domestic violence

SwiftJump · 16 Jun 2013 at 10:11

Is it okay to hit a woman, is it okay to fight back when your partner is attacking you in a heated argument?

My wife showed me some news about Nigella Lawson being chocked by her husband out in public, when i saw the pictures i thought to myself didn't nobody stop them?

I am sure some of us has had a friend or know of people who are in a violent relationship, But my question is would you try and help the person, or just let them get on through with it since its their own business.

[FnG]magnolia · 16 Jun 2013 at 10:27

I got into a fairly confrontational situation when I intervened in a public domestic. He hit her straight in the mouth and she went down and I objected, using my fists, and we had a frank exchange of views whereby I talked to him, he hit me and I hit him back. While this was going on, she got up and then started attacking me for 'hurting her boyfriend.'

This was 20 years ago and I would not do the same thing again because I've seen it too many times. If I thought a person - either the man or the woman - was in genuine and mortal danger then I would but otherwise it's a thankless and often dangerous position to put oneself in.

PooBrain · 16 Jun 2013 at 10:30

If sex with the damsel is guaranteed then i would step right in, wearing the shiniest suit of armour.

SwiftJump · 16 Jun 2013 at 10:37

Same situation happen to me but i knocked him down and his girlfriend step in and told me to mind my own business. She was right it was her own business but at she same time other people and some families were watching, i did feel out of place after to.

Richie · 16 Jun 2013 at 10:40

No. DV is never acceptable. Hitting/Restraining anyone (man/woman/child) in self defence is a different matter though and completely fine

Burnsy2023 · 16 Jun 2013 at 10:41

SwiftJump said:
I am sure some of us has had a friend or know of people who are in a violent relationship, But my question is would you try and help the person, or just let them get on through with it since its their own business.

Absolutely get involved, nobody should put up with being a victim of DV and sometimes people need a reality check to get out of the situation they are in.

[FnG]magnolia;24462209 said:
I got into a fairly confrontational situation when I intervened in a public domestic. He hit her straight in the mouth and she went down and I objected, using my fists, and we had a frank exchange of views whereby I talked to him, he hit me and I hit him back. While this was going on, she got up and then started attacking me for 'hurting her boyfriend.'

This was 20 years ago and I would not do the same thing again because I've seen it too many times. If I thought a person - either the man or the woman - was in genuine and mortal danger then I would but otherwise it's a thankless and often dangerous position to put oneself in.

It's frustrating, but this isn't all that uncommon. This is why the Police can mount prosecutions in DV cases where the victim doesn't want Police involvement and refuses to cooperate.

Hades · 16 Jun 2013 at 10:44

[FnG]magnolia;24462209 said:
I got into a fairly confrontational situation when I intervened in a public domestic. He hit her straight in the mouth and she went down and I objected, using my fists, and we had a frank exchange of views whereby I talked to him, he hit me and I hit him back. While this was going on, she got up and then started attacking me for 'hurting her boyfriend.'

This was 20 years ago and I would not do the same thing again because I've seen it too many times. If I thought a person - either the man or the woman - was in genuine and mortal danger then I would but otherwise it's a thankless and often dangerous position to put oneself in.

Something similar happened to me about 10 years ago. I probably wouldn't intervene now unless it was getting very out of hand.

SwiftJump · 16 Jun 2013 at 10:46

Richie said:
No. DV is never acceptable. Hitting/Restraining anyone (man/woman/child) in self defense is a different matter though and completely fine

But what if you are having to restrain that person everyday, would you just get up on leave and let some unlucky soul find them or put up with it and help the abusive person like what some women believe they can do but get hit in the process?

Whereas the kids you cant really leave them you have to give them help, but some families just disown them.

[FnG]magnolia · 16 Jun 2013 at 10:48

SwiftJump said:
But what if you are having to restrain that person everyday, would you just get up on leave and let some unlucky soul find them or put up with it and help the abusive person like what some women believe they can do but get hit in the process?

Whereas the kids you cant really leave them you have to give them help, but some families just disown them.

Is there a back story to this or are you asking hypothetical questions?

SwiftJump · 16 Jun 2013 at 11:17

[FnG]magnolia;24462294 said:
Is there a back story to this or are you asking hypothetical questions?

No back stories at all just discussion an questions.

holymonk · 16 Jun 2013 at 11:22

Don't get involved, if the women concerned are too stupid to get out of DV then you intervening wont make a difference anyway.

