Grief & Loss

[Wizzkidy]

Hi All,

Most of you don't know me. I am not an active poster, but I have been on these forums since the nuke and before. 6 days ago my wife of 39 passed away suddenly. It was a heart attack caused by a blockage. I was downstairs making the dinner for my 5 children and she was resting after feeling unwell and was awaiting an ambulance after phoning 111. It's only been 6 days and I am now having to support the house, children and many other things I had very little involvement in ( that I regret massively now) I took everything for granted prior to this, my wife did everything for the children and had the patience of a saint. I am at a complete loss at the moment. I have had a couple of OK days but mainly I have been in complete disbelief of the situation. Unfortunately my 8 year old saw everything I was doing (CPR) as he came into the room, all of this was in vain though as I suspect she had been gone for a period of time before I went back upstairs. The paramedics eventually arrived and took over but it was far too late. She was the rock of the family and I was just the person who worked and provided. All my children adored her and saw me as just a annoyance I expect.

I have barely had time to think anything through, my main concern is the children of course and I have managed to get the little ones back to school all this week after the event last week, it's not been easy but the school has been very supportive. The older two is harder and I will need to work on these two.

Thank you for reading

From
Ben (me)
Rowan
Juliet
Hugh
Thomas
Marie

In loving memory of Michelle.

 

[Wizzkidy]

So sorry to hear that. I can't imagine the shock you must be feeling.

Would you share roughly where you are in case anyone can help you out physically?

Sure, I am in Hertfordshire. I have my wife's family support and from some friends. Some people have been having the children here and there. I have not had much time for anything but the kids up to now really.

 

[Wizzkidy]

Where abouts? Do you have a good friend network?

I'm in Stotfold, I have a couple of mates that are helping but mainly my wife's friends and sister is helping out

 

[Wizzkidy]

Thank you all for your kind words. It's early I know but the hardest part is the children's grief. It absolutely kills me. Bedtimes are the hardest.

I only have two friends from over the years but they have been great, I have known them for 20 years.

This has changed my mindset and seeing the outpouring of support gives me strength that lots of people care.

I will never forgive myself for not being there at the time and being downstairs

 

[Wizzkidy]

Sorry for your loss, it's not easy, been through a few losses myself over the last few years. The main advice I can give, echoing what others have said, is some form of bereavement counselling for the kids. I've seen the effects of loss/turmoil affect kids down the line, even when they seemed fine. Also you need to look after YOU! Get whatever professional support you can, even if you think you don't need it. The kids need their dad to be well, now and in the future.

I'm lucky as I have private health care for myself and the kids so I have already had one therapy session and have that booked in for the next 6 weeks for myself. I was awaiting the schools to start something but I have been told that funding isn't available for this anymore, so I will be going through my private heath care for the kids as well. This shocked me really as this happens to a lot of children and to not have funding to do anything in school is crazy.

One day at a time, although I am really struggling with the kids uniform and getting it all out for the next day at the moment, So many clothes and there all everywhere, my wife had her own way.

Unfortunately I am being triggered from everything in the house, everything reminds me of her and it just hurts all the damn time. I forget for a moment when I am busy, but the dread and pain returns within 10 minutes and I am a complete mess.

I cannot get the images out of my head of Michelle on the floor while I tried to save her life when I knew it was too late

EDIT - I am thinking the funeral is going to be very expensive, money I just do not have. I was absolutely not expecting the outpouring of support to get the number the just giving page has got too, absolutely stunned

 

[Wizzkidy]

I do hope that your perception of this "joke of a community" has changed a bit

Hi,

This was a silly comment. I know and of course I appreciate anyone that decides to come in this thread and supports. I can only say I am sorry for the silly comment. I managed to get the 3 little ones to school all week this week and one of the older ones back today. I only have Juliet (10) to get back to school Monday, but she has taken this the hardest. She thinks this is my fault

 

[Wizzkidy]

Well the week has finished and I managed to get the younger ones to school all week and one of the older ones. My 8 year old has football training in the mornings, no one else is going to wanna go but with only me here they will now have no choice but to get up and come, that will be fun.

I am not sure why the just giving link has been removed? I was trying to get the funeral paid for and thought this would have been fine to leave on the page, astounding the amount of support I have seen on this but the funeral is going to cost a fortune.

