Friday Joke

Pain

Pain

Pain

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481
A Duck walks into a bar and says to the Barman, "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any ******* bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't got any ******* bread, ask me
again and I'll nail your ******* beak to the bar you irritating ******* bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread ?

I'll get my coat!! ;)
 

silvercut

silvercut

silvercut

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608
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee,
and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
 

exia

exia

exia

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9 May 2009
Posts
392
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks. -rd
 

Cosimo

Cosimo

Cosimo

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164,582
Location
Metropolis
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. They all suffer from a severe stutter.

"What's it to be?" asks the stunningly beautiful landlady.

"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi.................."says the Englishman.

Up steps the Irishman. "Threeee p pints of of of of gui gui gui gui................."

Then the Scotsman tries."Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th......................."

"Oh bugger this !" says the beautiful landlady and walks away to serve someone else.

She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet.

"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi", stutters the Englishman.

"Three pints of gui gui gui gui........." tries Paddy.

And then Scotty starts "Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th...........".

"Look" says the beautiful landlady, who loves a bet, "If any one of you can answer a question without stuttering I'll let you shag me!"

Quite confident that no one will win, she turns to the Englishman.

"Where do you live?" "M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man Manch Manch Manch." "No. You lose." says the beautiful landlady. Turning to the Scotsman, she asks, "Where do you live Scotty?", trying not to laugh.

"E E E E E Ed Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edinb." "Sorry, you lose." says the gorgeous woman. "And Paddy, where do you live?" she purrs at the Irishman.

"London" blurts out the Irishman. "Oh. Bugger!" says the landlady. A great cheer goes up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly takes him by the hand and leads him upstairs. Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, next she takes off her bra exposing a voluptuous bosom.

Finally she slides off her panties then climbs into bed. Paddy with concentration furrowing his brow, climbs on and goes for glory, and then, right at the climaxing stroke, he suddenly screams out "............... D D D D D Derry!!"
 

The Dread Pirate

The Dread Pirate

The Dread Pirate

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Location
Outside in the bushes
Pain said:
A Duck walks into a bar and says to the Barman, "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any ******* bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't got any ******* bread, ask me
again and I'll nail your ******* beak to the bar you irritating ******* bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread ?

I'll get my coat!! ;)
Click to expand...

samir_ansari said:
I don't actually get the OP joke, am I alone here?
Click to expand...

Thats because he did it wrong It should be:

A Duck walks into a bar and asks the Barman, "Got any bread?"

The Barman says: "No."

The duck then leaves.

The next day the same duck walks into the bar and asks the barman "Got any bread?"

"No" Replies the barman.

The Duck leaves.

This same duck for the next week or so keeps coming in asking the same question the barman eventually gets wound up and says to the duck.

Look I've told you about 15 times that we have no bread now you come in again and ask the same ****ing question I swear I'll nail your bill to the bar.

The Duck leaves rather quickly.

The next day the duck doesn't apper and the barman feeling satisfied at the end of the day starts to close the pub... Suddenly before he can lock the door the Duck confident as anything walks in & heads straight up to the bar.

The barman sighing deeply asks "Ok... what can I do you for?"

"Have you got any nails?" asks the Duck.

"No" replies the Barman slightly Confused.

"Good..." says the Duck "Have you Got any Bread?"
 
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