Soldato
- Joined
- 3 Jul 2005
- Posts
- 3,027
LMAO!
Friday joke
- Thread starter Simmz
- Start date
Sorry if this is trashing but I have a similar 'jar of money' joke.
A man walks into a bar and sits down and orders a drink. He then notices a jar that is full of money. The man asks the bartender what the jar is for.
The bartender then says that he has a donkey in the back room and "if anyone can make him him laugh they win the money. If not they owe me 100 dollars."
The man says, "I can do it!" So he goes into the back room and about 5 minutes later the bartender hears the donkey laughing out loud. The man walks out and takes the money from the jar, thanks the bartender, and leaves.
About a month later the man comes back into the bar and there is a new jar of money. The man asks the bartender what the new jar of money is for.
The bartender looks at the man and says, "if you can make the donkey cry the money is yours, if not you owe me 100 dollars." The man says, "ok I'll do it!"
He walks into the back room and about 2 minutes goes by when the bartender hears the donkey crying. The man walks out and grabs the money out of the jar, but before the man leaves the bartender asks, "How did you make the donkey laugh?"
The man looks at the bartender and says, "Well the first time I told the donkey that I had a bigger pecker then he did".
"How did you make him cry?" asks the bartender?
"Well I showed him."
A man walks into a bar and sits down and orders a drink. He then notices a jar that is full of money. The man asks the bartender what the jar is for.
The bartender then says that he has a donkey in the back room and "if anyone can make him him laugh they win the money. If not they owe me 100 dollars."
The man says, "I can do it!" So he goes into the back room and about 5 minutes later the bartender hears the donkey laughing out loud. The man walks out and takes the money from the jar, thanks the bartender, and leaves.
About a month later the man comes back into the bar and there is a new jar of money. The man asks the bartender what the new jar of money is for.
The bartender looks at the man and says, "if you can make the donkey cry the money is yours, if not you owe me 100 dollars." The man says, "ok I'll do it!"
He walks into the back room and about 2 minutes goes by when the bartender hears the donkey crying. The man walks out and grabs the money out of the jar, but before the man leaves the bartender asks, "How did you make the donkey laugh?"
The man looks at the bartender and says, "Well the first time I told the donkey that I had a bigger pecker then he did".
"How did you make him cry?" asks the bartender?
"Well I showed him."
that made me lol, people are giving me funny looks in the office
I have a bar joke, not similar, but awful enough to share 
A guy walks into a bar with his hand on the side of his head chatting away, he sits on a stool, ends his sentence with a goodbye and closes his hand into a fist. "Pint of lager please mate" he askes the bartender, the bar tender gives him an odd look, pours him a pint and finally thinks screw it and asks "why were you talking to your hand then pal?" handing the pint over.
"its my phone" the man replies. "Sure it is" the barman chuckles sarcastically, The man stands off his stool, takes the phone number of the pub down, "Ill go in the loo now, and ring you with my hand". The man heads to the loo and rings the pub phone, the barman answers sheepily "thats incredible!", "told you so" replied the man
"I'll be out in a minute". a good 5 minutes goes buy, and the barman starts to get a little concerned, slowly, noises of grunts and moans start getting louder and louder coming from the toilet "what the hell is he doing now" the barman utters to himself, and decided to go in. He cautiously sticks his head around the door, and then starts to look around as he cant see the guy.
The man appears in the far cubicle both arms against the wall, legs spread with a piece of toilet paper hanging off the crack of his bum, "WHAT THE ****" the bar man shouts, "dont worry about it mate" the guy exclaims, "Im just printing a fax"
A guy walks into a bar with his hand on the side of his head chatting away, he sits on a stool, ends his sentence with a goodbye and closes his hand into a fist. "Pint of lager please mate" he askes the bartender, the bar tender gives him an odd look, pours him a pint and finally thinks screw it and asks "why were you talking to your hand then pal?" handing the pint over.
"its my phone" the man replies. "Sure it is" the barman chuckles sarcastically, The man stands off his stool, takes the phone number of the pub down, "Ill go in the loo now, and ring you with my hand". The man heads to the loo and rings the pub phone, the barman answers sheepily "thats incredible!", "told you so" replied the man
"I'll be out in a minute". a good 5 minutes goes buy, and the barman starts to get a little concerned, slowly, noises of grunts and moans start getting louder and louder coming from the toilet "what the hell is he doing now" the barman utters to himself, and decided to go in. He cautiously sticks his head around the door, and then starts to look around as he cant see the guy.
The man appears in the far cubicle both arms against the wall, legs spread with a piece of toilet paper hanging off the crack of his bum, "WHAT THE ****" the bar man shouts, "dont worry about it mate" the guy exclaims, "Im just printing a fax"
I have a bar joke, not similar, but awful enough to share
A guy walks into a bar with his hand on the side of his head chatting away, he sits on a stool, ends his sentence with a goodbye and closes his hand into a fist. "Pint of lager please mate" he askes the bartender, the bar tender gives him an odd look, pours him a pint and finally thinks screw it and asks "why were you talking to your hand then pal?" handing the pint over.
