I feel down.

St0rmer66

St0rmer66

St0rmer66

Soldato
Joined
31 Oct 2004
Posts
4,550
Location
Harrogate, North Yorks
I posted this yesterday in another thread...

St0rmer66 said:
Had my ex-girlfriend (we have been on and off since new year) finally tell me why she doesn't want to be in a relationship. She is "protecting herself from getting hurt" by never ever going into a relationship with anyone, ever. She reckons the chance that she MIGHT get hurt isn't worth the risk. Oh sure, that makes sense :rolleyes: . I asked her if she was going to now start living in a bubble so that nobody can ever touch her or her breathe in all the dirty air and make her ill etc? I mean, the world could end tommorrow, what's she gonna do about it? It MIGHT happen afterall :rolleyes: .

It's really peeved me off more than anything, it's just so frustrating. She still has feelings for me, she's told me that numerous times, but she literally said "I am going to ignore my feelings". ARGH! . The thing is, she is so attatched to this idea of hers that any reasonable ideas from me she instantly dismisses without even giving them any thought. I can see her start to think about it, then she just says something like "well it's tough this is how I feel and you're not changing my mind" and throws all her toys out of the pram (oh wait, that was a little 3 year old I saw in the street) because deep down she knows I'm right.

Stupid women. I hate them all right now :( .
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... and now I feel awful today :( .

The reason she thinks she might get hurt is because of what happened with her parents (physical abuse from her real dad, then mental abuse from her stepdad) so now she is just assuming it's going to happen to her.

I don't know what to do with myself. Nothing can keep my concentration and to top it off I have a coursework deadline for tommorrow as well as an essay to finish before tommorrow morning.

No idea what the point of this thread is really, just needed to say it to someone (anyone?) I think. Any comments? :confused: .
 
Move on, it aint worth it. She's got a high probablity of her saying "see you did hurt me after all". She's had a rough up-bringing and i wont advice you to roll with a lady with that kind of mind set.

Look, it will be summer soon and their are loads of ladies about. Like i always say, it aint worth all the hassle just because of one.
 
Von Smallhausen said:
If it's salvagable then it will be so, if not then move on.

It's as easy, difficult, happy or sad as you want it to be. If this is destined to be dead wood in your life, cut it away and move forward.
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No idea if it's salvagable or not. I would like to think so, but I can't be sure.

On your second point, much easier said than done unfortunately. It's all I can bloody think about at the moment! I really do want to just put it behind me and move on, but I just can't seem to make myself do it. I keep trying to tell myself "She's not worth the hassle" etc but really, I do think she's worth it! :o :( .
 
I went out with a girl once who did the same thing, we had only been together a month thought and we had both just come out of 2 year relationships (in which she was hurt). She still isnt with anyone and this is almost a year later!

But move on, be happy :)
 
St0rmer66 said:
No idea if it's salvagable or not. I would like to think so, but I can't be sure.

On your second point, much easier said than done unfortunately. It's all I can bloody think about at the moment! I really do want to just put it behind me and move on, but I just can't seem to make myself do it. I keep trying to tell myself "She's not worth the hassle" etc but really, I do think she's worth it! :o :( .
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It's your life bud and you will do as you will. I speak from experience is all. :)

Start socialising elsewhere and with current and new people. You will be surprised.
 
Von Smallhausen said:
It's your life bud and you will do as you will. I speak from experience is all. :)

Start socialising elsewhere and with current and new people. You will be surprised.
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I know what you're saying makes sense, but it's just so hard to do it!

I see her in sixth form every day, we haven't fallen out over this or anything, still talking etc. The weird thing is, I used to go out all the time with my mates but recently they have all started being really dull and not wanting to go out :confused:. I was trying to arrange something for this weekend and I had to say the same thing at least 3 times to them because they kept changing the subject and they still haven't 100% decided if they're going yet. It's quite depressing really, about 2 months ago I was happy as can be.
 
Old Turkey said:
Isn't this the woman who said she wanted a break from your relationship because she said she had a headache?
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Well that wasn't the whole story, but yes it's the same one. There were other things I couldn't really say about that contributed to that (but if I don't tell you, you're going to think I'm being stupid). To sum it up, her biological father has been in and out of prison several times for beating up her mum and attempted murder (on other people) and once said he was going to kill Kirsty (the girl in question) and her sister. She only found this out a few months ago and then more recently her Dad has been back in contact with her sister.. On top of this, her stepdad (who she thought was her real dad until about the age of 7) used to mentally abuse (controlling etc) her mum and now does it to her (she is actually living with her stepdad). The reason she lives with her stepdad is because her real dad isn't allowed to know where she lives (incase he actually does come and try to hurt her). At 17, she is still getting 'grounded' and not being allowed out for things like "not cleaning the bathroom".

So yeah, she's pretty screwed up.

