How To Get Hubby To Pay His Way

[SpellowHouse]

Unusual thing there.
My sister is married. Both work full time. She pays ALL the bills. The mortgage, everything. Her hubby flatly refuses to discuss the matter. He refuses a joint account. He won't answer any questions on his income. He is a dark secret financially. Realistically, how does she put pressure on him to stop this nonsense?

 

[SpellowHouse]

Sounds like he doesn't have a job or he's got an OF page/is a drug dealer.

He's a builder and a sole trader.

That's a strange set-up

It is. As I keep telling her, she should never have allowed this to go so far as it has.

Wild, she needs to move on

Difficult to move on when you are married to someone.

OK, so he's a bit of a bum in some sense. But I suppose my question would be, who is doing the asking here? You and the family (concerned for her)? Or her (concerned about her own future)?

Because in some instances, it's really THEIR issue to resolve between themselves. They may even have their own understanding or pact over the matter. In this instance, no matter how much you or the family is right or correct over the matter, it's not really your matter to get involved in.

However, if your sister is the one asking, then as others mentioned above. If she absolutely needs to know, then the above posters mentioned methods should work. In this instance, go wild with ideas, as you've been invited.

But do be sure you were invited into this issue, because if you're just being a "caring and concerned" family member trying to look out for what's best for them in your view, it might not sit well with them.

She is doing the asking. She pays out £1300 a month in bills and he pays nothing. He keeps promising to change things, but the years drag on and nothing changes. She doesn't know how to pressure him to sort this mess out. She needs a practical way to force him to at least tell the truth about the finances.

 

[SpellowHouse]

So either she accepts it or divorces him.

If he's absolutely never going to change then what? What does she want to do in that case? Finally realise that it won't change in a few more years and then divorce him anyway?

She should probably go and get some legal advice from a solicitor re: the house etc. might be a bit of a reality check if she gets told that he potentially has an equal share of it despite contributing nothing simply because they are married.

She has already done that and he has few rights to anything. He doesn't contribute at all, and she can prove that. Kinda not the point though, she just wants him to pay his way or at least, if he can't, then explain why he can't.

Probably got a coke addiction if a builder

Do I detect a touch of stereotyping?!

 

[SpellowHouse]

You go back in time and work this stuff out before you get married.

If she wants to send a message then stop paying for things, cancel the sky TV/ Internet, stop buying his food at the supermarket etc

Really though it's time for him to pay up or **** off.

That's actually what I recommended doing. He's never going to change unless she forces him to do so. But she is a daft fool. She lets him get away with it. Problem is that she has always allow men to abuse her. Self esteem issues I suppose.

 

[SpellowHouse]

If it does come to divorce and she can prove he's not contributed to the mortgage and general bills, he won't be entitled to half the house.

Absolutely correct.

 

[SpellowHouse]

R/confidentlyincorrect

Nope. She has already spoken to a solicitor about it. She went in to sort out her will and this of course raised the question of what was hers and what was his. Basically the solicitor said he wouldn't stand any hope of claiming anything on the house if it came to divorce. By not getting his name on things and not paying any bills he has left himself in a very weak situation indeed.

 

[SpellowHouse]

I think the key thing is there. And thus I guess I need to repoint out again; Is she "really" asking you for advice on how to deal with this, and the intention (by her) is "by any means necessary", and "no limit on what she needs to do to make this happen" because she's ready to take action over this? Or is this you (the family) interpreting this as what she wants from you (her family) to do for her and she actually only wanted to vent to someone she can do to instead? And actually has ZERO intention of doing anything?

In some cases, "some" people (like those on how you're describing her), just need to vent, and have absolutely no problems at all really with the poor hand they have been dealt with to play. Because given what you have written there that I have quoted and highlighted, there's a real danger that might be what they're doing, and you might be overstepping through misunderstanding their actual need.

Note, I'm not saying it's not a bad situation to be in, only that as someone (you; the family) who does care for them, and that description of them from you, that you aren't ending up treading on something else in the end (her self esteem) that you might not be able to untread from (and make things a lot worse). Have you talked to her and explained to them that it might be necessary to talk the "ultimate" step to get what she wants, and that means Divorce? Because if she's not down with that, there's nothing more to really say or do at that point.

Your most recent post tells us she's gone to sort her Will out and that she's asked about Divorce and what would be split; that only tells us that she's done this, maybe in hopes in being able to use it as a bargaining chip to get what they want (which may not be actual Divorce). But is she able to take this final step however? Given your description of her?

Again, I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm repeat, just I'm quite aware of how fragile some peoples minds can be, and just want to be sure you're all on the same page before something is done that only sends her into a worse state and spiral that they may not be able to get themselves out of.

She keeps discussing this with me because she is hoping I can come up with some magic bullet to help.

Not a bargaining chip, he went through a little bad patch and it forced her to look in to the situation.

I guess it's the same as any big life problem - if you can't find an answer, it's not that there isn't an answer, its that you're avoiding the only answers that do exist, and I guess that's truth here. She has to really put her foot down over this, and I know full well that she won't.

Surely if the husbands name is on the deeds he’s entitled to half the house regardless of what he has or hasn’t paid?

His name isn't. It's all in her name. All the bills too. He has contributed nothing to repayment of the mortgage or the running of the house.

 

[SpellowHouse]

Absolutely this. Had a solicitor friend who told me that in the event of divorce to always have your name on the bills and to never be the one to walk out, especially if kids are involved.

Her solicitor told her she was being generous giving him any consideration at all, the courts would see it as he deserved nothing.

