Flatmate Etiquette

Pez

Pez

Pez

Soldato
Joined
20 Oct 2002
Posts
5,006
Location
Warwickshire
Evening all,

For the last 3 months, my flatmate has all but moved his girlfriend in, and it's starting to really bug me.

She is here almost every evening, all evening. She stays overnight, and then stays in bed even when me and said flatmate are at work. Am I being unreasonable in not wanting her to be here 24/7? It would be more acceptable if she were to perhaps pay towards the bills, but she doesnt.

I just want the ability to come in, and not feel like I'm tip-toeing around a couple, feeling like a 3rd wheel in my own flat.

Guys, what can I do? :(
 
Request some rent money rent.

Are you able to take your flatmate aside for a while and discuss things with him?
 
Talk to him.

Does she really use enough electricity etc on her own to warrant her paying extra rent though? If she is actually costing you more money per month then its not unreasonable to expect either her or your flatmate to cover the expense.
 
Freefaller said:
Chain her to the sink with enough slack for the fridge and oven. Sorted.
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Just to be technical.. cleaning apparatus and fluids should be within chain slack.. just in case they arnt under the sink..

On a more serious note.. talk to your flatmate about his other half being around a lot and your worried it will bump up the bills..
 
Some rather heated text messages were exchanged when I found that they had gone away for 4 days... having left a bowl full of washing up in the sink. I pointed out the issue, and I got no reply on the topic again.

The thing is, even if they ARE in his room all the time, I'm still not happy about it. I'm being 100% serious, she has almost spent more time in my flat than I have.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable for her to pay towards utils if she is here all the time... but the fact is, I'd rather handle the bills myself, and him go to her a few nights a week or something. She lives all of a 5-10min walk from ours.

It's not the money I'm worried about, it's the fact that I feel like I'm a lodger with a couple...

Help :(
 
Seriously though, if she's eating your food, having 30 min showers, or lots of baths, and generally using your flat then she is going to contribute an extra cost over a long period of time which WILL add up to a sum enough to be significant. Talk to your housemate, say to him that you don't mind her coming round but you feel she should contribute more to the household if she is going to spend more time round at yours.

Don't feel like you're tiptoeing around a couple it's your house, if you want to watch TV in your boxers in the front room do it, do what you'd do in spite of her being there. Talk to him and say that you're a little concerned that she might bump the bills up. Alternatively, get yourself a girlfriend! ;)

Does she cook or help out with the housework or contribute in other ways at all? What's the exact situation?

edit: just seen your post.

If they are leaving the flat in a state and if she's starting to take the pee a little, I don;t think it's unreasonable to air your concerns to him that you fear she might be bumping the bills up. Heck having 1 extra person in the house does use up more resources no matter what spin you have on it. It does seem as though he and her are being a little selfish and inconsiderate.
 
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DRZ said:
Talk to him.

Does she really use enough electricity etc on her own to warrant her paying extra rent though? If she is actually costing you more money per month then its not unreasonable to expect either her or your flatmate to cover the expense.
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He's clearly just after some compensation for her mooching on his personal space. His mate will probably sort it that they don't invade on him as much if he has a sensible chat.

OP why can't he go round to hers?
 
Well do you want her gone or just to pay bills? I don't think you're really in a position to tell her not be round so often. I can understand how you feel mate but I just don't see how you could pull it off. If you want her to pay bills, I would say something like this to your flatmate: "So dude, what's going on with your girl friend? It seems she has pretty much moved in. I don't mind but I'd appreciate she contributed fairly to bills and so on." Some people might argue you should be a bit more strong but I personally wouldn't from the start. If he mistakes your less-direct approach as a weakness then just come in strong.

I have no real experience in such situations so my opinion means very little :D Might help though :)

Edit

Just seen your new post. I don't know what you can really do about that mate. I can't see why you feel like that even if they do keep to his room.
 
Freefaller said:
Seriously though, if she's eating your food, having 30 min showers, or lots of baths, and generally using your flat then she is going to contribute an extra cost over a long period of time which WILL add up to a sum enough to be significant. Talk to your housemate, say to him that you don't mind her coming round but you feel she should contribute more to the household if she is going to spend more time round at yours.

Don't feel like you're tiptoeing around a couple it's your house, if you want to watch TV in your boxers in the front room do it, do what you'd do in spite of her being there. Talk to him and say that you're a little concerned that she might bump the bills up. Alternatively, get yourself a girlfriend! ;)

Does she cook or help out with the housework or contribute in other ways at all? What's the exact situation?

edit: just seen your post.

If they are leaving the flat in a state and if she's starting to take the pee a little, I don;t think it's unreasonable to air your concerns to him that you fear she might be bumping the bills up. Heck having 1 extra person in the house does use up more resources no matter what spin you have on it. It does seem as though he and her are being a little selfish and inconsiderate.
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She's not eating my food, or even taking stupidly long showers. She's just ALWAYS here. I think they are experiencing married couple syndrome.

