I'm not okay

Soldato
Joined
29 Sep 2011
Posts
6,093
Location
melee island
gonna use this place as a sounding board, I hope that is okay.
Because I'm not okay
I've been having a difficult time recently, I'm just not myself, but let's face it who would be after a massive stroke?
it's been 5 years since the stroke, one may have thought that one would get used to being disabled, but I( still I try to reach out , and do something with my left hand every day, it is so frustrating!
after 5 years of sitting down in a wheelchair, I've finally begun to develope a pressure sore on my coccyx, the skin against the coccyx bone has split, and because I am trying to keep the pressure off that area, the circle around the coccyx has beguun to get sore too, I've got some cream, which is just helping a little, I'm just hoping that it won't get any worse as a proper pressure sore will only heal with long term bed rest in or out of the hospital, and it hurts enough now, so I hate to think what kind of pain a full on pressure sore would bring!
My mental state isn't very good, I used to get weekly councilling in the care home that I was in after the hospital, and again weekly when I got back home from the organisation that I was handed to to help physically, from a physical therapist (PT) and occupational therapy, from an Occupational therapist ( OT), on my very last counculling session with them, the councillor asked me how I do it, how do I cope with being who I am now?
I quickly made up some crap about having to do it for my kids (which I do), but honestly, there is nothing much that I can do except let time wash over me while I feel bad!
I'm currently on two antidepressants, which must be doing some good, because don't always feel as bad as I do right now
I've always tried to keep as good humoured as I can, but I've always been one for sarcasam, but not for bitter sarcasam, the trouble is that I'm trying to keep that at bay, I don't want to be bitter, that's not who I am
the stroke took so much away from me, including the woman I loved, she's found somebody new now, I don't blame her, and I'd like her to be happy, being alone is miserable, I'm miserable.
but I don't want to be bitter about it
it's affecting my writing, even though my last piece of work was a lovely speak aloud poem about a kitten, the one after it, is a bit too morbid, I'll probably work on it more because the premise is sound, here it is:

***
I yearn to return, but of course I cannot,
to a place and a time, maybe best left forgot
there is no time machine,
or a portal, that I can pass through,
so sadly , one way, is all I can do
forward, forward, my time lingers on,
a second closer to death, another minute passed on
another minute away from when I felt truely alive, those hours gone
from when I lay in her bed
in a place where my heart was alive, and not dead
there will never be a way
just the memory of the days that may even be twisted out of lies
where one by one the butterflies died and turned into balls of pain
in my belly and the roof of my chest
in this time I must remain
there is no going backwards, there is no time machine or a portal that I can pass through

so one way, is all I can do
Maybe I hope,
before they lay me to rest
that time, time, it knows best.
***
here is the song version (press the play arrow)

please don't worry about if I'm going to kill myself or anything like that, for me it would be a coward's way out, and trust me, trying to kill oneself with only one arm/hand is really hard, there is no way that I could build up the adreanaline to cut my own throat
I'm playing some good chess atm, I've always been good at chess, and now if I want to, I can play chess all day long on chess.com, trying to hit 400 rating atm, but chess.com uses gliko rating format, and not ELO) I'm easily a 400 rating ELO player,
tomorrow I will attemp to say what I'm having fun with atm (it's more writing)
so, thanks for reading, hope there are not too many commas
have a good day, just try not to take anything for granted, and show the people you love just how much you love them
:)
 
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Really sorry this has happened to you. But at least you've found chess to be helpful. Stay safe.

Unfortunately I haven't played chess since primary school so I wouldn't be a challenge for you. But I assume there are online communities where you can find players?

I doubt you're near me but if you happen to be in the Surrey area I could pop in for a coffee.
 
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Keep going with your hobbies, a guy I know had a stroke and a pacemaker fitted and he still manages to go to work as a brewer.
 
I like the poem.

Not to detract from your disability or the stroke you had, but a lot of people who are physically well/able, think the same as you.

