Joke thread attempt!

If I can make an attempt to rescue the thread with:

Since I was made redundant I have been helping out around the home as my wife suggested to see how hard it is. So far I have become first class at getting the kids dressed, making meals, washing up, cleaning, ironing and tidying.

But in the evening on the sofa, I just can't get the hang of starting off a tedious conversation at the exact same time as Top Gear or a game of football starts on TV. :D
 
Sonea Fifer said:
If I can make an attempt to rescue the thread with:

Since I was made redundant I have been helping out around the home as my wife suggested to see how hard it is. So far I have become first class at getting the kids dressed, making meals, washing up, cleaning, ironing and tidying.

But in the evening on the sofa, I just can't get the hang of starting off a tedious conversation at the exact same time as Top Gear or a game of football starts on TV. :D
Click to expand...

This thread might as well be binned to avoid any more casualties :o
 
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"
 
danza said:
I'm somewhat temtped to adapt that slightly and append it to the 'Terms Of Employment' staff handbook, and hand it to the new apprentice starting at my company in a couple of weeks. :D
Click to expand...

Do this. Detail their reactions. Pictures + video if possible. Post on OCUK.

????

PROFIT!
 
Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. "Who the hell are you?", demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my bedroom ?"

The mysterious man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St. Peter."

Dave was stunned. "You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for; and I haven't said goodbye to my family... You've got to send me back straight away."

St. Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad", replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."

"You're ovulating", explained the rooster "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."

"Never", replies Dave.

"Well just relax and let it happen".

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...

"Dave, wake up, you drunken *******. You've crapped the bed!!!"
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom