed last month on the 26th of heart failure at 66, suddenly and with little warning, he had a few shortness of breaths and little chest pains over the last year but nothing he felt the need to get checked. Feeling like my world caved in, i'm expecting a little one in October and i'm trying to feel enthusiasm and be happy with my wife etc.. but it all feels empty now. People sort of expect me to take it on the chin as a 36 yr old man but by god sometimes i wail and cry... Does this immense pain ease?

Jeeze op. Sorry to hear....

My old man just turned 66 today.... I skype him weekly but I haven't been able to see him in years distance and all that. Makes me think I really gotta this year.....I really don't know how i'll cope tbh. Most likely not well....

 

[terley]

I lost my dad 31/12/2016 from a 11 month battle with Cancer age 56, at no point were we told that he may die, in-fact we weren't prepared in the slightest when the doctors came in and said he has 12-48 hours left and would we like to sign a DNR.

Things get easier, i know its cliché but its true, at this point i have days were i randomly start crying and have horrible nightmares of his last moments, the times i think he won't see me graduate or meet my kids.. its heart breaking. But life moves forward, remember your dad for what he was and what he made you in to. Stay strong bud.

 

[DampCat]

I'm not sure it gets easier, but you change the way you think about it. By that I mean, eventually when you think about him it won't be about loss but about love, and memories. I was 26 when I lost my dad, and at 34 there isn't a single day I don't think about him, especially now with my 6 mo son. You catch yourself wishing for things, that it was different or you could ask questions, but you're also reminded every day of all the things you learned from him, and the stories he told and the stories you still tell of him to people that maybe never even met him, and that makes you smile.

Sorry for your loss. He's still there in you, and that's encouraging.

 

[Narj]

I had this at 12 years old when my dad was 42.

Just take on board whatever he told you to do with your life. Bear in mind he'd probably not want you to be sad.

Keep yourself busy to stop yourself from going nuts. My dad dying was one of the harshest things I've ever been through.

Good luck buddy.

<edited as I was a bit cold really - too many funerals!>

 

[Hades]

Sorry for your loss. Yes it does get a little better over time (I lost my dad in 2002). It never quite goes away but over time you're able to put the pain and thoughts in a box inside your head and keep the lid closed. Occasionally the lid pops open again but over time the lid stays closed for a longer period.

 

[itchy]

I don't want to sound harsh but you need to man up and just deal with it.

Harder said than done, man up for what ?

Emotion is a very complex attribute in people. If you need to show emotion then do, don't be ashamed to cry.

Only real men cry.

 

[Sankari]

Does this immense pain ease?

You have my condolences.

Yes the pain eases, but the timeframe is different for everyone. Obviously it also depends on the nature of the relationship you had with your parent.

My own father committed suicide when I was 16 years old (he was bipolar and schizophrenic). Moving on from his death was a surprisingly complex process. I still have dreams about him. Most are nightmares.

 

[Werewolf]

I'm sorry for your loss doesn't really cover it, but my thoughts are with you

I lost my mother just under a year ago and whilst it wasn't completely unexpected it* came as a shock as we'd been to see her earlier in the day and whilst she was very ill it wasn't much worse than she'd been several times over the previous month.

My only advice is to try and remember the good times, it's hard and the oddest things will remind you of him**, but try to continue with your life as that's what he would want and every now and then possibly try and do something you enjoyed together, when your little one get old enough share the memories of his grandfather with him.
The pain does get better, or at least you get used to it to a degree but it will hit hard at times (I'm struggling a bit with this post:/)

If your mother is still around try and spend time with her, I know it hit my dad really hard and the only people he could even talk to it about were close family and in our case the sharing of silly stories about what had happened in the past helped us a bit.


*She'd had dementia and had been in and out of hospital several times over the previous month.

**I.was getting iceblocks out of the freezer and it hit me, as we used to go camping when I was about 10 and every morning my mum would pop down to the site shop and get the other set of iceblocks that had been frozen overnight, or when some TV show unexpectedly plays a bit of music she liked I remember her singing (badly) along to it whilst cooking.

 

[Hades]

or when some TV show unexpectedly plays a bit of music she liked I remember her singing (badly) along to it whilst cooking.

I had that for at least 10 years after my dad died. I'd unexpectedly hear one of his favourite songs on the radio and it would stop me in my tracks, unable to think about anything else. I still can't listen to Don McLean's American Pie 16 years later. I used to love that song myself but I've not listened to it since. I remember back at the time asking forum members here to try to find a copy of it so I could burn it to a CD for his funeral (it was early days for online music and you guys came up trumps).

 

[Camalot]

Really sorry,

I'm 33, lost my dad 1year ago this month after a very short battle with an aggressive cancer.

I still feel like I'm floating at sea lost.

But, it is starting to feel easier. I guess some people take longer to cope with a loss, I've never been good with it and seems to have hit me hard.

The first year is difficult, birthdays Christmas, fathers day ruined me.

I Found my greatest relief was talking to people who have also lost their dad / mom.

I'm more than happy to chat away from forums. All my feelings are still very raw so I know exactly how you are feeling.

 

[Narj]

Harder said than done, man up for what ?

Emotion is a very complex attribute in people. If you need to show emotion then do, don't be ashamed to cry.

Only real men cry.

Probably bad wording but it's easy to let things like this make you mope around and feel a bit helpless. Losing a parent is one of the most awful experiences you can ever go through.

Agreed, have a good cry if that's what it takes but be careful not to lock yourself away or anything. I just threw myself into studies at the time and subsequent times threw myself into work which helped.