Life is just difficult for many, whatever they do.
 
So sorry to hear what you're going through.
I'm fairly active and well aware I'm getting older. I don't think anyone would want to be around me if I was too broken to do my hobbies. Especially with the depression side.

You're doing well, as you say what you've gone through will test anyone. Life is cruel and unfair and finite.

Glad you feel you can vent here.

Try and keep up with your hobbies. And it's OK to have bad days. And antidepressants I found for me took the lows and the highs away. Sounds like you are finding similar.

Making the best of what you got is all any of us can do. We all end up in same place eventually. Glad you're in no rush to get there.
 
I know some of us have poked fun at your threads and they are entertaining, although this one is certainly a bit different. Glad you can use this forum to rant and get out what you need to.

Read it all and sorry to hear about the struggles and difficulties post stroke, its a humbling read thats for sure. It will certainly take a lot of time to heal and to get used to your new way of living without using your left as such. Anti D's can take the bad out the bad days and the good out the good ones, so keep that in mind.

I've finally begun to develope a pressure sore on my coccyx, the skin against the coccyx bone has split, and because I am trying to keep the pressure off that area, the circle around the coccyx has beguun to get sore too, I've got some cream, which is just helping a little, I'm just hoping that it won't get any worse as a proper pressure sore will only heal with long term bed rest in or out of the hospital, and it hurts enough now, so I hate to think what kind of pain a full on pressure sore would bring!
Sounds like you need an inflatable doughnut, you know the doughnuts you can sit on and take pressure away from an area?

Although it started out concerning, I am glad your post ended with some strength and your own integrity, good on you and keep pushing forward, I know things wont be the same, but got to keep smiling for the kids and the future. Glad you got a good hobby you can keep practising and improving at too. I've not played chess since I was about 15 with my dad, will check out chess.com, who knows, you might see me pop up in a game sometime.
 
Really sorry this has happened to you. But at least you've found chess to be helpful. Stay safe.

Unfortunately I haven't played chess since primary school so I wouldn't be a challenge for you. But I assume there are online communities where you can find players?

I doubt you're near me but if you happen to be in the Surrey area I could pop in for a coffee.
thanks man, it's got to happen to someone ! I'm glad that it was me, and not my mum! looking back though, comparing me to my mates, ofc it was me who would have this type of stroke,
chess.com is full of very active players, don't have to wait long for a game against an equal opponent at all. 10 seconds max.
Tthey do have a forum too, but I'm not very active there
nowhere near surrey here, but if I were, you would be very welcome!
cheers mate. :)
 
thanks man, it's got to happen to someone ! I'm glad that it was me, and not my mum! looking back though, comparing me to my mates, ofc it was me who would have this type of stroke,
chess.com is full of very active players, don't have to wait long for a game against an equal opponent at all. 10 seconds max.
Tthey do have a forum too, but I'm not very active there
nowhere near surrey here, but if I were, you would be very welcome!
cheers mate. :)
Your writing has improved considerably, better than my son's dyslexic partner.;)
 
Sorry to hear this, Look at it this way you have children and others in your situation may not have and would like them. I know no matter what people say it is very difficult to come to terms with a life changing issue.
I am, unsure what you are able and not able to do. But maybe you should get assitance and go swimming once a week this would get you out of ther chair, it may also help you move forward.
Try to push yourself to come back, there have been many stories that people have pushed themselves and managed to walk, maybe you should look into this and research the internet.
As you havent lost any body parts, there still is a possiblity to recuperate and at what level ,I do not know, but it has happend.
BTW, I think most of us on these boards can in a certain way can relate your poem.
But good luck, and go swimming with help of others and engage with the brain
 
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Im sorry to hear you're going through this. I know you dont want to be bitter.
But I think it's understandable that it will affect your writing, and it might be a way to deal with what's happened.
Thanks for sharing your poem, it's excellent!
 
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