 

[Wizzkidy]

So it's been 5 months give or take. I miss her every single day, the children have been stabilized, although myself I have a relentless task of full time work 9 to 5 everyday and 5 children after work. I have some help from the sister in law but generally every single day is hard work. I'm up for the mornings at 6:30 and don't finish all 5 children until gone 11pm. The main thing is that the children seem happy. The funeral was incredibly hard for all of us, Christmas was very tough. Life will never be the same again but somehow I will bring these kids up in memory of my wife to the best of my ability.

I have managed to keep my job although they want me in 3 days a week 9 to 5 which is hard, it puts a lot of pressure on the sister in law to do two days let alone 3, even though she is great with the children I feel I am asking a lot of her and it's not fair. Work unfortunately will not let me work from home more then two days a week, even though my job can be performed remotely for 99% things required. The house work itself is a full time job.

I still get flashbacks to what I had to do on the night, the ambulance didn't turn up for 2 hours and I have been contacted by the head of the ambulance service around what went wrong, it only dawned on me a month later that if they arrived earlier things might of been a lot different, although maybe not. They sent me a letter which literately apologised 7 times in it. I am awaiting a report on what went wrong and the delay in the coming days with a timeline of events, What I do then....I do not know, nothing I guess....but I do wonder how it would have played out if they got to her earlier.

things still don't feel real, my mental heath is better but the flashbacks to performing CPR for 40 minutes and seeing what I saw, as well as my 8 year old walking in at the time still hits me hard.

 

[Wizzkidy]

I know, you don’t want to but you might be able to claim some state benefits.

Not happening, I earn far too much for any of that. This was the reason I was determined to keep the job it pays well and would have been foolish to stop. This is all thanks to the sister in law really, otherwise it would have been barely worth it with childcare costs. I think I can raise a flexible working request with work but they want me to evidence every single part of my role and say why it's possible to do 1 or two days in the office only, I can do that but then I look like a liability to the company then. I am in a senior management role. It wouldn't look good. I have to be seen to be committed to the business

 

[Wizzkidy]

You're doing amazingly well all things considered @Wizzkidy It's a shame your employer can't make some reasonable adjustments, i.e. full-time remote working or even just one day a week going in sounds like it would be a massive help, even if it was only temporary.

Now may not be the right time, but if it's going to lead to burnout, start looking elsewhere. As above, get all the support you can, you've paid a lot into the system.

It's burnout I'm worried about. I am lucky the sister in law is here quite a bit but she is also going through loss, she has lost her sister (even be it they didnt always see eye to eye) and she also has a daughter herself. I feel like the luckiest man alive that she is helping me otherwise I really would be in the right doo doo.

I don't feel in the right headspace to look for a new role at the moment and I doubt I'll get anything as good if I'm honest, I dunno maybe one day

Please don't do that to yourself. You can run 'what if' scenarios around your head for the rest of your life but all you'll be doing is beating yourself up over something that can't be changed.

You sound like an incredibly strong individual to be able to hold it all together not only for yourself but also for your children and extended family. It's a shame your employers aren't being more sympathetic to what's going on in your life but I hope it all irons out.

Honestly, I know it doesn't mean much coming from a faceless forum stranger but I admire the strength you're showing and I'm sure your wife would be extremely proud of how you are doing - as we all are

Take care and try to be kind to yourself

This is the thing, I do think about what if every single day. I can't help it! What if I wasn't downstairs making dinner, why wasn't I up there waiting with her, would that of make the difference? She asked me to look after the kids while she waited in bed, I made some bad decisions and I will never forgive myself. I also didn't see the signs she was having over the week or two prior, heartburn, lack of energy I should have known, I let her down big time. You say I am strong but I don't feel it. I feel like a complete failure to my partner for 20 years and wife for 12.

I think you've already shown how committed you are given the circumstances, and what you're asking for isn't much, they can easily measure your performance when WFH to see if it drops.

You need to consider how much longer you can work like this before you burn out, because from your post above it sounds like you're already close to the breaking point. You're potentially putting your own mental and physical health at risk with the stress and not having any real time to rest.

I would agree but "company policy" is 3 days a week in the office. So I will have to raise a flexible working request, but the whole thing makes me feel like they won't take it well, they will do it but then I look like an awkward worker.

Would hiring a cleaner/maid/whatever they are called help out albeit I realise affordability might be an issue.

