Gf being pushed/managed out of her job - looking to be signed off.. Any advice to help?

[413x]

This a bit like a carbon copy of the other thread.

Is a bit long so TLDR :

-GF is in a toxic work environment - I've never seen he this stressed and angry.
-she can't think logically and is in a destructive negative emotional spiral
-She's going to be put on performance review soon I can tell
-it's probably a two way boss/her issue
-She's thinking of getting signed off for stress (she is very stressed)
-She's had physical extended absence before for unrelated back issues
-She's actively looking for other jobs. This isn't going well

will getting signed off sick backfire? Or, if its the only option, is it a good idea? ..Legitimately, I'd sign her off. She's a state.

I don't believe she has enough logic or can detach her emotions to come out of this positively at her work place


Longer read :

I believe she is about to be put on performance review. Her manager has said she's not meeting expectations. And it's not getting better.

Unfortunately as it's her, not me, I only get 2nd hand biased info. But I do hear (work from home) the one to ones she has

Timeline:
Everything was 'ok' not great but no issues. Let's say average.
New manager comes in Few months back.
Gf isn't performing.

Now from what I gather its become a boss/employee toxic relationship. And she will end up being pushed out or leaving. But she's struggling to find jobs. This is stressing her out more.
It's at the point she's Booked a doc appointment for stress - to be fair, her mental health is through the floor.


Job themes include:
-gf acknowledges she's a bit slow
-her boss has accused her of lying which she has evidence she didn't do
-deadline KPIs have poor deadlines (deadline December, red rating now)
-signed off work isn't signed off - it gets reworked by the boss
-many deadlines require other people's input.. Other people don't want to do it, gf gets blame, needs to be more 'assertive'
-boss moves goal posts, a piece of work will be OK, then not. Poor sign off.
-gf has becomes disorganised, she forgets things and boss calls these up as she's no longer invested

Really, the core issue is her and her boss don't talk. She's basically scared to talk.



I've suggested a few things like proactively bringing up deadlines.
"you've said I have this December deadline, but it's red now, can we discuss and work through chunking this up so we are on the same page"
"you've identified that this project is a 'red' because I'm responsible. I'm struggling to get other people to dedicate the time, can you help me formulate a strategy to overcome this"

You know, the cliche be proactive, admit you have some areas of improvement but you also want to work on them.

But I fear she can't do it. She's just do socially awkward, angry at her boss and basically emotionally unstable to do what's needed.

Whenever we talk it's clear she always brings up 'she's horrible', 'why can't she be nice', 'I can't even bring myself to talk to her'. Emotive negative stuff. And when I suggest 'survival tactics' she almost immediately switches back to emotive stuff.

Absolutely any advice you guys can give? It's completely destructive to her, our relationship and her enjoyment of life.


Added the below


If I'm completely honest I don't think she's cut out for the work. She takes too long to do stuff. And has probably slipped behind. Her manager hasn't addressed this properly and it's become a bigger ballooning problem.
It's an extroverted, assertive, organised job and somehow she's Fallen into it because 'she likes writing' but has ended up in marketing

 

[413x]

Not going to comment on getting signed off but a few points around the job themes:

This is quite common in some roles. One way of handling this, other than being assertive, is to put more formality around the dependencies. In a project environment this is easier, as you can leverage things like risk logs to protect yourself a bit.
If it's more a BAU construct, consider publishing miniplans with named responsibilities and deadline dates, asking for positive confirmation that the individuals are committed to the plan. If they don't provide this or renege on their commitment, this can then be escalated. This will all help build up collateral for the performance management reviews, providing physical evidence of her efforts to drive action through forward planning rather than just a conversation "Yeah I asked Jenny in accounts to send me the extracts, she said it would take too long and was too busy. So I've missed my deadline"

Similarly if there is moving goal posts, record keeping can help, although might be difficult if she's disorganised (conversely it might help reduce the disorganisation).

