In the wrong?

In that case, forget this over women and focus on you fiancee. You obviously need to address some issues with her be it a loss of passion, the seemingly lack of trust you now have with her or antyhing else. If you cant sort this out then maybe you would be better of looking else where but i wouldnt just leave it alone and carry on cus it wont do you any good, nor would i advice just dumping it being single again without address your current problems
 
chrislocalboy said:
Ahhh get you....... slight mis-communication........ I'm under no circumstances considering leaving my fiancee....... basically boils down to me being confused by everything and perhaps wanting something I know I cannot allow myself to have.
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In that case I think the question is, do you really love your fiancee enough? As I said, when I was engaged, the thought of getting with other women didn't cross my mind once. Perhaps Im in a minority, but I personally feel that if your relationship seems to be plagued by either her having kissed someone (not the end of the world) or either of you even having the possibility of other people in your mind, you need to do one of a few things.

1. Remember WHY you want to marry her.
2. The "Women's magazine" approach... and "spice things up in the bedroom" or something like that.
3. Ask yourself WHY you have even considered this other person. If it's merely for lust, then refer to the other points above.
 
badgermonkey said:
In that case I think the question is, do you really love your fiancee enough? As I said, when I was engaged, the thought of getting with other women didn't cross my mind once. Perhaps Im in a minority, but I personally feel that if your relationship seems to be plagued by either her having kissed someone (not the end of the world) or either of you even having the possibility of other people in your mind, you need to do one of a few things.

1. Remember WHY you want to marry her.
2. The "Women's magazine" approach... and "spice things up in the bedroom" or something like that.
3. Ask yourself WHY you have even considered this other person. If it's merely for lust, then refer to the other points above.
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Yeah the trust thing is driving me mad, at the moment (this sounds really controlling but its really not like that) she is banned from going out on nights out on the town, this was partly her decision as she knows that I will be at home pacing up and down driving myself mad worrying what she is up to (which I know will be nothing but cant help worry)........ this trust is going to take a long time to rebuild and were trying to go out together on nights out to remedy this..... but as I said its still having a bit impact on me.

I think I need to sit down with Rachel (my fiancee) and have a talk with her about everything thats gone on and the way I'm feeling and still struggling with whats happened.... and perhaps even telling her about this girl thats interested in me.... get it all off my chest.... as I'm a bit of a swine for bottling eveything up and trying to deal with it alone.

What do you think guys?
 
Rosbif said:
Having friends who fancy you can only be a benefit. Let your woman know you are a highly sought after commodity :p
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See my previous reply, am thinking of mentioning this but I reckon it could make her angry and perhaps stir stuff up?
 
Tbh, I agree, and is the advice you really need, you need to TALK with your fiancee about all of this. Every bit, without lying. You cannot base a relationship on anything that involves you needing to "ban" her from doing things, nor can you have a marriage if you cannot trust each other enough to talk to each other about every aspect of your life. I'm not saying it's actually neccessary to talk about everything, but if you don't feel comfortable doing so then it's not a relationship that's likely to last.


So tbh, you need to turn off your computer right now, while this is still on your mind, sit down with her and talk through it all. The whole situation.
 
Thanks badger!!

Your advice is sound!!!

Not going to speak to her right now as its going to take me a while to psyche myself up..... I'm very nervous and shy of confrontation and difficult situations but will definately do so at the next 'suitable' occasion, were going out for a few drinks tomorrow afternoon so hopefully will bring it up then.

Thanks again
 
chrislocalboy said:
Thanks badger!!

Your advice is sound!!!

Not going to speak to her right now as its going to take me a while to psyche myself up..... I'm very nervous and shy of confrontation and difficult situations but will definately do so at the next 'suitable' occasion, were going out for a few drinks tomorrow afternoon so hopefully will bring it up then.

