I just don't understand powergames...

cleanbluesky

cleanbluesky

cleanbluesky

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Can someone tell me how they operate?

My present understanding:
One person wants the other more than the other wants them, hence that person has control.
My question is, how can the person who desires them more regain control?

Yes, I've been on a course, smoking crack, whatever... just remember that the reason you wish to mock is because you don't have the confidence to ask this for yourself
 
But then the other person is normally insecure hence subjected to the power games, but power games are a result of the first person's insecurity. Vicious circle of insecurity? You betcha.
 
cleanbluesky said:
Can someone tell me how they operate?

My present understanding:
One person wants the other more than the other wants them, hence that person has control.
My question is, how can the person who desires them more regain control?

Yes, I've been on a course, smoking crack, whatever... just remember that the reason you wish to mock is because you don't have the confidence to ask this for yourself
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edit
 
Right, so person A wants person B more than person B wants person A, thus person B has control, and you want to know how person A can regain some of this control.

Right?
 
Can I mock you if I attempt to answer, or is your pre-empting because you are entirely detached from this situation and the real question being asked is how the OcUK public responds?

The party that desires the other more than is returned needs to either not make it known this is the case by trying desperately not to act on it, to simply play the hot and cold game, which is a high risk, silly and immature movement. Or, do the less obvious; the party who desires the other more, needs to directly tell them and let them know that their emotions are on the line and thus forcing a sense of responsibility for their feelings on the person whom is desired if they have an ounce of empathy.

My personal opinion however is that games like this are silly and only result from a lack of communication between the parties either through, like Jonny has said, insecurity, or one party having a controlling attitude both of which are situations that can be solved through forced communication, unfortunately this is normally an argument, or really have no hope of being resolved until the party in question has a life changing event change their attitude. Resolution isn’t always required in the short-term, but it’s probably damaging in the long term. Is that enough for you to psycho-analyse? :p
 
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Well speaking from experience power games take place when one side wants the other considerably more than they are wanted. Acting uninterested and/or unconcerned can level the playing field (since we all know being too full on can be annoying/unattractive the opposite can sometimes work). However if someone doesnt love as much as you love them it aint healthy IMO.
 
Morba said:
become unattainable.
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It would depend what the person would desire more, the power or the person. The OP indicates the obtaining the power is the point of the exercise and thus this would be a solution. But it does make the original context of wanting someone a bit irrelevant. And also if it is still important to you, then this would backfire and you would lose even more power so to speak because you have then put yourself in a place where you will in the end, be unhappy. That doesn't tend to be empowering.
 
cleanbluesky said:
Interesting, that's exactly the phrase my friend used - can you explain it further?
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I'm quite obviously not Morba but if we assume for a second that the desiree is aiming for a relationship with the desired then by putting themselves in a situation where they will become unattainable e.g. relocate, start another relationship (although that raises moral issues about 'using' someone else) or simply associate with different people so that there is no time for the desired then it can shift the balance of power. This relies on a fairly common and natural desire to have what you cannot.

However as with most things in life there is a certain amount of risk here, the desired may not notice or care about the lessening of contact or that the person is now 'unattainable' but then again how much is really lost by that outcome?
 
crystaline said:
It would depend what the person would desire more, the power or the person. The OP indicates the obtaining the power is the point of the exercise and thus this would be a solution. But it does make the original context of wanting someone a bit irrelevant. And also if it is still important to you, then this would backfire and you would lose even more power so to speak because you have then put yourself in a place where you will in the end, be unhappy. That doesn't tend to be empowering.
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Actually, it's because of a few things...

1) I've realised that I have been a manipulative **** in the name of this. And for that I apologise.

2) I've also realised that I can put myself across pretty well in a way that totally destroys any need for powergames BUT that I have reverted back to it which leads me onto my next point...

3) I think that the route to feeding my strength is through self-awareness of the problem but as yet I understand WHY I revert to the bad self BUT not WHY/HOW I am doing the good self. I know it has a lot to do with security in relationships, but I seem to be in bipolar opposites at the moment, I am either on fire or shot down in flames
 
cleanbluesky said:
Interesting, that's exactly the phrase my friend used - can you explain it further?
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the 2 posts that followed your request for more information are very true, however, it is worth noting that for the person who needs (i say need rather than want) the power, they no doubt see the end point rather than the journey, missing out the fact that in the mean time while being unattainable they will potentially be unhappy.

its a gamble, a big gamble. for what you can win, is the potential loss (personal happyness for example) a worthwhile gamble.

for the person who would think of playing this hand in a power game, it clearly is worth the gamble.

a thought on this, would it really be worth being with someone who played this hand? someone who had no intention of enjoying the chase and the relishing in the journey of the relationship (should it happen).
 
btw, is this actually to do with you and your own journey?

one of the good things about you is your ability to analyze things, to think things through and have a thought out answer to each problem/situation/equation that you come across.
however, one of the bad things about you (at this point i am merely guessing as its more about your personal self, which i have no doubt is not like the one we see here on ocuk) is your need to analyze things, you need a thought out answer that has reason behind it, understandable reason at that, which in life, love needs no reason, it needs no understanding, it just needs to be and to be appreciated and for a lot of people recipriocated.
 
Morba said:
a thought on this, would it really be worth being with someone who played this hand? someone who had no intention of enjoying the chase and the relishing in the journey of the relationship (should it happen).
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Probably all in my head. I think there should be no need for powergames, ever.

I see it thusly, in the past I feel that I need a person, but expect that they wont want me in return. Hence I decide to 'manipulate' them with powergames (poorly!) and end up stuffing the relationship down the incinerator.

I have done with with friends and lovers and now see the potential in myself to NOT do this. I am potentially a decent, secure person. I have done this by coming to understand this within myself, by knowing how I am weak, accepting it and promising to work on it.

I still don't fully understand it though.
 
Morba said:
it needs no understanding, it just needs to be and to be appreciated and for a lot of people recipriocated.
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I only analyse where I see a problem or a need for improvement.

Also, learning happens like this...

Unconcious incompetence
Concious incompetence
Concious competence
Unconcious incompetence

So, you're right - the eventual aim is to do this without the need for analysis, but at the moment I am somewhere between stage 2 and 3 in a lot of things

EDIT: And in case anyone wonders why I am being so open about this, its because I am starting to realise that hiding these things is no defence - but being open with yourself and others holds hope. I have tried to defend some things for too long.
 
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