In the wrong?

chrislocalboy

chrislocalboy

chrislocalboy

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Joined
21 Feb 2006
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330
Location
Stoke on Trent
Afternoon people

I'm very emotionally confused at the moment, I live happily with my fiancee in our first home which we bought in April of last year. Everything is good apart from the normal tiffs and huffs I imagine 99% of couples do.

I recently started speaking to a female colleague at work (after fixing her computer... its my job!) and exchanging emails etc etc, we got talking and it come out that she fancied me.... although I already knew this months ago as a friend of hers told me and I have to admit I think she is very attractive and if I were not in a relationship would have asked her out a long time ago.... I've told her this and she said the same as she is also in a relationship and its now come to the point that we have both said we would love the oppurtunity to explore these feelings more but obviously we cannot.

Now I cant help but feel like I want something to happen with her.... although I would never ever cheat or go behind the back of my fiancee, this would break every rule I live by as I love her very much...... am I doing wrong here as I kind of feel guilty??

I actually leave the company in another week and feel I will miss this new friend and will have to never speak to her again.... thing is I still want to...... only as friends, I'd simply like to get to know her better but feel I would be doing something wrong if I stayed in touched with her and maybe exchanged the odd text and am worried my fiancee would get the wrong idea.

Any thoughts or people who maybe have experienced a similair thing replying would be great.

Thanks

Chris
 
I wouldnt say my feelings have changed towards her as I lover her very much but we've been together for 2 and a half years now.... things have slowed down as to speak..... but that happens in all relationships......... love is whats left behind when the lust has passed in my opinion, the pysical need has passed but the emotional one remains...... if you know what I mean :confused:

Yoiur right about the tempting fate thing, although I'm a strong person and would disgust myself if I every did anything wrong and because of that am sure I would never cheat...... but I understand what your saying, temptation is a ***** and I've never been in a situation similar so have never been 'tested' as such.
 
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Dreadi said:
Bare in mind this is just my thoughts as how i see it.

your just after a new bout of lust from this new women as you feel its past from you current relationship. Maybe you should forget this women totally as the temptation will be there if you continue seeing her, contacting etc and try to put what you are pursuing into your current relationship.
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Yeah I was thinking something along those lines myself, I reckon the grass WILL NOT be greener but..... its dead weird I wish i kind of had 2 lives to watch so I could see what were to happen. That might sound weird but thats how I feel........ typical really, I was single for best part of 2 years and could not find anyone interested!!!

There like buses, you wait ages for one and then 2 or 3 come along lol!
 
badgermonkey said:
Yes, like I said, if you hold this new person in the same stead as your fiancee, you don't deserve to be with your fiance.

Sorry for bluntness perhaps, but that's my views
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I'm not sure what you mean by holding her in the same stead, I dont.... I hardly know the girl.... she could turn out to be a weirdo or a bunny boiler etc etc but I couldnt say.

To add to my confusion......... this is a little close to home but over Christmas my fiancee basically had a smooch with another guy, who works at the same place as her but does not work near her if you know what I mean. I found this out as I saw a message on her phone after she came home from the party drunk. I went completely nuts, but she was devastated and still to this day if I bring it up cannot explain her actions and cant believe she did it she cant really recall what lead to it and swears on her life there was nothing in it, I wanted to kill this guy naturally and she made a point of sending him a message saying she was drunk, it was a mistake and that I knew etc etc and basically she never wanted to speak to him again and removed the number from her phone etc and that he's lucky she managed to stop me directing my fury at him as basically I wanted to kill him and then let his girlfriend know. I'm still struggling with this in my mind and often it pops into my head and I get all down in the dumps and moody with my fiancee, when it happened I was ready to kick her out and wanted to punish her...... but then realised that maybe she was on some sub-concious level she was seeking attention that maybe she was not and should have been getting from me, I've changed a lot since this incident and am working hard at ironing out the little niggles we have with each other.

Now I'm telling myself that this has nothing to do with the way I'm feeling but I cant help but wonder if it actually is?