My mind is telling me "ditch her, she's not worth the hassle", but despite all this she is actually a great person and we get on extremely well with eachother; or in other words: my heart is saying no :( .
 
she just sounds like massive hassle in my opinion and just thinking about herself, very self centered and a selfish person.

people who are drama queens just do my head in

Had my ex-girlfriend (we have been on and off since new year) finally tell me why she doesn't want to be in a relationship. She is "protecting herself from getting hurt"
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Yeah, that makes absolutly great sense..... ditch her
 
Let me be James. By that I mean Blunt.

She's damaged and you're selfish.

Last time I checked a person cannot heal another unless the original person is willing to put in the groundwork.

You're selfish because you think that there are parts of her that you do not approve of, and that it is your job to criticise her for this. She is scared of the world, and probably scared to trust you because she cares about you but scared to let go of her protection because she has been hurt by significant people in her life before.

My advice is to relax. Selah!
 
cleanbluesky said:
Let me be James. By that I mean Blunt.

She's damaged and you're selfish.

Last time I checked a person cannot heal another unless the original person is willing to put in the groundwork.

You're selfish because you think that there are parts of her that you do not approve of, and that it is your job to criticise her for this. She is scared of the world, and probably scared to trust you because she cares about you but scared to let go of her protection because she has been hurt by significant people in her life before.

My advice is to relax. Selah!
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I've had her in my arms in tears telling me about all the stuff with her Dad and I didn't disapprove one bit. She seems to think that I would hate her for it, but I really don't. I look past all the "baggage" and see HER.

I have perhaps been critical of what she's just said, maybe that was a bad thing? But I was trying to help her see how silly it really all is. What can I do to make her not be scared? If she's scared then I can understand why she doesn't want to let go of this "protection", but I just don't know what to do to make her feel like she can let go.
 
Yeah i know what you mean, I had the same problem a year ago, it was a serious head screw, she will just make constant exuses making her not sound bad and try the old self pitty trick to get the bloke going "awww babe". Yeah she probbley is a bit scared, but she will be over exaggerating a lot.

Best bet is to try and avoid her and not talk to her for a couple of weeks (impossible to do that in school), she will come crawling back, and theres a massive chance you will get back together, but theres also a big chance that another "tragedy, self pitty" phase will come, and she will split up again

Its gonna end in a circle, you have to ask yourself if you want to be messed around like this, because thats whats happening
 
I don't think you're stupid at all, friend. I don't think anyone is stupid. However, had I known of her traumatic life I wouldn't have offered my view in your first thread. The stereotype girl who had an abusive father and childhood isn't a pretty one and is an absolutely pain to be around. They have issues, mega issues. It's sad they have gone through what they have, but at the end of the day, I want a happy life. I wouldn't want someone elses major problems to become my own problems.

If the old wives tale is true, she'll end up marrying her father. :(
 
FishThrower said:
Yeah i know what you mean, I had the same problem a year ago, it was a serious head screw, she will just make constant exuses making her not sound bad and try the old self pitty trick to get the bloke going "awww babe". Yeah she probbley is a bit scared, but she will be over exaggerating a lot.

Best bet is to try and avoid her and not talk to her for a couple of weeks (impossible to do that in school), she will come crawling back, and theres a massive chance you will get back together, but theres also a big chance that another "tragedy, self pitty" phase will come, and she will split up again

Its gonna end in a circle, you have to ask yourself if you want to be messed around like this, because thats whats happening
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I've told her I'm not gonna do that anymore. I can already feel myself wanting to go do it again though. I'm gonna make an effort not to. It's half term next week and she's going down to Derby to see her Mum for the week so I won't be seeing her then.

If the self pitty phase came again then I would probably cut all contact completely rather than try and fix it again. If this is just a one-off thing then I do think it's worth fixing. If she was to keep doing this then I would realise and just let go.. I can't stand being messed around on purpose (I don't think she's doing it on purpose at this stage though).
 
St0rmer66 said:
I've had her in my arms in tears telling me about all the stuff with her Dad and I didn't disapprove one bit. She seems to think that I would hate her for it, but I really don't. I look past all the "baggage" and see HER.
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This is good. Remember that you are not emotionally responsible for her in that way - you can be there for her, but she has to heal her insecurities herself. Its a slippery slope...

I have perhaps been critical of what she's just said, maybe that was a bad thing? But I was trying to help her see how silly it really all is. What can I do to make her not be scared? If she's scared then I can understand why she doesn't want to let go of this "protection", but I just don't know what to do to make her feel like she can let go.
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When someone is scared then trying to make them feel silly or think they are being silly wont help.

In situations I've been like this, patience is the order of the day. Constantly re-inforce the idea that what she fears isn't the case (although don't lie to her if you think her fears are real either)... but be patient - you will find simple plain repetition will work a lot better than pulling a face or being sarcastic or getting angry.
You cannot force her to let go. She might let go with the help of someone she trusts.
 
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