it's been 9 months full time 9-5. Messy, messy, messy.
Well, I realise my problems are negligible compared to many others but I feel the need to follow this up.
Annoyingly I get a bit tearful at any extreme of emotion, even when it's frustration and anger. So my voice cracked a bit when briefly talking to my boss today in frustration (he'd just told me what I should have done, what I'd been dong wrong, and I was pretty upset at his "but it's so simple" manner, you know that look of disbelief in their eyes that says "oh come on, are you /that/ thick?") and so I pegged it to the lab.
A few minutes later he came in asking if I was OK, I teared-up again and explained how it's really hard when things are so complex, often conflicting and named badly, how it leads to my feeling incredibly stupid and slow, which means my confidence is low so I get scared to ask too many questions, and that at times I even worry that I'm a bit of an impostor and that I may lose my job.
This was all a bit of a surprise to him. He said that there was never any question, that I'm a valued member of the team, that really sifting through all the information and documentation to find what you want is an art-form anyway, and that he knows he comes across quite harshly sometimes and apologised.
So, I guess it's a lesson for me in getting grievances and worries out before I let them get to me, but also maybe he needs to be a little more encouraging and understanding of how overwhelming this job is to begin with. Luckily the lovely great big Welsh guy next to me is really helpful, says that this firm is a bugger for throwing you in the deep end - but that people will ALWAYS help out when asked (is true), and that it can take a good couple of years to feel secure and comfortable in how stuff around here works.
Sigh.
Cheers for reading (if you did), sorry if that was a bit dull and weepy but it helped me to get it out.
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