[FnG]magnolia · 16 Jun 2013 at 11:23

Burnsy2023 said:
Absolutely get involved, nobody should put up with being a victim of DV and sometimes people need a reality check to get out of the situation they are in.

It's frustrating, but this isn't all that uncommon. This is why the Police can mount prosecutions in DV cases where the victim doesn't want Police involvement and refuses to cooperate.

What is the Police guidance in these cases? Stay out unless it's super serious or ..?

*Moangroan* · 16 Jun 2013 at 11:26

PooBrain said:
If sex with the damsel is guaranteed then i would step right in, wearing the shiniest suit of armour.

lol.

Burnsy2023 · 16 Jun 2013 at 11:32

holymonk said:
Don't get involved, if the women concerned are too stupid to get out of DV then you intervening wont make a difference anyway.

Wow. Just wow. Are you going for the award of most ignorant post on OcUK in 2013? You're a good contender.

[FnG]magnolia;24462433 said:
What is the Police guidance in these cases? Stay out unless it's super serious or ..?

I think the guidance is report it to Police. If it's ongoing via 999.

Castiel · 16 Jun 2013 at 11:33

I would stop any violence I saw on the street, if it was in my power to do so and if now I would call the authorities who could. Whether it is domestic violence or not is immaterial.

[FnG]magnolia · 16 Jun 2013 at 11:41

Castiel said:
I would stop any violence I saw on the street, if it was in my power to do so and if now I would call the authorities who could. Whether it is domestic violence or not is immaterial.

I understand this but have also seen this approach go badly wrong (Glasgow, Friday night, guy got stabbed by the girl he was trying to help) and it's a really difficult thing to process.

I think we'd all want to make it better and stop the problem and yes, sometimes that might mean hitting someone pretty hard until they stop doing what they were doing, but where do you draw the line? When do you become them?

bitslice · 16 Jun 2013 at 11:41

holymonk said:
Don't get involved, if the women concerned are too stupid to get out of DV then you intervening wont make a difference anyway.

Burnsy2023 said:
Wow. Just wow. Are you going for the award of most ignorant post on OcUK in 2013? You're a good contender.

[Normally agree] In this case she's not exactly beholden to him, she's independent wealthy and could move out if she wanted to. What people in her position choose to tolerate is up to them, it's no secret that some people with abusive pasts seek out partners to continue some level of abuse. It's not like she is unaware of what he is like.

PooBrain · 16 Jun 2013 at 11:41

Burnsy2023 said:
Wow. Just wow. Are you going for the award of most ignorant post on OcUK in 2013? You're a good contender.

Much like the ignorance of the women who stay with such men. Ignorant of every possible avenue of available help.

knip · 16 Jun 2013 at 11:46

holymonk said:
Don't get involved, if the women concerned are too stupid to get out of DV then you intervening wont make a difference anyway.

Jesus. Cos it's THAT simple, just get out. You should do some research before making generalisations like that. Victims of domestic violence have (and I know this because I work with lots of women who've suffered DV) been worn down over many months/years by their abusive partner. Perpetrators don't smack them/abuse them on the first date. They wheedle their way in to the victims heart and mind, and then wear them down to the point where the victims self esteem is so low that they don't feel like they deserve any better, and so they can't just "get out"

2 women a week are killed by their partner, and often the most dangerous time is when they have found the courage to leave. Most stay because as I mentioned they have been made to feel so worthless that they think nobody else would want them anyway.

So maybe think next time you say such uneducated things. Life isn't that simple.

Castiel · 16 Jun 2013 at 11:47

[FnG]magnolia;24462498 said:
I understand this but have also seen this approach go badly wrong (Glasgow, Friday night, guy got stabbed by the girl he was trying to help) and it's a really difficult thing to process.

I think we'd all want to make it better and stop the problem and yes, sometimes that might mean hitting someone pretty hard until they stop doing what they were doing, but where do you draw the line? When do you become them?

I think that if we consider everything that may happen in any given situation we would do nothing.....I feel you can only do what your conscience demands and the consequences are the consequences.

If I think it would take such action that I am forced to seriously hurt someone to stop them, or the risks to them or myself are great enough to be of significant concern then that is when I call the authorities...sometimes you can stop something, or at least cause pause enough for real help to arrive just by the intervention without force, yes you run a risk, but it is up to you to decide whether that risk is worth it.