It would be quite eye-opening how much time you would get back if someone was there to, at the very least, clean the house and do the washing/drying/ironing. I appreciate that, given you have 5 kids, it might be pricey as might need them 3 times a week (Mon/Wed/Fri) to keep on top of it all

It would certainly take a strain off physically and mentally.

I was considering a cleaner, currently me and the sister in law share the load, but it's even too much for both of us if I'm honest, it's probably hard to relate because unless you have actually had 5 children it's really hard to understand just how much mess they make within a few minutes. I will investigate this though, it may take some pressure off.

 

[Wizzkidy]

I certainly don't underestimate it and quite believe the mess that can be made with 5. I don't know how old they are but as time goes on, some responsibilities can be at least partly given to them.

That's not to say not to let them have a childhood but kids from around 10 should be able to at least clean up after themselves and do things like help at dinner time (setting the table, clearing the table, washing the dishes)

As I say, they can still have a childhood even with the above and, a probable side effect of it? They'll be streaks ahead of their peers in things like self responsibility, resilience and just general life skills as they grow up


Re:cleaner - see if you can get one that will do the laundry as well given how much effort that takes.

I should maybe mention that x2 of them have Autism (5 year old & 13 year old) and x1 of them has ADHD (8 years old) so yea....no one really knows what it's like unless you have experienced it.

Ages are

13
10
8
twins at 5

The older two help here and there but it's a drop in the ocean, and we are working on that but it's a long haul and will take time. The main thing is they are all at school and are doing OK. myself....not so much

 

[Wizzkidy]

No, there is no timescale and the intensity will fade over time but it will be with you to the end,

I lost my wife in September to cancer and it came as a huge shock. I thought it would be easy, but it isn’t. Some of the emotions are so strong that you sometimes wonder whether it is worth going on, but you do. You have to take it as it comes, don’t bottle anything and never supress the tears. Talk about it if you can, people will understand, it is not something to be ashamed of.

If it becomes overwhelming then seek counselling, there is always help available.

Funny, I feel better having said that tonight and will sleep well.

I'm really sorry for your loss @Cosimo it really is a terrible thing when you lose your loved one. It's absolutely not easy and I know I also need to move forward with my life, she would have wanted the children to be happy and looked after and that's what I intend to do, it's just really hard without her.

I was 18 when we met, I literally don't know any different and I'm no where near as good with the children as she was. She had everything under control even with three that are nerodeverse! The house was under control, the children, the meals.... everything I just went to work which was the easy bit.

I miss her hugs, I miss our conversations and time together with the children, yet I know I have to go on and try and make sense of all this.

I am really struggling with getting things in order, the house is far too small for us all, and it's a massive trigger for me, everything in here is hers and everything I look at causes me pain.

Not only that but it's only a small three bed house with myself and my children + the sister in law and her daughter staying here as well! That's 8 people crammed in here. It's complete chaos at the best of times.

I'm in no position to move yet, my finances are all over the place, my food bills a astronomical and I have to go get all the sisters in laws positions from Portugal where she has moved from to come live with me! No idea how I am going to manage that, a courier service is grands, so I am intending to hire a van and drive out there, I owe it to the sister in law for up rooting her life to have the kids for me to be able to work, the least I can do is get all her sentimental things from the life she once had over there.

Life is in a right state at the moment, but at least the kids are going to school and are relatively happy.

A lot of that is because of the sister in law to be honest, she has worked hard on giving them time as much as possible

 

[Wizzkidy]

@subbytna I have not been good for a little while really, missing her every day. Mothers day is coming up and her birthday is on the 22nd May as well so it's all accumulating. We have not been up to visit her grave at all yet. I don't think I can bring myself to do it but will do for the children around mothers day and her birthday but the whole thing is just putting a lot of strain on me. With work on top 5 days a week and having to go through a spot check audit for 4 days last week. this has really taken it's toll on me. I am constantly sad and down but hide it best I can round the kids.

The audit was pretty brutal and you can lose the job if you are found to have 3 strikes so this really hit me hard. I am awaiting the results but my mind is not in the right place for this type of stuff right now, I am unsure how it went. The sister in law is still here helping with the 5 children which has defiantly taken a massive load of me, although having her and her daughter her is more people in the house to feed and finances are still crap. I just feel like life is hitting me with everything at the moment and I can't catch a break.

Thanks for asking, everyone else I know personally has moved on, even the rest of my family (little of them) don't even see them anymore