Friday Joke.

Plane crash...

Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced,
"Please prepare for a crash landing!"
The first lady put on all her jewelry. Surprised by this the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady said, "Well when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first."
The second lady not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra.
"Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned
"Well when they come to rescue us, they will see my great **** and will take me first."
The third lady who was African, not wanting to be out done took off her pants and panties.
"Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned.
"Well they always search for the black box first?"
 
Dad.....

A father entered his daughter's bedroom and saw a letter on the bed. With the worst premonition, he read it with trembling hands:



Dear Mum and Dad,



It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I've eloped with my new boyfriend. I've found real love and he is so nice.



Especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos, and his big motorbike. But it's not only that, I'm pregnant, and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his caravan in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, after all they're the one's providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want. In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the AIDS cure, so Ahmed gets better. He deserves it.



Don't worry about money. Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Jamal make in their flat. Apparently I can earn £50 a scene. I get a £50 bonus if there are more than three men in the scene, and an extra £100 if they use the horse.



Don't worry Mum. Now I'm 15 years old, I know how to take care of myself.



Someday I'll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren.



Your loving daughter,

Sharon.
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P.S.

Dad, it's not true. I'm watching TV at a neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than ENGLAND GETTING BEAT ON ******NG PENALTIES....
 
Horrific Hurricane in UK leaves Essex in a mess

One of my faves at the moment...

ESSEX HURRICANE APPEAL

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Friday with its epicentre in Basildon.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon.

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying.
My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include:

Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.

£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop. 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked," ROMFORD" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.
 
Who Does What...

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
 
Last edited:
darkblade said:
One of my faves at the moment...

ESSEX HURRICANE APPEAL

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Friday with its epicentre in Basildon.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon.

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying.
My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include:

Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.

£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop. 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked," ROMFORD" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.
Click to expand...

:D
 
A Man suspects wife of seeing another man

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mee Lookee Yu, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later he received this report:
Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE.
 
cleanbluesky said:
How many Oxford Dons does it take to change a lightbulb?


Change? What do you mean change?
Click to expand...

:D Although I prefer

How many Vietnam Veterans does it take to change a lightbulb?

YOU DON'T KNOW, YOU WEREN'T THERE
 
Girlfriends

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn`t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now 40 and am looking for a girl with very big ****.
 
Bongani

For teachers and parents

TEACHER: Why are you late?
BONGANI: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
BONGANI: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

TEACHER: Bongani, why are you doing your math sums on the floor?
BONGANI: You told me to do it without using tables!

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
BONGANI: "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
BONGANI: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

TEACHER: Bongani, go to the map and find North America.
BONGANI: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: BONGANI!

TEACHER: Bongani, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
BONGANI: Me!

BONGANI: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
BONGANI: Your name on this report card.

TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
BONGANI: Don't bite any.

TEACHER: Bongani, give me a sentence starting with "I".
BONGANI: I is ...
TEACHER: No, Bongani. Always say, "I am."
BONGANI: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
BONGANI: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
BONGANI: "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"

TEACHER: What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots!
BONGANI: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just like that at home.

TEACHER: Now, Bongani, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
BONGANI: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Bongani, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's Did you copy his?
BONGANI: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
BONGANI: A teacher!
 
Clerkin said:
north is towards the north pole. there is only one north ;)

uneducated southern scum ;) :D
Click to expand...

Well Gods north is different as he not based on earth and confined to the realm of magnetism :p

Typical dozey aye ba gum eeck types :D
 
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