Soldato
- Joined
- 29 Sep 2011
- Posts
- 6,146
- Location
- melee island
gonna use this place as a sounding board, I hope that is okay.
Because I'm not okay
I've been having a difficult time recently, I'm just not myself, but let's face it who would be after a massive stroke?
it's been 5 years since the stroke, one may have thought that one would get used to being disabled, but I( still I try to reach out , and do something with my left hand every day, it is so frustrating!
after 5 years of sitting down in a wheelchair, I've finally begun to develope a pressure sore on my coccyx, the skin against the coccyx bone has split, and because I am trying to keep the pressure off that area, the circle around the coccyx has beguun to get sore too, I've got some cream, which is just helping a little, I'm just hoping that it won't get any worse as a proper pressure sore will only heal with long term bed rest in or out of the hospital, and it hurts enough now, so I hate to think what kind of pain a full on pressure sore would bring!
My mental state isn't very good, I used to get weekly councilling in the care home that I was in after the hospital, and again weekly when I got back home from the organisation that I was handed to to help physically, from a physical therapist (PT) and occupational therapy, from an Occupational therapist ( OT), on my very last counculling session with them, the councillor asked me how I do it, how do I cope with being who I am now?
I quickly made up some crap about having to do it for my kids (which I do), but honestly, there is nothing much that I can do except let time wash over me while I feel bad!
I'm currently on two antidepressants, which must be doing some good, because don't always feel as bad as I do right now
I've always tried to keep as good humoured as I can, but I've always been one for sarcasam, but not for bitter sarcasam, the trouble is that I'm trying to keep that at bay, I don't want to be bitter, that's not who I am
the stroke took so much away from me, including the woman I loved, she's found somebody new now, I don't blame her, and I'd like her to be happy, being alone is miserable, I'm miserable.
but I don't want to be bitter about it
it's affecting my writing, even though my last piece of work was a lovely speak aloud poem about a kitten, the one after it, is a bit too morbid, I'll probably work on it more because the premise is sound, here it is:
***
I yearn to return, but of course I cannot,
to a place and a time, maybe best left forgot
there is no time machine,
or a portal, that I can pass through,
so sadly , one way, is all I can do
forward, forward, my time lingers on,
a second closer to death, another minute passed on
another minute away from when I felt truely alive, those hours gone
from when I lay in her bed
in a place where my heart was alive, and not dead
there will never be a way
just the memory of the days that may even be twisted out of lies
where one by one the butterflies died and turned into balls of pain
in my belly and the roof of my chest
in this time I must remain
there is no going backwards, there is no time machine or a portal that I can pass through
so one way, is all I can do
Maybe I hope,
before they lay me to rest
that time, time, it knows best.
***
here is the song version (press the play arrow)
please don't worry about if I'm going to kill myself or anything like that, for me it would be a coward's way out, and trust me, trying to kill oneself with only one arm/hand is really hard, there is no way that I could build up the adreanaline to cut my own throat
I'm playing some good chess atm, I've always been good at chess, and now if I want to, I can play chess all day long on chess.com, trying to hit 400 rating atm, but chess.com uses gliko rating format, and not ELO) I'm easily a 400 rating ELO player,
tomorrow I will attemp to say what I'm having fun with atm (it's more writing)
so, thanks for reading, hope there are not too many commas
have a good day, just try not to take anything for granted, and show the people you love just how much you love them
Because I'm not okay
I've been having a difficult time recently, I'm just not myself, but let's face it who would be after a massive stroke?
it's been 5 years since the stroke, one may have thought that one would get used to being disabled, but I( still I try to reach out , and do something with my left hand every day, it is so frustrating!
after 5 years of sitting down in a wheelchair, I've finally begun to develope a pressure sore on my coccyx, the skin against the coccyx bone has split, and because I am trying to keep the pressure off that area, the circle around the coccyx has beguun to get sore too, I've got some cream, which is just helping a little, I'm just hoping that it won't get any worse as a proper pressure sore will only heal with long term bed rest in or out of the hospital, and it hurts enough now, so I hate to think what kind of pain a full on pressure sore would bring!
My mental state isn't very good, I used to get weekly councilling in the care home that I was in after the hospital, and again weekly when I got back home from the organisation that I was handed to to help physically, from a physical therapist (PT) and occupational therapy, from an Occupational therapist ( OT), on my very last counculling session with them, the councillor asked me how I do it, how do I cope with being who I am now?
I quickly made up some crap about having to do it for my kids (which I do), but honestly, there is nothing much that I can do except let time wash over me while I feel bad!
I'm currently on two antidepressants, which must be doing some good, because don't always feel as bad as I do right now
I've always tried to keep as good humoured as I can, but I've always been one for sarcasam, but not for bitter sarcasam, the trouble is that I'm trying to keep that at bay, I don't want to be bitter, that's not who I am
the stroke took so much away from me, including the woman I loved, she's found somebody new now, I don't blame her, and I'd like her to be happy, being alone is miserable, I'm miserable.
but I don't want to be bitter about it
it's affecting my writing, even though my last piece of work was a lovely speak aloud poem about a kitten, the one after it, is a bit too morbid, I'll probably work on it more because the premise is sound, here it is:
***
I yearn to return, but of course I cannot,
to a place and a time, maybe best left forgot
there is no time machine,
or a portal, that I can pass through,
so sadly , one way, is all I can do
forward, forward, my time lingers on,
a second closer to death, another minute passed on
another minute away from when I felt truely alive, those hours gone
from when I lay in her bed
in a place where my heart was alive, and not dead
there will never be a way
just the memory of the days that may even be twisted out of lies
where one by one the butterflies died and turned into balls of pain
in my belly and the roof of my chest
in this time I must remain
there is no going backwards, there is no time machine or a portal that I can pass through
so one way, is all I can do
Maybe I hope,
before they lay me to rest
that time, time, it knows best.
***
here is the song version (press the play arrow)
please don't worry about if I'm going to kill myself or anything like that, for me it would be a coward's way out, and trust me, trying to kill oneself with only one arm/hand is really hard, there is no way that I could build up the adreanaline to cut my own throat
I'm playing some good chess atm, I've always been good at chess, and now if I want to, I can play chess all day long on chess.com, trying to hit 400 rating atm, but chess.com uses gliko rating format, and not ELO) I'm easily a 400 rating ELO player,
tomorrow I will attemp to say what I'm having fun with atm (it's more writing)
so, thanks for reading, hope there are not too many commas
have a good day, just try not to take anything for granted, and show the people you love just how much you love them
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