Friday joke

Not very funny, no doubt my efforts is worse:

I went to get my lunch and asked for a pack of helicopter flavored crisps and a cup of coffee.

All they had were plane crisps and the coffee tasted like mud. When I complained, I was told "That's because it was ground this morning."
 
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St.. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer-you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Satan meets him at the gates of Hell, and says "Wow, you're the first Engineer we've got down here. Let me give you a tour".

On the tour, the Devil points out some things that are broken, and the Engineer offers to try and fix them. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake! He should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
 
MikeHunt79 said:
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St.. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer-you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Satan meets him at the gates of Hell, and says "Wow, you're the first Engineer we've got down here. Let me give you a tour".

On the tour, the Devil points out some things that are broken, and the Engineer offers to try and fix them. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake! He should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Click to expand...

A joke of Godlike Proportions :D
 
Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe.

'Who the hell are you?' demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom?'

The mysterious man answered 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

Dave was stunned 'You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . you've got to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad' he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said 'So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?'

'It's not so bad' replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating' explained the rooster, 'don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

' Nev er!' replies Dave.

'Well just relax and let it happen'

So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...

'Dave, wake up you drunken ******, you've **** the bed.
 
OP joke = meh.

Turophobic said:
Not very funny, no doubt my efforts is worse:

I went to get my lunch and asked for a pack of helicopter flavored crisps and a cup of coffee.

All they had were plane crisps and the coffee tasted like mud. When I complained, I was told "That's because it was ground this morning."
Click to expand...
*groans*

MikeHunt79 said:
Snip
Click to expand...
Wahey! This one funny be. :D
 
1st joke - smiled and thought 'yup, figures'

2nd joke - grinned

3rd joke - still waiting for the joke.
 
There were two priests driving along a country road, on their way to give the Last Rights. Suddenly a rabbit ran across the road right in front of them. The driver priest slammed on the brakes, but ended up hitting the rabbit.

The passenger priest jumped out, ran around the front of the car and declared that the rabbit had been killed. The passenger priest was so distraught that the driver priest got out to comfort him.

The passenger priest lamented so about the death of one of God's creatures that the driver priest decided to bless the rabbit with Holy Water. He took a small bottle of Holy Water out of his pocket and doused the flattened bunny with it.

After a few moments, to the astonishment of both priests, the rabbit twitched, jumped up, turned around to face the priests, waved at them and took off for the bushes-stopping to turn and wave at the priests every few feet.

The passenger priest said " Father, what was that you blessed the rabbit with?!"

The driver priest, thinking he'd used Holy Water was about to answer when he looked at the bottle he was holding. He then responded to his companion, "It's hair restorer with a permanent wave."

:p
 
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