Thanks again
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One bit of advice... don't see it as confrontation, it's a serious discussion, and don't be ratarsed when you do it either ;)
 
chrislocalboy said:
See my previous reply, am thinking of mentioning this but I reckon it could make her angry and perhaps stir stuff up?
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Probably... maybe.. depends... :p She might be the type that gets really scared or the type that goes ultra defensive and demands that you stop seeing her and that you never talk to her. BTW I'd never tolerate someone telling me what to do.

I'm a ruthless ******* so I would definitely mention it, but only in passing. Something like this as I blend a protein shake in the kitchen - 'hey you'll never guess what? Turns out this girl I work with has fancied me since <x> ... isnt that cute?' :D

To be honest I dont see the point of discussing it. If you're clear in your mind that you only want to be her friend then you dont have to go around justifying yourself to anyone.
 
Depends.
Depends if you feel you connect with this girl more than your fiancee.
when i say Connect i mean, ease at which you can talk and laugh, whether you can talk about anything and everything etc etc.
I would leave her as a special friend untill you are SURE about how you feel.
Dont do anything if you are not 100% sure of your convictions.
 
badgermonkey said:
One bit of advice... don't see it as confrontation, it's a serious discussion, and don't be ratarsed when you do it either ;)
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Yeah I know its not a confrontation but I'm just that type of guy and have always found it hard to talk to.... well..... anyone (was never close to my parents or family growing up, which I believe to be the casue of that..... but lets no go into that we'll be here all night!!!!!!)

If I cant do it I might break the ice with a text while at work saying we need to have a chat and then when she replies asking what I will bring up a few of these things and then finish it off when we get home.
 
Rosbif said:
Probably... maybe.. depends... :p She might be the type that gets really scared or the type that goes ultra defensive and demands that you stop seeing her and that you never talk to her. BTW I'd never tolerate someone telling me what to do.

I'm a ruthless ******* so I would definitely mention it, but only in passing. Something like this as I blend a protein shake in the kitchen - 'hey you'll never guess what? Turns out this girl I work with has fancied me since <x> ... isnt that cute?' :D

To be honest I dont see the point of discussing it. If you're clear in your mind that you only want to be her friend then you dont have to go around justifying yourself to anyone.
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Last line was a good one...... cheers mate!
 
I think you may see this woman as something that is new and exciting and something different. Sure, she may be the eye candy most guys can dream of, but she's not ** fiancee tbh, which should mean more than eye candy.

You shouldn't feel bad about this, its temptation, maybe a "test" like every guy has, but if you take it any further, thats you making you're decision. Think about her as the hot girl that liked you, but you chose someone else over her.

Honestly, i'd talk to her about the thing with her and this guy she "smooched" with, but don't, please don't mention anything about this girl at work. Everything that you worked for will go tats up because she'll react like any typical woman when compared with another specimen and over react, MAJORLY.

You need to decide whether you'd rather be with ** fiancee (maybe things are getting a bit boring, but that can be easily remedied) or keep pursuing things with this new girl.

I know which i'd choose...
 
Gaygle said:
I think you may see this woman as something that is new and exciting and something different. Sure, she may be the eye candy most guys can dream of, but she's not ** fiancee tbh, which should mean more than eye candy.

You shouldn't feel bad about this, its temptation, maybe a "test" like every guy has, but if you take it any further, thats you making you're decision. Think about her as the hot girl that liked you, but you chose someone else over her.

Honestly, i'd talk to her about the thing with her and this guy she "smooched" with, but don't, please don't mention anything about this girl at work. Everything that you worked for will go tats up because she'll react like any typical woman when compared with another specimen and over react, MAJORLY.

You need to decide whether you'd rather be with ** fiancee (maybe things are getting a bit boring, but that can be easily remedied) or keep pursuing things with this new girl.