Cheers

Oh and Badger, no need to say sorry mate.... its your opinion and I'm thankful you shared it with me
 
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badgermonkey said:
My point therefore is you need to ask youself, why would you consider leaving someone who you are intending to devote your life to, to risk it all on someone you say you hardly know?
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Ahhh get you....... slight mis-communication........ I'm under no circumstances considering leaving my fiancee....... basically boils down to me being confused by everything and perhaps wanting something I know I cannot allow myself to have.
 
badgermonkey said:
In that case I think the question is, do you really love your fiancee enough? As I said, when I was engaged, the thought of getting with other women didn't cross my mind once. Perhaps Im in a minority, but I personally feel that if your relationship seems to be plagued by either her having kissed someone (not the end of the world) or either of you even having the possibility of other people in your mind, you need to do one of a few things.

1. Remember WHY you want to marry her.
2. The "Women's magazine" approach... and "spice things up in the bedroom" or something like that.
3. Ask yourself WHY you have even considered this other person. If it's merely for lust, then refer to the other points above.
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Yeah the trust thing is driving me mad, at the moment (this sounds really controlling but its really not like that) she is banned from going out on nights out on the town, this was partly her decision as she knows that I will be at home pacing up and down driving myself mad worrying what she is up to (which I know will be nothing but cant help worry)........ this trust is going to take a long time to rebuild and were trying to go out together on nights out to remedy this..... but as I said its still having a bit impact on me.

I think I need to sit down with Rachel (my fiancee) and have a talk with her about everything thats gone on and the way I'm feeling and still struggling with whats happened.... and perhaps even telling her about this girl thats interested in me.... get it all off my chest.... as I'm a bit of a swine for bottling eveything up and trying to deal with it alone.

What do you think guys?
 
Rosbif said:
Having friends who fancy you can only be a benefit. Let your woman know you are a highly sought after commodity :p
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See my previous reply, am thinking of mentioning this but I reckon it could make her angry and perhaps stir stuff up?
 
Thanks badger!!

Your advice is sound!!!

Not going to speak to her right now as its going to take me a while to psyche myself up..... I'm very nervous and shy of confrontation and difficult situations but will definately do so at the next 'suitable' occasion, were going out for a few drinks tomorrow afternoon so hopefully will bring it up then.

Thanks again
 
badgermonkey said:
One bit of advice... don't see it as confrontation, it's a serious discussion, and don't be ratarsed when you do it either ;)
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Yeah I know its not a confrontation but I'm just that type of guy and have always found it hard to talk to.... well..... anyone (was never close to my parents or family growing up, which I believe to be the casue of that..... but lets no go into that we'll be here all night!!!!!!)

If I cant do it I might break the ice with a text while at work saying we need to have a chat and then when she replies asking what I will bring up a few of these things and then finish it off when we get home.
 
Rosbif said:
Probably... maybe.. depends... :p She might be the type that gets really scared or the type that goes ultra defensive and demands that you stop seeing her and that you never talk to her. BTW I'd never tolerate someone telling me what to do.

I'm a ruthless ******* so I would definitely mention it, but only in passing. Something like this as I blend a protein shake in the kitchen - 'hey you'll never guess what? Turns out this girl I work with has fancied me since <x> ... isnt that cute?' :D

To be honest I dont see the point of discussing it. If you're clear in your mind that you only want to be her friend then you dont have to go around justifying yourself to anyone.
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Last line was a good one...... cheers mate!
 
Gaygle said:
I think you may see this woman as something that is new and exciting and something different. Sure, she may be the eye candy most guys can dream of, but she's not ** fiancee tbh, which should mean more than eye candy.

You shouldn't feel bad about this, its temptation, maybe a "test" like every guy has, but if you take it any further, thats you making you're decision. Think about her as the hot girl that liked you, but you chose someone else over her.

Honestly, i'd talk to her about the thing with her and this guy she "smooched" with, but don't, please don't mention anything about this girl at work. Everything that you worked for will go tats up because she'll react like any typical woman when compared with another specimen and over react, MAJORLY.