If at the start it was 'Me and the mrs are getting a flat, want to rent a room with us?' I'd have 100% said no, simply because of the living arrangements and strangeness.

z0mbi3 said:
He's clearly just after some compensation for her mooching on his personal space. His mate will probably sort it that they don't invade on him as much if he has a sensible chat.

OP why can't he go round to hers?
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Again, it's not money I'm worried about, it's the invasion. Her stuff in the bathroom, her stuff everywhere, it's doing my head in.

And there is no reason whatsoever that he can't go to hers, he get's on with her mum absolutely fine.

sniffy said:
Well do you want her gone or just to pay bills? I don't think you're really in a position to tell her not be round so often. I can understand how you feel mate but I just don't see how you could pull it off. If you want her to pay bills, I would say something like this to your flatmate: "So dude, what's going on with your girl friend? It seems she has pretty much moved in. I don't mind but I'd appreciate she contributed fairly to bills and so on." Some people might argue you should be a bit more strong but I personally wouldn't from the start. If he mistakes your less-direct approach as a weakness then just come in strong.

I have no real experience in such situations so my opinion means very little :D Might help though :)

Edit

Just seen your new post. I don't know what you can really do about that mate. I can't see why you feel like that even if they do keep to his room.
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They don't keep to the room though, see above, stuff everywhere.

I don't expect any rent, everyone knows it's rent / rooms and bills / people.

It's just a right pain in the arse :(
 
It's a crap position to be in tbh, you've made the fatal mistake of being welcoming to your mate's g/f :p And he won't even see what the problem is because he's happily ensconced in his g/f.

It's more than just bills but the principle as well if she's literally around all the time, you signed up for a 2-bed place and you're now living in it with 3 people without any input on the extra person, so you're perfectly entitled to feel a bit miffed about it I think.

Problem is, there's sod-all you can do about it without either making your flatmate feel uncomfortable or making her feel uncomfortable, either way it doesn't work out particularly well.

I'd sit down and have a few pints and say that while you're glad everything's going well, if she's going to spend all her time at yours why not move her in and split the rent and bills etc - hopefully he'll get the subtle hint that he's extracting the urine a little, but then there's a good chance he'll pass your 'hint' on as subtly as a brick and she'll think that you don't like her, or she will actually move in and then you'll be stuck in the situation!

Good luck!
 
is it your home?

has the guy spoken to you about it?

if not you dont have a leg to stand on - if he wants his girlfriend round he's perfectly entitled to - if you dont like that maybe you should get a place of your own.
 
Just put her stuff aside, or move it. Or tell her to put it in his cupboards etc... You need your space and if you can't get any freedom or time to yourself it's not very fair is it? Just explain that you need your space and with her there all the time it's making you uncomfortable.

alternatively what Rich_L suggests is quite sensible.
 
Rich_L said:
It's a crap position to be in tbh, you've made the fatal mistake of being welcoming to your mate's g/f :p And he won't even see what the problem is because he's happily ensconced in his g/f.

It's more than just bills but the principle as well if she's literally around all the time, you signed up for a 2-bed place and you're now living in it with 3 people without any input on the extra person, so you're perfectly entitled to feel a bit miffed about it I think.

Problem is, there's sod-all you can do about it without either making your flatmate feel uncomfortable or making her feel uncomfortable, either way it doesn't work out particularly well.

I'd sit down and have a few pints and say that while you're glad everything's going well, if she's going to spend all her time at yours why not move her in and split the rent and bills etc - hopefully he'll get the subtle hint that he's extracting the urine a little, but then there's a good chance he'll pass your 'hint' on as subtly as a brick and she'll think that you don't like her.

Good luck!
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Thanks mate :)

Thing is, she's 17 and starting college in september. She lives with her mum and pays her rent... there is no way in hell she will move out.

So she doesnt want to move out, but at the same time, spends all of her time here.

Flatmate is 22 and earns decent wages, and also feels the need to do the whole provider routine of paying for everything. This includes 'their' shopping and other household stuff... thats how they refer to it, our.
 
Pez said:
Again, it's not money I'm worried about, it's the invasion. Her stuff in the bathroom, her stuff everywhere, it's doing my head in.

And there is no reason whatsoever that he can't go to hers, he get's on with her mum absolutely fine.



They don't keep to the room though, see above, stuff everywhere.
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Just explain to him that you like her but that her being around all the time is making you feel like a guest in your own flat. You don't mind her being there for a bit but all the time without consulting you is really inconsiderate.

He should see sense in that, you just have to make sure that he understands that your problem isn't with her, just the invasion (and that it would be the same with anyone else).


Also by compensation I meant acknowledgement/action rather than buying you off ;)

stevenazari1 said:
is it your home?

has the guy spoken to you about it?

if not you dont have a leg to stand on - if he wants his girlfriend round he's perfectly entitled to - if you dont like that maybe you should get a place of your own.
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:rolleyes:

In the real world people who share flats have to compromise from time to time.
 
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