How To Get Hubby To Pay His Way

SpellowHouse · 5 Feb 2023 at 16:05

Unusual thing there.
My sister is married. Both work full time. She pays ALL the bills. The mortgage, everything. Her hubby flatly refuses to discuss the matter. He refuses a joint account. He won't answer any questions on his income. He is a dark secret financially. Realistically, how does she put pressure on him to stop this nonsense?

Devilman · 5 Feb 2023 at 16:07

SpellowHouse said:
Unusual thing there.
My sister is married. Both work full time. She pays ALL the bills. The mortgage, everything. Her hubby flatly refuses to discuss the matter. He refuses a joint account. He won't answer any questions on his income. He is a dark secret financially. Realistically, how does she put pressure on him to stop this nonsense?

Letterbox.

More seriously though... Divorce.

-Ad- · 5 Feb 2023 at 16:09

Divorce him, she gets 50%.

Multiply by 2 and she knows his worth then.

Whitewater · 5 Feb 2023 at 16:10

Sounds like he doesn't have a job or he's got an OF page/is a drug dealer.

Devilman · 5 Feb 2023 at 16:12

Whitewater said:
Sounds like he doesn't have a job or he's got an OF page/is a drug dealer.

There can be many reasons why people are secretive about their finances. He could also have a crippling level of outstanding debt. He could have a gambling addiction that eats all his money.

But regardless, I do not think it's sensible to be married to someone with such secrets, some day you could easily get lumbered with half their debt.

Webster · 5 Feb 2023 at 16:12

Sounds like the kind of info that you would expect to know before getting married

Chuk_Chuk · 5 Feb 2023 at 16:15

Has he always been like this or is it a recent development?

cjgardens · 5 Feb 2023 at 16:16

That's a strange set-up

the shadow · 5 Feb 2023 at 16:17

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Jae-So · 5 Feb 2023 at 16:20

Wild, she needs to move on

Meddling-Monk · 5 Feb 2023 at 16:29

SpellowHouse said:
Unusual thing there.
My sister is married. Both work full time. She pays ALL the bills. The mortgage, everything. Her hubby flatly refuses to discuss the matter. He refuses a joint account. He won't answer any questions on his income. He is a dark secret financially. Realistically, how does she put pressure on him to stop this nonsense?

OK, so he's a bit of a bum in some sense. But I suppose my question would be, who is doing the asking here? You and the family (concerned for her)? Or her (concerned about her own future)?

Because in some instances, it's really THEIR issue to resolve between themselves. They may even have their own understanding or pact over the matter. In this instance, no matter how much you or the family is right or correct over the matter, it's not really your matter to get involved in.

However, if your sister is the one asking, then as others mentioned above. If she absolutely needs to know, then the above posters mentioned methods should work. In this instance, go wild with ideas, as you've been invited.

But do be sure you were invited into this issue, because if you're just being a "caring and concerned" family member trying to look out for what's best for them in your view, it might not sit well with them.

labbby · 5 Feb 2023 at 16:32

pic of your sister is required before we can give you proper advice.

peterwalkley · 5 Feb 2023 at 16:32

Got to respect the guy for getting away with that

Is he like George Clooney handsome and your sister out of his league or something ????

Seriously though, unless there's children involved, she needs to kick him into touch somehow ... and if he won't budge then divorce would force him to reveal his finances. Both working, both should be paying the bills.

SpellowHouse · 5 Feb 2023 at 16:33

Whitewater said:
Sounds like he doesn't have a job or he's got an OF page/is a drug dealer.

He's a builder and a sole trader.

cjgardens said:
That's a strange set-up

It is. As I keep telling her, she should never have allowed this to go so far as it has.

Jae-So said:
Wild, she needs to move on

Difficult to move on when you are married to someone.

Meddling-Monk said:
OK, so he's a bit of a bum in some sense. But I suppose my question would be, who is doing the asking here? You and the family (concerned for her)? Or her (concerned about her own future)?

Because in some instances, it's really THEIR issue to resolve between themselves. They may even have their own understanding or pact over the matter. In this instance, no matter how much you or the family is right or correct over the matter, it's not really your matter to get involved in.

However, if your sister is the one asking, then as others mentioned above. If she absolutely needs to know, then the above posters mentioned methods should work. In this instance, go wild with ideas, as you've been invited.

But do be sure you were invited into this issue, because if you're just being a "caring and concerned" family member trying to look out for what's best for them in your view, it might not sit well with them.

She is doing the asking. She pays out £1300 a month in bills and he pays nothing. He keeps promising to change things, but the years drag on and nothing changes. She doesn't know how to pressure him to sort this mess out. She needs a practical way to force him to at least tell the truth about the finances.

CapitalOne · 5 Feb 2023 at 16:33

I know it's too late now, but how large a red flag do you need waved in your face?

Or, maybe he's embarassed and can't count?

FloppyPoppy · 5 Feb 2023 at 16:37

This screams addiction and/or crippling debt

throwaway4372 · 5 Feb 2023 at 16:37

Before you live together you discuss finances, you both work so agree to split it, if someone doesn't agree to split then you don't move in together.

As with everything in life - if you wouldn't make the decision to get into the situation today then you shouldn't stay in that situation either.

Efour · 5 Feb 2023 at 16:40

IS he a freeman of the land too?

Id say hes completely on an income tax scam, look up his company records.

Why would you marry someone like this in the first place?

Devilman · 5 Feb 2023 at 16:42

SpellowHouse said:
He's a builder and a sole trader.

Bit sus that he refuses to even discuss let alone divulge his finances. Hope he's not one of those dodgy builders who over-promise and under-deliver, often leaving their "customers" deep out of pocket.

SpellowHouse said:
It is. As I keep telling her, she should never have allowed this to go so far as it has.

Agreed. But that of course does not mean she should expect (or be expected to) continue to put up with it, especially if she is not happy with the situtation.

SpellowHouse said:
Difficult to move on when you are married to someone.

That is not the part that is difficult. Separation and Divorce are easier than ever. The difficult part is if she still loves him, in which case it can be much harder to walk away from.

SpellowHouse said:
She is doing the asking. She pays out £1300 a month in bills and he pays nothing. He keeps promising to change things, but the years drag on and nothing changes. She doesn't know how to pressure him to sort this mess out. She needs a practical way to force him to at least tell the truth about the finances.

If she is doing the asking then it would seem obvious she is not happy with the situation. If he is still refusing to discuss it in any way, I would strongly suggest the means of applying pressure should be to give him an ultimatum. Either he sits down and addresses the issue, or he finds another place to live.

Meddling-Monk · 5 Feb 2023 at 16:42

SpellowHouse said:
He's a builder and a sole trader.

Uh oh. That screams all sorts of wrong already.

SpellowHouse said:
She is doing the asking. She pays out £1300 a month in bills and he pays nothing. He keeps promising to change things, but the years drag on and nothing changes. She doesn't know how to pressure him to sort this mess out. She needs a practical way to force him to at least tell the truth about the finances.

OK, not trying to be a party pooper, but still, has to be said: Assuming she does get a way to force him to tell, but they still refuse to pitch in, what then? This is something your sister should consider; considering they've put up so much already with them. Are they willing to take it further and how far further? Because if not (or not far enough), there's no point trying to force something that won't happen.