You need to decide whether you'd rather be with ** fiancee (maybe things are getting a bit boring, but that can be easily remedied) or keep pursuing things with this new girl.

I know which i'd choose...
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We've spoke about it lots but when we finish I never seem to feel any better or to have cleared anything up. What bugs me immensly is the fact she genuinely cannot tell me why it happened, apart from the normal factor of being trollied at the time..... she also texted this guy on her way home to say she enjoyed it..... which in my mind is worse than the actual kiss....... I have asked her what she was thinking when she sent this text, did she want someone else, did she want to leave, did she want it to progress further, she swears no to every one of those but cannot explain to me why she did it and what was in her mind......... which is was I hate, I want to know what was running through her mind when she sent the message....... but she says she does not know and I do believe her but it still hurts me massively. Mainly because if I ever kissed someone when I was drunk, all I'd be thinking afterwards was 'oh **** what have I done'

However something was different for her which is was gets to me and is why it annoys me more than the actual kiss...... I'm getting wound up now just thinking about it..... and dont want to go back into the sitting room to her now as I know I'll be moody..... but this is what happens whenever I think about it.

Am I reading to much into this and letting it affect me to much???
 
Gaygle said:
No, i don't think you're reading too much into it. I think that to get closure from something, you need to understand why it happened, and right now you're stuck, with ideas running through your head as to why she did it.

Maybe you should have one last attempt at finding out, just one last time. But after that, you may have to just let it go and let it go down as one of those things which just happens. Is she any different toward you than before this thing happened? If no, i think maybe you just are going to have to get on with life, for the greater good, or this thing could destroy you.

And, for your sake, if you have an argument down the line, do not, NOT, bring this thing up. If you decide to bury this thing, bury it, and don't use it against her when you might feel angry at her.
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yeah your right, closure is what I'm after, problem is every time I get moody about it she asks me whats up and I tell her she says something like 'Oh I thought we'd sorted this out already' she doesnt seem to understand how difficult this is now matter how minor an incident she or anyone may believe it to be, what matters is that its messing with my head and I need to sort it out.
 
:D
atpbx said:
Imagine how the heusband of the woman who has just left me feels.
He knows she loves me.
I know she loves me.
She knows she loves me.
He also knows everthing we have been up to for 8 months EVERYTHING.
He knows she is back in the house purely so the kids have mum and dad toghether and she is still going to be seeing me.
And rahter than be a man and say no and let her go he's taken her back with open arms "anything so i can still be with you".
You arnt dude, you never will, be.
I've still got her knickers here from this morning top prove it.
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I've read this about 10 times and it still does not make sense!!!!

Is this just a random post or does it have some meaning that I'm to much of a muppet to pick up on
 
benktlottie said:
I've been reading your replies and I get the impression youre a nice chap. Stick with what you know mate. If you are gonna see the other wonam then just make sure your partner doesnt find out. I can tell that even just posting this thread, youre not convinced 'doing' the other woman is a good idea and I suspect youre dead committed to your partner. Youre just toying with the idea of cheating, and the flattery of the other woman telling you she will 'do ya' is only adding to your confused state. Flirting is cool, and allowed in the partners eyes (after all, I bet she flirts when she has to!) so best stick to that I thinks! :)
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Thanks mate, nah I dont want to cheat and dont think I ever could but I'm just a bit messed up at the moment........ its all lust I think and a few other things which have been hit on by some of the other guys who have replied tonight.

Thanks fellas!!!
 
benktlottie said:
Regarding her smooch, its not the end of the world. If she'd done anything else, I'd say leave her, but a snogs a snog. No big deal. Save it for in the future as a 'get out of jail' card if you ever snog/touch/nail someone in the future ! LOL
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PMSL :D

On a serious note, I nearly left her even from a kiss.......... trust me if it would have gone further I'd have the house to myself now and probably would have the girl from work here with me ;)

But thank god it didnt........... and to be honest I dont think she ever would, I trust her with that even after she kissed someone.
 
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