More broadly it sounds like an issue in segregating emotions and practicalities, which could remain a problem even if she changes jobs. There's a chance in every job that you will have to work with someone you don't like / gel with, so you need to have a mechanism to deal with that. You can do training on how to approach this sort of thing, although obviously you need to go in with a receptive attitude. This is a random link I found but it touches on some training I had years ago around asking for every conflict "COULD I let this go?": https://www.meditationlifeskills.com/the-art-of-letting-go/ I'd brush over the mindfulness stuff as not really about that, more about acceptance of issues.

edit: to be clear, she might not be in the right state of mind to consider stuff like that now, but maybe for the future.

Yeah I think I agree on basically everything.

There are ways around these things. But if emotions are in control and you cant turn them off, has the ship sailed? Especially hate and rage.

I've kind of suggested doing some of this.
Have formal sign off.
Have a formal third party approach:
Have attempts.. A set number.. A process.
Email, second email, phone call, escalate.
Keep evidence.

I just don't think she has the mental state to manage it.

Even without the emotive stuff I think she just hates 'lots of little tasks' and can't organise herself out of it.

I think she spends too long on everything rather than just getting something decent out the door she spends ages doing it. For her manager to say 'it's wrong'

It is possible her manager really just does want her out. After all she inherited this.



Concern is its no longer just work that's suffering. (hence thread)
Each new job interview is more pressure as work gets worse. Which makes her health worse.. Rinse and repeat. I'm out of suggestions.

I have mental health issues but largely stay on top. But I can see them emerging in her. "ill never get a newjob"
I always use logic to take emotion away when I need to (like when I got put on review). But she just can't. I feel helpless really.

Thanks for replying. I'll offer these up. See if I get a brick wall

 

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Thanks all.

And yeah I basically agree with you all. This is a get before you are pushed out thing.

I do fear her not getting a job in time (in time for fallout) but she has to try.
So she'll probably put pressure on herself to get new jobs. Longer it takes worse it'll get I guess



I think she is going to try and get signed off. She's in a bit of a state I have to say.

'worthless' and 'why are you with me' keeps coming out. Its all she can think about.

 

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I thought it all sounded a bit too much until you mentioned marketing right at the end. It's all too common in that field with huge egos and everyone needing to act an extrovert.

Even with an alright boss, the job doesn't sound like something worth fighting for long term. Put the effort into finding a job elsewhere, something will crop up eventually.

Yeah, again, it's hard to know if her boss is being unfair or how much. But main reason i think she is and is playing games is that her work is always 'wrong' but you can't really argue with it, but it's just writing and opinion. It's like she's forcing doubt and anxiety in. Gf also has no peers at work so it's just her and boss.

I think the accusations of lying really hurt. There are also things like going back on signed off work. It was right, now it's not, nothing has changed. Which is fine, if its a managed process. But gf seems to get the blame.



So yeah. Working on getting out, but seems very difficult.
Doesn't help that 2 interviews said she was second choice. So close. But not enough. Just rubs it in really.
I can see the 'defeat' emotions growing, this is by far my biggest concern

 

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I could do with someone backing me up over this in my organisation.
Trying to explain to tenured staff that new people can, and will make lots of mistakes and will learn from them, and that you can't just rip them off a project the second something goes south and replace them with me is not a message that lands well.

Yeah I just made a mistake today. But my boss is supportive. It was a silly mistake I know it was. I don't need to be belittled or patronised over it.

That would just make me apprehensive of trying anything outside my comfort zone. Thus crippling potential.

A good/bad boss makes so much difference

 

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So she has been offered a job. But she is concerned about absence.

She's doing references now. And was considering not putting most recent (2 years).

I think she has to. If she doesn't will look like deliberate hiding of something.

Her absence falls into two distinct categories

Stress (she's had 7 days off)
Ongoing back/hip 'issues'.
This was significant. And months (4?)

This is not cured. It has taken a lot from her.


She's obviously concerned this may remove the offer.

I didn't want to suggest the wrong thing and be blamed for her losing the job. But I strongly suspect she should list her most recent despite the sickness.

