Dealing with a family member with dementia

[mrk]

Imagine living nearly 100 years, giving all you can to a country and system, paying taxes, raising a family of future tax payers and contributors to society, only to be bunged up by the system in a care home that typically isn't very homely or even that caring because the system is stretched. I'm in a monthly group at work where we discuss things around this sort of subject and it's mind boggling how the government has let its citizens down. One lady said her mother's care by the organising body handling the costs literally said "can you sell the house within a month to pay for her care" - Madness.

Meanwhile politicians are happily buying their 7th home so they get a tax-free break........

War vets and elderly have done their part for society, they should be treated much better once their time has come but the system just doesn't seem to care, or maybe it's because it is deliberately designed this way so you constantly keep piling money into it.

 

[Rroff]

She must be very bored in the care home, so is there anything either the staff or you can think of that would entertain her better?

Perhaps getting her in a wheelchair and taking her outside into a nice garden might lift her spirits?

To be fair some people will always be very bored in a care home - my grandad had a sharp and lively mind to the end in his mid 90s but his body was failing him, it was a prison like state really for him even with the best we could do.

 

[GGizmo]

The government is happy for the average person to lose their life savings.

I don't have any advice on your situation, other than to say I understand. My mother we think has dementia. She's not in a home yet as we're trying to look after her here. But even at home phoning multiple times is becoming an issue.

Dementia is a cruel disease. It robs us of remembering how they used to be.

 

[imtoooldforthis]

Thanks for the responses. With regard to the costs, she would have got the same level of care for free but she inherited around 200k from her Brother just prior to going into the care home, because of this she's had to pay the maximum cost and after nearly two years is down to nothing...

I've not been through this before so my advice is not borne from experience. Firstly I would discuss the problem with the care home and see if they have any advice. But on the assumption they can't help then, if it was me, I would advise my mum to keep the phone on silent and turn off voicemail. Try to explain to your grandmother that the family will call her the same time every day and ignore the calls until that time. Then phone her once a day as promised. Having dementia she might not remember or understand, so see if you can get put up a little note in her room to remind her.

Good suggestion but sadly, we've already tried calling her at a set time every day. The problem is she gets into panics constantly, if she can't find the remote control (she's usually lying on it) she will phone up in tears and massive distress as if this was a life or death emergency. Thats one example of many. I think it's probably past the point where trying to explain things makes any difference because at the time she may well understand what we are saying but as soon as something goes wrong (no matter how small the thing) she goes into panic that overrides everything.

Does the care home have sufficient staffing to provide activities for the residents to engage with and keep them distracted ? If not, which is often the case, then you'll end up with situations like this where the person feels socially isolated and anxious. What you're experiencing is a common scenario. Don't have much more advice to give, but speak with the care home re: activities. And also your grandmother's GP, just in case she would benefit from some medication to alleviate any underlying anxiety/depression/behavioural issues relating to her dementia. Beyond that, it's just a case of trying to be there for her, and sharing the workload amongst all family members & friends.

It has a very nice garden and every day they have morning and afternoon activities however my grandmother is a shell of her former self and doesn't really want to socialise, plus her hearing is so bad that she can't hear most of the time and has to bluff her way through conversations. I fear it's only going to get worse from this point onwards, which is obviously terrible for her but is also going to put more stress on my mum at the worst possible time.

Maybe this ship has sailed, but getting one to one care from a live in carer can be a much better option than paying a fortune to a care home for someone to just sit in their room staring at the TV.

Prior to going into the care home she had a live-in carer but her physical condition got so bad that the council stepped in and said she needed to go to a nursing/care home as she required multiple carers and also access to a nurse if needed. We currently pay for a couple of friendly faces to visit her twice a week and spend time with her and whilst it probably does help a little it doesn't really stop the endless phone calls most of which come due to constant panic attacks.

Anyway, thanks again to everyone for the replies. I feel like my only choice is to disconnect the phone. In the time since I wrote the original post I've had a further 9 phone calls from her which means my sister and mum have almost certainly had even more. It's just too much.

 

[radderfire]

What is she saying on the phone calls? When you say panic attack, what is she panicking about?

 

[rare]

It’s very tough, my grandfather was in a similar position recently. Personally I would remove the phone.

I say that because there doesn’t seem to be any good coming from it. It doesn’t seem to calm or reassure her, it sounds like it enables the frustration to grow. Secondly it is having a significant impact on the whole family. Thirdly my concern is with these things, they typically don’t get better (until the inevitable).

I would remove the phone. She’s being looked after, if there were an issue the home could contact one of you.

 

[deaglecat]

Have been through similar, the one piece of advice that I wished I had known back then was that there is no amount of love which will fix dementia.

Horrible disease. Keep your self sane and leave the "day to day" caring to the "professionals" ... who are a mixed bag IMHO.