"its my phone" the man replies. "Sure it is" the barman chuckles sarcastically, The man stands off his stool, takes the phone number of the pub down, "Ill go in the loo now, and ring you with my hand". The man heads to the loo and rings the pub phone, the barman answers sheepily "thats incredible!", "told you so" replied the man
"I'll be out in a minute". a good 5 minutes goes buy, and the barman starts to get a little concerned, slowly, noises of grunts and moans start getting louder and louder coming from the toilet "what the hell is he doing now" the barman utters to himself, and decided to go in. He cautiously sticks his head around the door, and then starts to look around as he cant see the guy.
The man appears in the far cubicle both arms against the wall, legs spread with a piece of toilet paper hanging off the crack of his bum, "WHAT THE ****" the bar man shouts, "dont worry about it mate" the guy exclaims, "Im just printing a fax"
Damn I know there was a warning, and I don't usually comment on old jokes but that is ancient... not to mention that I seem to remember a funnier varient about MS, Mac and Linux exec's comparing mobiles...
Probably ya, I just remember the jist and the punchline i heard it THAT long ago
, cant beat a classic.biddum dum chsshhh
I have a bar joke, not similar, but awful enough to share
A guy walks into a bar with his hand on the side of his head chatting away, he sits on a stool, ends his sentence with a goodbye and closes his hand into a fist. "Pint of lager please mate" he askes the bartender, the bar tender gives him an odd look, pours him a pint and finally thinks screw it and asks "why were you talking to your hand then pal?" handing the pint over.
"its my phone" the man replies. "Sure it is" the barman chuckles sarcastically, The man stands off his stool, takes the phone number of the pub down, "Ill go in the loo now, and ring you with my hand". The man heads to the loo and rings the pub phone, the barman answers sheepily "thats incredible!", "told you so" replied the man
"I'll be out in a minute". a good 5 minutes goes buy, and the barman starts to get a little concerned, slowly, noises of grunts and moans start getting louder and louder coming from the toilet "what the hell is he doing now" the barman utters to himself, and decided to go in. He cautiously sticks his head around the door, and then starts to look around as he cant see the guy.
The man appears in the far cubicle both arms against the wall, legs spread with a piece of toilet paper hanging off the crack of his bum, "WHAT THE ****" the bar man shouts, "dont worry about it mate" the guy exclaims, "Im just printing a fax"
Lol I laughed at that one
Ahh well if it's time for old jokes... and we are on a bar theme...
A solution to all of your drinking troubles
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.
Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic.
A solution to all of your drinking troubles
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.
Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic.
this thread makes me want to end my life
***Passes Shotgun****
There's a penguin driving down the road when suddenly his car starts to misfire. Concerned, he backs off the gas a little bit but the misfire is still there.
After a mile or so, he gets to a town and spies a garage open at the side of the road so he pulls in and the mechanic comes out to greet him:
"What's the problem?"
"I dunno, it just started misfiring a couple of miles back; could you take a look at it?"
"Sure. Give me an hour to look it over and come back. There's a shopping centre just down the road if you get bored."
So the penguin ambles off down the road, looking in a few shop windows. He pops into a bookshop and has a nose around before going into the newsagents next door to it. He gets himself a paper and an ice cream then sits outside, killing time until he goes back to the garage. He finishes off his ice cream, does the crossword, folds up the newspaper and walks back up the road.
He gets back to the garage and asks the mechanic if he had looked at the car.
"Yeah...It's not good news, I'm afraid..."
"What's wrong?"
"It looks like you've blown a seal..."
"IT'S ICE CREAM YOU ****!"
*n
After a mile or so, he gets to a town and spies a garage open at the side of the road so he pulls in and the mechanic comes out to greet him:
"What's the problem?"
"I dunno, it just started misfiring a couple of miles back; could you take a look at it?"
"Sure. Give me an hour to look it over and come back. There's a shopping centre just down the road if you get bored."
So the penguin ambles off down the road, looking in a few shop windows. He pops into a bookshop and has a nose around before going into the newsagents next door to it. He gets himself a paper and an ice cream then sits outside, killing time until he goes back to the garage. He finishes off his ice cream, does the crossword, folds up the newspaper and walks back up the road.
He gets back to the garage and asks the mechanic if he had looked at the car.
"Yeah...It's not good news, I'm afraid..."
"What's wrong?"
"It looks like you've blown a seal..."
"IT'S ICE CREAM YOU ****!"
*n
Permabanned
- Joined
- 13 Nov 2006
- Posts
- 5,798
took me a while get it but it was funny when I did.
Old, but... so is the rest of this thread...
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in the laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it is clean.
Condition your hair with conditioner enhanced with grapefruit and mint.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in a super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and the hand towel on head.
If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave in a pile on the floor.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see your wife along the way, shake willy at her making the "woo-woo" sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse it off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Piddle.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the "woo-woo" sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in the laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it is clean.
Condition your hair with conditioner enhanced with grapefruit and mint.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in a super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and the hand towel on head.
If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave in a pile on the floor.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see your wife along the way, shake willy at her making the "woo-woo" sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse it off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Piddle.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the "woo-woo" sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
A 2 man plane crashes into a graveyard during some bad weather flying over Ireland.
Local News reports that 'Paddy O'Brien' who is in charge of the rescue attempt, confirmed that rescuers have recovered over 300 bodies so far in there search for survivors........
Local News reports that 'Paddy O'Brien' who is in charge of the rescue attempt, confirmed that rescuers have recovered over 300 bodies so far in there search for survivors........