How to catch a psychopath...

Sleeve · 4 Jan 2013 at 13:12

Bit of a random thread I will admit, but I am in a god awful situation and in serious need of some advice.

A close family member is in a very difficult relationship with their husband of 20 years. The man in essence is a psychopath:

Psychopathy (/saɪˈkɒpəθi/[1][2] is a personality disorder that has been variously characterized by shallow emotions (including reduced fear, a lack of empathy, and stress tolerance), coldheartedness, egocentricity, superficial charm, manipulativeness, irresponsibility, impulsivity, criminality, antisocial behavior, a lack of remorse, and a parasitic lifestyle. However, there is no consensus about the symptom criteria and there are ongoing debates regarding issues such as essential features, causes, and the possibility of treatment.[3]

He has been slowly grinding said person down for years now with verbal abuse. I would even go as far as to call it torture. Not to mention the sneaky things he does behind her back to provoke a reaction. Then, when she does react to said situation he records her on his phone and mocks her for getting upset. The woman is crying on a daily basis to members of my family from the vile things he does to her.

Now he is trying to get her evicted from her own home and creating scenarios to make her look emotionally unstable etc and using her depression and anxiety attacks as a weapon against her (Bare in mind these were bought on by his abuse over the years)

The problem is he is a very clever man and impossible to catch him out. If only I had all week to divulge the sick games he plays.

I know this probably isn't the best place to ask, and sorry if this thread is unacceptable here but I'm literally at breaking point and in desperate need of some advice from anyone who has experienced similar.

If I had it my way I would just turn up at the door and 'talk' to him, however I've tried this before and he called the police to have me escorted off the property. Plus it could impact on my family members case if he does try to take it to court to have her evicted.

I have booked her an appointment with a domestic abuse worker at my local council for next week, but besides that I'm absolutely lost for ways to help her.

Any advice is appreciated, or any ideas of ways to set him up for a fall.

Thanks.

smelly_legend · 4 Jan 2013 at 13:16

wireless spy camera?

edit: I would find it hard to not get caveman on him tbh.

Sleeve · 4 Jan 2013 at 13:17

smelly_legend said:
wireless spy camera?

Thats actually a really good idea!

How do they work and any idea on the recording length?

Sleeve · 4 Jan 2013 at 13:18

smelly_legend said:
wireless spy camera?

edit: I would find it hard to not get caveman on him tbh.

Believe me, I am struggling. the only reason I'm not is because my family member has begged me not to as it will impact negatively on her.

However once this is all over he certainly will be caved, I can guarantee that much.

Gilly · 4 Jan 2013 at 13:19

Taking your post at face value is one thing, but he is in his right to have you escorted from the premises by the police if you try to bully him physically into behaving a different way.

If the situation is so bad and she is a close family member, offer her somewhere to stay whilst things are sorted out. Let him take her to court and surely these things will come out?

olivier renault · 4 Jan 2013 at 13:20

Sleeve88 said:
I have booked her an appointment with a domestic abuse worker at my local council for next week, but besides that I'm absolutely lost for ways to help her.

Any advice is appreciated, or any ideas of ways to set him up for a fall.

Thanks.

Best thing you can do really, get professional help. Psychological abuse is still abuse.

If they can't help you, set Anonymous on him!

Sleeve88 said:
the only reason I'm not is because my family member has begged me not to as it will impact negatively on her.

Really? Do nothing, that's their solution. Grrreat advice.

Sleeve · 4 Jan 2013 at 13:23

Gilly said:
Taking your post at face value is one thing, but he is in his right to have you escorted from the premises by the police if you try to bully him physically into behaving a different way.

If the situation is so bad and she is a close family member, offer her somewhere to stay whilst things are sorted out. Let him take her to court and surely these things will come out?

I have offered her a place to stay however she has lived in that home for 20 years, all her friends and pets are there, she simply doesnt want to leave as its almost the ultimate defeat for her. In honesty I would be the same, why should she be forced out of her own home?

Thanks for the advice all, really appreciated.

booyaka · 4 Jan 2013 at 13:23

Personally you need to keep out of it. Help and support the said person where you can but don't get involved in "trying to catch" him etc.

smelly_legend · 4 Jan 2013 at 13:24

Sleeve88 said:
Thats actually a really good idea!

How do they work and any idea on the recording length?

To be honest I'm not sure. All I can do is recommend checking about the internet and maybe some video reviews.