 

[SpellowHouse]

Yes, and that would be taken into consideration, for example it's not massivley uncommon for partner A to already have the morgage, partner B moves in and simply takes on the utility bills, shopping, hollidays etc.

But partner B would be able to evidence that, which is not the case here.

It happened like that when my dad remarried and then divorced - no children involved and it transpired that not only were no contributions to the household made by her, my dad could also evidence that he'd beein paying for hollidays, her car servicing, new tyres, etc, etc. She got pretty much sod all, and was not very happy about it!

What happened was that he moved in but didn't take on anything. Sis was used to paying for everything so she just sort of avoided the issue until it has now become a real problem. He avoids any sort of coop payments at all. She pays for the holidays, by the way.

 

[SpellowHouse]

@SpellowHouse What was this bad patch you refer to? Arguments?

What does his spending appear to be like? Does he drive a flash car and wear expensive clothes?

When they go out does he buy drinks?

Just trying to build up a better picture of the guy.

I think he was about to leave her. She has a daughter from a previous and to say they don't get on is the understatement of the year. Fortunately the daughter moved out after that episode so things are settled now..... er, if that's a good thing. In fairness to him, my sis' relationship with her daughter is weird. She is far, far too friendly with her.

Yes he does have an expensive car. He recently decided he wasn't using his car enough (he has a work car too) so he sold it, but then gave in and bought an even more expensive one. I believe he paid around £40000 for a second hand porsche. He always claims he gets loans. I don't think sis believes him any more. He is so secretive about money. But the problem is she can't actually force him. This is a sort of abuse really, but like I said before, she has a history of being abused, she just has that sort of personality. She lets the problem go on and on becuase as long as she can pay the bills she sees that as the path of least problems.

 

[SpellowHouse]

She's facilitated the scenario.
Can't believe let a partner move in and not establish finances.

To me this whole scenario sounds just crazy. Just fact someone doesn't want to help should be enough for divorce.

Mind boggling to me this.

I agree. It is beyond comprehension to me. This is why I raised the point to see what people would say. It's just completely nuts. To me it's like ignoring a credit card bill. It's only going to get worse.

 

[SpellowHouse]

Leave?

Hubby sounds like a tool.

He's a really nice guy. Just refuses to be straight with the finances.

But yes, she is a terror for letting problems slide. She needs to sort this because she is not making any long-term financial progress. At this rate she is going to hit retirement age and have absolutely nothing (other than the house of course).

There are times when you have to put your heart aside and make decisions with your brain, but she has always refused to do that. She will dither on the fence for year after year rather than make a decision.

I suppose in a sense it is like dealing with a partner that is a gambler or drinker. You don't want to face the truth, but the sooner you do, the better the outcome.

 

[SpellowHouse]

This is crazy. I feel sorry for your sister. Does she love him or want out of the situation?

She thinks she loves him, which for her is the same thing. I actually don't believe she does, but that's another matter altogether. It is very easy to confuse love and need.

 

[SpellowHouse]

She need to front it up with him - Don't take no for an answer - It needs discussion.

What if she told him she wasn't paying the bills next month - What would he do? She either needs to stand up to him and discuss it like an adult or walk. Doing nothing and expecting things to change is just ridiculous.

Skirting round the issues/trying to be nice about it has long since passed - Front it up, tell him unless he opens up about it, whatever the issues are, then if nothing comes of it - she needs to walk for her own sake.

I agree with you.

 

[SpellowHouse]

Gambling addiction is my best thought. Covering up the fact he has no money each month due to spending his pay on the day he gets paid.

I actually think he is either massively in debt or he is saving in the event they break up. I just can't believe there is no money though. He charges £200+VAT a day for his services. That's one hell of a debt or a lot of saving. But to say you have no money is just plain ridiculous. Although I admit I am not entirely sure I trust his quotations. There are some signs that he is not at all accurate with his quotes and keeps losing out.

 

[SpellowHouse]

Stop being so naive. The dude's a manipulative idiot, get rid.

Well, it's not my job to do that. He's my sisters hubby not mine! I am just describing from another guys perspective. From what my sis says, I agree that there is something very wrong. Personally I think he is just doing what he wants because she is failing to make/force a case against his poor logic. I think he is just behaving like that becuase she has allowed him too. Not her fault, I might add, but there are times that people need to be told when they are wrong and they need to listen. Neither of those things are really happening here.

 

[SpellowHouse]

Wait, what? OP is a bloke?

And uses the word hubby?

Someone stop this planet, I need to get off

My sisters hubby. What's wrong with that?

 

[SpellowHouse]

This is you, isn't it?

Sorry, I am missing your point here. I don't get why it is wrong to call my sisters husband her "hubby".

 

[SpellowHouse]

By default, that makes him a garbage person though.

Honestly, I cannot see a single good reason for withholding financial information like this from your wife, and not contributing a penny towards your household if you are working full time. The whole situation is absurd.

No, this is it, I can't see any reason either.
She recently suggested that they create a joint account for jobs around the house (decorating, new furniture, whatever). They could both access the account and both pay in as they could. He flatly refused, without giving any reason at all.

 

[SpellowHouse]

Hubby is used by women who gossip about their husbands over a glass of prosecco whilst doing their nails with Love Actually on the telly whilst on a sleepover.

There also tends to be a "live, laugh, love" painting on the wall.

Not by blokes who refer to someone else's husband.

Well, I'll just keep on discussing the topic while you concentrate on your dictionary!

It must be regional because I certainly know of plenty of men who refer to a woman's husband as "hubby".