 

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I was looking for a job for months and months before I even found something, lived off nothing for 3 months. UC wouldn't give me anything for 2 months because they said I earned too much. When they where first rolling it out so had nothing. Until UC started rolling out mainstream.

To be honest OP I would evaluate to see if you can manage on one wage, tell her just to leave on good accord and use the time to give her a break if you can keep her up and stable that's the main priority.

Might be time to evaluate outgoings.

Done this calculation before. It would be no life. Living hand to mouth. Life is crippled enough as it is with her other medical stuff. I think I'd end up giving up myself.

I'm struggling already with gfs medical and mental issues. To have the financial pressure too? I think it'd break me. By that I mean my mental health issues I work hard to keep in check

Obviously could survive for a time. But savings would go.

 

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What references are they asking for? At the larger firms it is strictly mechanical. I have an auto request template for example, and it simply says "dLockers worked here between months X and Y" and that's it. Have they specifically asked for colleagues to vouch for her?

I'm not sure. Theyve only just asked in last 20 minutes. I'll ask.

That's also what I hoped they'd ask. I've actually never seen the references that have been asked of me.

Edit.
They haven't been explicit. Just 2 references. Including current employer.

 

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I'd clarify what they're expecting to see. One is a HR request, the other is someone she hand picks to back her?

I agree it's ambiguous. I asked if she'd ask them. She said she didn't want to.

I've suggested she ask current hr what reference they give.

I'd be surprised if it's any more than started X, ended Y, job title Z


Doesn't help shes working herself up about it again. Worrying they might ask about performance and stuff. Which I said is not gonna happen.

 

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She's overthinking things massively. Just provide two references. One for the previous and one for current employment. What else can you do?

This is the spiral she's gotten herself into.
I had to say.

Stop being so negative. You have no control. Vast majority of time they are gonna ask for dates and title. Your company isn't going to make it difficult for you to leave. They aren't going to open themselves up to being sued. Your manager likely wants you gone.

I couldn't definitely say.

Like you say, she has no choice. she's not going to retract her acceptance. So just got to risk it



It's amazing what a negative attitude can do to you. It's first time in really seeing it full on as an adult. I've had it myself. But it's a bit of an eye-opener having to say 'stop being so negative'.

Very draining!

 

[413x]

My wife is doing this at the moment - everything is too much and she can't see the wood through the trees, so instead of logical thinking it's emotional responses where basically nothing is right. It's tough to get through and often we try and solve these things and end up being wrong, too. It's very hard to deal with a partner like this I know. Just try to do a bit at a time to build up their confidence again, try and get them to drop the things they cannot control, but again, not easy process.

It's really hard. It's usually me who's on the negative side. She's like a yoyo at the moment. The day she got the job she was super excited and hyper. Today she got locked into mindset where you'd think she basically lost it.

And last thing I wanted to do was say 'do this' and it be wrong and be blamed

 

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Revisiting this. Gf hasn't had any contact from company since verbal offer was made.

She's again getting anxious as it's been nearly 2 weeks and thinks there might be an issue with references.

I'm not sure if this is anything unusual or not. It does actually seem like a long time to me.

She has emailed to check in but no replies. Which is only making it worse.

Cause for concern or not?
Probably one of those 'how long is a piece of string' questions

 

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If she hasn’t had any response for 3-4 days to her last email does she have a contact number for someone she can call? Emails are easily forgotten or missed, especially in an office which has more work than they can manage. It could be seen as a positive if she words it right. ‘I just wanted to check you got my email, I’m very excited about the possibilities at company name.

She's phoned. Got an answer machine. It's getting rough have to say. It's not great not being able to get in contact. She's also been invited to an event she needs details for.

Told her to lead with needing details for the event and to tack on an update request for references

 

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The person could just be on vacation and it's not unusual for these things to take some time if there are other checks that need to be done. Either way, it's out of yours/her control atm so not much can be done except for wait.

Yeah that's the line I keep peddling to her. Nothing else you can do. They may just be slow/disorganised/non urgent to them.

Doesn't help though! She's still. Working herself up. But not really anything else can do