I know which i'd choose...
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We've spoke about it lots but when we finish I never seem to feel any better or to have cleared anything up. What bugs me immensly is the fact she genuinely cannot tell me why it happened, apart from the normal factor of being trollied at the time..... she also texted this guy on her way home to say she enjoyed it..... which in my mind is worse than the actual kiss....... I have asked her what she was thinking when she sent this text, did she want someone else, did she want to leave, did she want it to progress further, she swears no to every one of those but cannot explain to me why she did it and what was in her mind......... which is was I hate, I want to know what was running through her mind when she sent the message....... but she says she does not know and I do believe her but it still hurts me massively. Mainly because if I ever kissed someone when I was drunk, all I'd be thinking afterwards was 'oh **** what have I done'

However something was different for her which is was gets to me and is why it annoys me more than the actual kiss...... I'm getting wound up now just thinking about it..... and dont want to go back into the sitting room to her now as I know I'll be moody..... but this is what happens whenever I think about it.

Am I reading to much into this and letting it affect me to much???
 
No, i don't think you're reading too much into it. I think that to get closure from something, you need to understand why it happened, and right now you're stuck, with ideas running through your head as to why she did it.

Maybe you should have one last attempt at finding out, just one last time. But after that, you may have to just let it go and let it go down as one of those things which just happens. Is she any different toward you than before this thing happened? If no, i think maybe you just are going to have to get on with life, for the greater good, or this thing could destroy you.

And, for your sake, if you have an argument down the line, do not, NOT, bring this thing up. If you decide to bury this thing, bury it, and don't use it against her when you might feel angry at her.
 
Gaygle said:
No, i don't think you're reading too much into it. I think that to get closure from something, you need to understand why it happened, and right now you're stuck, with ideas running through your head as to why she did it.

Maybe you should have one last attempt at finding out, just one last time. But after that, you may have to just let it go and let it go down as one of those things which just happens. Is she any different toward you than before this thing happened? If no, i think maybe you just are going to have to get on with life, for the greater good, or this thing could destroy you.

And, for your sake, if you have an argument down the line, do not, NOT, bring this thing up. If you decide to bury this thing, bury it, and don't use it against her when you might feel angry at her.
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yeah your right, closure is what I'm after, problem is every time I get moody about it she asks me whats up and I tell her she says something like 'Oh I thought we'd sorted this out already' she doesnt seem to understand how difficult this is now matter how minor an incident she or anyone may believe it to be, what matters is that its messing with my head and I need to sort it out.
 
chrislocalboy said:
yeah your right, closure is what I'm after, problem is every time I get moody about it she asks me whats up and I tell her she says something like 'Oh I thought we'd sorted this out already' she doesnt seem to understand how difficult this is now matter how minor an incident she or anyone may believe it to be, what matters is that its messing with my head and I need to sort it out.
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She's just wanting to bury her head in the sand about it. She's possibly ashamed about what she'd done, and just wanting to forget about it. It is very hard to try and get over something like this but if you can and everything goes back to being alright, surely it's worth it.
 
chrislocalboy said:
yeah your right, closure is what I'm after, problem is every time I get moody about it she asks me whats up and I tell her she says something like 'Oh I thought we'd sorted this out already' she doesnt seem to understand how difficult this is now matter how minor an incident she or anyone may believe it to be, what matters is that its messing with my head and I need to sort it out.
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Imagine how the heusband of the woman who has just left me feels.
He knows she loves me.
I know she loves me.
She knows she loves me.
He also knows everthing we have been up to for 8 months EVERYTHING.
He knows she is back in the house purely so the kids have mum and dad toghether and she is still going to be seeing me.
And rahter than be a man and say no and let her go he's taken her back with open arms "anything so i can still be with you".
You arnt dude, you never will, be.
I've still got her knickers here from this morning top prove it.
 
:D
atpbx said:
Imagine how the heusband of the woman who has just left me feels.
He knows she loves me.
I know she loves me.
She knows she loves me.
He also knows everthing we have been up to for 8 months EVERYTHING.
He knows she is back in the house purely so the kids have mum and dad toghether and she is still going to be seeing me.
And rahter than be a man and say no and let her go he's taken her back with open arms "anything so i can still be with you".
You arnt dude, you never will, be.
I've still got her knickers here from this morning top prove it.
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I've read this about 10 times and it still does not make sense!!!!

Is this just a random post or does it have some meaning that I'm to much of a muppet to pick up on
 
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