Sleeve88 said:
Believe me, I am struggling. the only reason I'm not is because my family member has begged me not to as it will impact negatively on her.

However once this is all over he certainly will be caved, I can guarantee that much.

You seem pretty locked on. Hope you get it sort asap.

beamer · 4 Jan 2013 at 13:24

Why has this women not divorced him ?

I wouldn't put up with 2 months of the level of abuse you are talking about, let alone 20 years.

If they have kids together (his behaviour suggests they do have and he is trying to manipulate towards a scenario where he gets custody of them) then staying in such an abusive relationship under some misguided notion that it is better for them is naive at best and potential dangerous at worst.

Tell her to get out now, before he succeeds in ensuring sole custody through getting her to do something which prohibits her having such.

Sleeve · 4 Jan 2013 at 13:24

olivier renault said:
Really? Do nothing, that's their solution. Grrreat advice.

I dont quite understand what you mean?

I know the right thing for me is to stay away as this person has already said if I am to step foot there then he shall call the police and have me arrested for threatening behaviour. If this does go to court then a police report like that will certainly not help her case.

Sleeve · 4 Jan 2013 at 13:26

beamer said:
Why has this women not divorced him ?

I wouldn't put up with 2 months of the level of abuse you are talking about, let alone 20 years.

If they have kids together (his behaviour suggests they do have and he is trying to manipulate towards a scenario where he gets custody of them) then staying in such an abusive relationship under some misguided notion that it is better for them is naive at best and potential dangerous at worst.

Tell her to get out now, before he succeeds in ensuring sole custody through getting her to do something which prohibits her having such.

I have been telling her this for months now. Its really not good for her mental health, she is an absolute wreck currently but doesn't want to be driven from her own home and leave her kids behind with such an abhorrent vile excuse for a human being. Which is understandable.

Gilly · 4 Jan 2013 at 13:26

Sleeve88 said:
I have offered her a place to stay however she has lived in that home for 20 years, all her friends and pets are there, she simply doesnt want to leave as its almost the ultimate defeat for her. In honesty I would be the same, why should she be forced out of her own home?

Thanks for the advice all, really appreciated.

It's been his home too. There comes a time when something has to change.

beamer · 4 Jan 2013 at 13:28

Nothing is stopping her taking the pets to a property in the same area. She wouldn't be leaving her friends forever, only for a couple of months at most. Any friend of any value whatsoever would understand what she is going through and what she has to do in the short term to get things sorted.

Sleeve88 said:
I have offered her a place to stay however she has lived in that home for 20 years, all her friends and pets are there, she simply doesnt want to leave as its almost the ultimate defeat for her. In honesty I would be the same, why should she be forced out of her own home?

Thanks for the advice all, really appreciated.

bushmins · 4 Jan 2013 at 13:29

I would go straight into my boxing stance.

olivier renault · 4 Jan 2013 at 13:29

Sleeve88 said:
I dont quite understand what you mean?

The worse thing you can do is do nothing, and let your family member suffer for it. What is so hard to understand?

I know the right thing for me is to stay away as this person has already said if I am to step foot there then he shall call the police and have me arrested for threatening behaviour. If this does go to court then a police report like that will certainly not help her case.

You don't have to verbally of physically molest him. Just gather evidence, maybe even befriend him in some way, see how this guy works. Hey maybe he is a cheat, then problem solved. I don't know, but I would not stand idly by if that happened to my sister, or my brother (but their marriages and respective families are solid and really not a problem). I just don't like bullies, or manipulative people.

BoonMonkey · 4 Jan 2013 at 13:30

bushmins said:
I would go straight into my boxing stance.

Redz · 4 Jan 2013 at 13:31

bushmins said:
I would go straight into my boxing stance.

But then he'll call the feds.

beamer · 4 Jan 2013 at 13:32

From my extensive experience of divorce amongst friends and family, it is highly unlikely either of them will get to keep the "family home" - the other will force a sale. In the long run, she won't want to live there either - the memories would simply sour any future "relationship" with the house and the relationship with a future partner.

Gilly said:
It's been his home too. There comes a time when something has to change.

Skidder · 4 Jan 2013 at 13:34

bushmins said:
I would go straight into my boxing stance.

I missed the boxing stance thing, what was that about?

Also, this isn't exactly a level playingfield in terms of us lot judging this bloke (who is no doubt a horrible **** but we don't really have the full story)