Issue with the gf (advice needed)

Tweek_1984 · 15 Nov 2006 at 04:33

My girlfriend (who lives in n.america) spent her gap year in s.america where she met her ex.boyfriend. She had the time of her life there but they did not leave on good terms. He cheated on her numerous times aswell as starting her smoking and god knows what else.

It just so happens that now they go to the same university. (He probably persuaded her to go while they were in s.america but subsequently split up).

Anyways, an old friend is visiting from s.america and this particular guy was great friends with both my gf and her ex. He wants them all to get together and have dinner.
My girlfriend told him about the situation with her ex and how they now stand, but the guy insisted that he wants to see them both and that he would be offended if they didnt meet up with him.

Now step-in me. I'm due to spend christmas with my girlfriend and I fly over there in a month. This little meeting with her s.american friend and her ex. is due to take place in about 3 weeks time.

The first time my gf asked me about this I just changed the subject but was pretty upset about the situation. I asked her if she could just re-schedule a time she could catch up with her friend from s.america.

Well, tonight she brought it up again and I explained that, I'm not trying to be possesive and I'm not trying to be paranoid but I dont want her to have contact with her ex. boyfriend. Also,I'm not going to deny the past but she needs to forget about her ex.
She said that part of her wants to go just to brag to her ex about me and how everything he did to her has made her a better person. (This worries me, as it tells me she still must have feelings about this guy). But she's also worried because she doesnt want the stress because she has a lot of work around that time.
Our conversation was cut short when her phone ran out of batteries. We said we'd talk about it tomorrow.

I need to her not to have this reunion with her ex. If she goes then it will speak volumes to me and I'd be seriously concerned that it might strike up feelings between her and her ex and/or inexplicably show me that I'm some sort of rebound boyfriend. I don't want to tell her this though incase she gets upset with me.

I'm unsure how to approach this guys. I don't want to have the attitude that she can go and do what she likes and I dont care, because I imagine if that was the case then she would definately end up going to this meeting. But on the other hand, I dont want to seem too jealous, possessive or paranoid.

I keep on asking her to explain the situation to her friend from s.america so that they can meet seperately, but I believe this guy doesnt have much time in the city when he comes.

How do I play this, guys?

James_N · 15 Nov 2006 at 04:51

Whilst im not sure about the immediate situation, thats one hell of a long distance relationship isnt it? How do you work that?

MasterMike · 15 Nov 2006 at 04:53

You get over it and trust her.

Tweek_1984 · 15 Nov 2006 at 05:05

James_N said:
Whilst im not sure about the immediate situation, thats one hell of a long distance relationship isnt it? How do you work that?

I met her when I was on exchage over there. Then she came over here during summer, now Im going back over there with plans to study over there again next year.

MasterMike said:
Get over it and trust her

I can do this, but its whether it would be the right choice. I've had a bunch of people warn me about this situation. Alcohol+old flames can equal a situation that may jepordise our relationship. Even if nothing happens, she'll be going on about him for the next year because they'll be at each others necks if they meet.

I don't want her to get upset, because she will if they do meet.

Morlan · 15 Nov 2006 at 05:26

I'd just be honest and tell her everything you told us.

Hellsmk2 · 15 Nov 2006 at 08:14

Let her go. Simple as.

If she cheats she cheats and if not, then not. You can't keep a leesh on her.

KaHn · 15 Nov 2006 at 08:17

MasterMike said:
You get over it and trust her.

Slinwagh · 15 Nov 2006 at 08:20

Well reading your post I couldn't help notice a lot of "I want, I need, she should" references.

You say you trust her but if you did deep down then would you have posted this?

As for the long distance thing I always thought of it in terms of in the same country at least not on seperate continents.........

gjrc · 15 Nov 2006 at 08:21

long distance realtionships are a nightmare...

the problem is you cant stop her seeing her ex. let it happen, if things go wrong for you then it wasnt meant to be. you move on.

good luck with it all.

