**Joke thread** - Merged

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy".
Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
“Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.
He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement and falls flat on his face.

"Bi'J.sus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin'way".

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed”. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"
Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' ******. But how'd you know?"
"Mick phoned . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."
 
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, Father, I havea problem
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing
What do they say? the priest inquired
They say, Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?

" How shocking! the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment"

"You know, I may have a solution to your problem
I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and
read the Bible"

"Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and George, My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time

"Thank you", the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution"

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and
placed the female parrots in the cage

Immediately, the female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed
"Put the beads away Frank, our prayers have been answered!"
 
A mate of mine has recently been banned from the B&Q in Meir.
He did a silly thing though.
He went on his pushbike to buy a Black & Decker Mouse and in front of two staff members he tried the box in his rucksack but it wouldn't fit.
This meant he would have to return in his car.
On his way out security stopped him, he explained but they were having none even though he hadn't knicked anything.
Lifetime ban and now he feels like decking them.
 
dmpoole said:
A mate of mine has recently been banned from the B&Q in Meir.
He did a silly thing though.
He went on his pushbike to buy a Black & Decker Mouse and in front of two staff members he tried the box in his rucksack but it wouldn't fit.
This meant he would have to return in his car.
On his way out security stopped him, he explained but they were having none even though he hadn't knicked anything.
Lifetime ban and now he feels like decking them.
Click to expand...


that would be one of them moments where the audience just goes silent and you hear a few coughs.
 
dmpoole said:
A mate of mine has recently been banned from the B&Q in Meir.
He did a silly thing though.
He went on his pushbike to buy a Black & Decker Mouse and in front of two staff members he tried the box in his rucksack but it wouldn't fit.
This meant he would have to return in his car.
On his way out security stopped him, he explained but they were having none even though he hadn't knicked anything.
Lifetime ban and now he feels like decking them.
Click to expand...

Am I the only one who's face is like :confused:.
 
Serj said:
Mate i think he was just asking you if you wanted some WOODEN decking! Not an actual physical decking! A bit of a misunderstanding i think!
Click to expand...
If that wasn't sarcasm then the irony is burning.

(ps I know it's sarcasm :( )
 
A man goes for a job interview at a blacksmith's. Blacksmith asks him, "Have you any experience of shoeing horses?" "No, But I once told a donkey to **** off."!

:o
 
tomanders91 said:
once again, i just got a text from someone called 'true scotsman' from glasgow who wants to kiss me... :confused: :confused:

He said hes a big hairy scottish man, are you hairy?


Oh.. btw keep your jokes in the same thread! lol
Click to expand...



he may even let you toss his caber :D
 
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