[TW]Fox · 15 Nov 2006 at 08:23

The distance is far too far for this to be a practical relationship, IMHO, and this will reflect in the actions of one of you before too long

daveyj27 · 15 Nov 2006 at 08:29

James_N said:
thats one hell of a long distance relationship isnt it? How do you work that?

With a lot of trust, faith, patience and communication.

I met my wife in 1999 while she was on a study-abroad program over here, we were together for five months before she had to go back to Boston. We then had the whole long-distance thing until we married in Sept. 2001, we've lived in London since then but are now looking to move over to the U.S.

LD relationships are HARD, but they can work.

OP,
With the greatest of respect to you, your girlfriend seems to be playing it very honest and open with you, when she could have quite easily chosen to keep you in the dark. I think that "speaks volumes" right there, and maybe you should let yourself trust her.

Podfather · 15 Nov 2006 at 09:57

The best thing you can do is to just trust her. Relationships are broken because of lack of trust.

valve90210 · 15 Nov 2006 at 10:08

Morlan said:
I'd just be honest and tell her everything you told us.

Yep, that'd be my advice too, honesty and openness are very important in any relationship, if you have strong feelings about something, let her know how you are feeling and your fears etc etc. If she feels as much for you as you obviously do her, she will appreciate your honesty.

Valve

Raumarik · 15 Nov 2006 at 10:28

I was in a similar situation a few weeks ago mate, it's NOT EASY! Although I am fairly possessive I keep those feelings very much under control as my logical side kicks in and tells me "well if she does cheat then her **** is out the door."

She's well aware I'd never forgive her, just as I'd never expect her to forgive me if I did it.

My girlfriend went to the 30th birthday party of one of her old male friends, not an ex but I know at least one ex would be there. she asked me to go with her but to be honest I didnt' fancy it and saw it as a way of testing our relationship. Perhaps you should see it like this also, have a heart to heart with her, ask her how she'd feel if the situation was reversed but tell her that you DO trust her.

I didn't tell my girlfriend that, I just said I'd miss seeing her that weekend and had a few mates around on the saturday for a lads night, it were ace!

this situation isn't necessarily a bad thing, it could well strengthen your relationship which is vital in such a long distance one. If I were you I'd say you were worried, but only because you love her and although you trust her it doesn't mean you have to trust her ex but ultimately if she doesn't want to, she won't and if she loves you mate, then she won't hurt you and you have nothing to worry about.

nero120 · 15 Nov 2006 at 10:44

If I were you Id just say to her "I'm not going to tell you what to do, but only to consider my feelings. Imagine if the roles were reversed, how would you feel?".

Thats all that needs to be said. If she screws around, dump her faster than you can say "uncle sam"!

a1ex2001 · 15 Nov 2006 at 11:21

Tweek_1984 said:
But on the other hand, I dont want to seem too jealous, possessive or paranoid.

Then stop being all three! If you trust her she can go if you don't trust her you have no future together period.

Are you the same guy that was trying to get his Girlfriend to give up smoking? If so I'm thinking your in the wrong relationship, to much distance no trust and you want to change her. Going nowhere if you ask me.

hardkore · 15 Nov 2006 at 11:25

Ditch her now mate.

Spacky · 15 Nov 2006 at 11:29

a1ex2001 said:
Then stop being all three! If you trust her she can go if you don't trust her you have no future together period.

Are you the same guy that was trying to get his Girlfriend to give up smoking? If so I'm thinking your in the wrong relationship, to much distance no trust and you want to change her. Going nowhere if you ask me.

It scares me how we remember things about people here

.:MBK:. · 15 Nov 2006 at 11:34

sounds like you have very little trust for her. take the gamble, see if she abuses your trust or not. if she does, then she shouldnt be in your life anyway

00bob00 · 15 Nov 2006 at 12:01

it wasn't too long ago you posted about needing your girlfriend to quit smoking and now you want us to help you make her stop seeing people too!

I think the long distance really is getting to you, you're becoming paranoid about things like i was - granted when i split up with my girlfriend, i was right - she was cheating with someone else - DIDN'T MAKE ME FEEL BETTER EITHER WAY.

ah, good times.

just leave it be and let her go see this guy, it may work out in your favour.