- Joined
- 3 May 2004
- Posts
- 17,718
- Location
- Kapitalist Republik of Surrey
I've always taken great joy in the way people shake hands as I believe it can say quite a lot about the other person. I've made up a list of a few types of handshake I've encountered and/or suffered over the years. Have fun reading 
Bone Cruncher:
Everyone has had this one, it's not limited to strong blokes with big hands, you go to shake hands and the returning squeeze is like an engineer's vice crunching the bones in your hand. The single BIGGEST mistake is to release the pressure before the other person does because as soon as your hand goes soft it literally collapses under the pressure.
Wet Fish:
Usually on skinny hands, it is an outstretched flat hand which doesn't respond to the shake when contact is made. Normally slightly cold and damp to the touch.
Squidge:
Usually quite a chubby hand. Take a washing up glove and fill it with warm gravy. Tie the end so the gravy doesn't squirt out and now give it a squeeze as if you were shaking it. It's like a hand with no bones in it.
Bunch of Bananas:
Ah the giant hand. Can be quite uncomfortable to handshake as it's so big it's not negotiable without approaching slowly. Normally it's an unripe bunch of bananas too as it's rock hard, almost like shaking hands with the statue of David. However, the person on the other end is normally of generous proportions but the shake is generous and pressure not extreme.
Shaker:
A very keen handshake, it runs in real fast, grabs your hand and pumps up and down furiously. The first pump down can normally be recognised by a squelch as the shoulder comes semi out of joint before the recipient can tense up sufficiently to counter the action.
"The Bicep"
This guy may as well have no elbow joint. The arm comes in pivoting from the shoulder with a 90 degree bend in the elbow and doesn't deviate from this path. It's like a towing hitch and no manner of pumping up and down, back or forth can make it move. The hand and arm simply return any pressure that is applied. The only handshake that can beat "The Bicep" is a Bone Cruncher and only in one instance: If "The Bicep" releases too early by mistake it is doomed.
The Camper:
Four fingers are offered limply with the wrist bent upwards and the thumb is applied to the bottom of the handshake. Very light pressure is applied top and bottom making the recipient glance nervously left and right until the damn ordeal is over. Come one guys, it's not an acceptable handshake, sort it out!
The Uncomfortable One:
Everybody gets this themselves every now and then. One misjudges the handshake and the other party grabs fingers, thumbs, somewhere round the palm etc. Normally tactically countered by squeezing too hard in the wrong place so the whole handshake is demolished in a manly fashion as if to say "WE GOT THAT WRONG, I DON'T NORMALLY SHAKE HANDS LIKE THAT." So as the other party doesn't 'get the wrong idea' of course.
The Powershake:
A preformed hand deliberately begins a journey from the shoulder and arrives, back of the hand facing upwards with the elbow higher than the hand. The hand is shaped as if it were previously holding a McDonalds Big Mac and forces the recipient to offer a submissive upturned hand. The only way to counter this sort of shake is to reply with your own Powershake and battle it out, knuckles up, there and then.
Mates forever:
Interlocking thumbs, a bit like an arm wrestle but without a table and standing up. It looks plain ridiculous but some people insist on it
"I'm the Boss"
And finally the old goldie from the man who likes to take charge. A fairly well practiced and professional-feeling shake takes place but an unexpected left hand appears on the end of your elbow and applies pressure. What? Get off me dammnit. The counter to this "I'm the Boss" shake, which aims to take alpha male position, is after the shake with a firm slap on the back of the arm of the other party. Liken it to a light shove. Particularly effective in important business meetings in crippling your opponent into his real position. In your office, not his.
Feel free to add to this list and any comedy stories that go with them
Bone Cruncher:
Everyone has had this one, it's not limited to strong blokes with big hands, you go to shake hands and the returning squeeze is like an engineer's vice crunching the bones in your hand. The single BIGGEST mistake is to release the pressure before the other person does because as soon as your hand goes soft it literally collapses under the pressure.
Wet Fish:
Usually on skinny hands, it is an outstretched flat hand which doesn't respond to the shake when contact is made. Normally slightly cold and damp to the touch.
Squidge:
Usually quite a chubby hand. Take a washing up glove and fill it with warm gravy. Tie the end so the gravy doesn't squirt out and now give it a squeeze as if you were shaking it. It's like a hand with no bones in it.
Bunch of Bananas:
Ah the giant hand. Can be quite uncomfortable to handshake as it's so big it's not negotiable without approaching slowly. Normally it's an unripe bunch of bananas too as it's rock hard, almost like shaking hands with the statue of David. However, the person on the other end is normally of generous proportions but the shake is generous and pressure not extreme.
Shaker:
A very keen handshake, it runs in real fast, grabs your hand and pumps up and down furiously. The first pump down can normally be recognised by a squelch as the shoulder comes semi out of joint before the recipient can tense up sufficiently to counter the action.
"The Bicep"
This guy may as well have no elbow joint. The arm comes in pivoting from the shoulder with a 90 degree bend in the elbow and doesn't deviate from this path. It's like a towing hitch and no manner of pumping up and down, back or forth can make it move. The hand and arm simply return any pressure that is applied. The only handshake that can beat "The Bicep" is a Bone Cruncher and only in one instance: If "The Bicep" releases too early by mistake it is doomed.
The Camper:
Four fingers are offered limply with the wrist bent upwards and the thumb is applied to the bottom of the handshake. Very light pressure is applied top and bottom making the recipient glance nervously left and right until the damn ordeal is over. Come one guys, it's not an acceptable handshake, sort it out!
The Uncomfortable One:
Everybody gets this themselves every now and then. One misjudges the handshake and the other party grabs fingers, thumbs, somewhere round the palm etc. Normally tactically countered by squeezing too hard in the wrong place so the whole handshake is demolished in a manly fashion as if to say "WE GOT THAT WRONG, I DON'T NORMALLY SHAKE HANDS LIKE THAT." So as the other party doesn't 'get the wrong idea' of course.
The Powershake:
A preformed hand deliberately begins a journey from the shoulder and arrives, back of the hand facing upwards with the elbow higher than the hand. The hand is shaped as if it were previously holding a McDonalds Big Mac and forces the recipient to offer a submissive upturned hand. The only way to counter this sort of shake is to reply with your own Powershake and battle it out, knuckles up, there and then.
Mates forever:
Interlocking thumbs, a bit like an arm wrestle but without a table and standing up. It looks plain ridiculous but some people insist on it
"I'm the Boss"
And finally the old goldie from the man who likes to take charge. A fairly well practiced and professional-feeling shake takes place but an unexpected left hand appears on the end of your elbow and applies pressure. What? Get off me dammnit. The counter to this "I'm the Boss" shake, which aims to take alpha male position, is after the shake with a firm slap on the back of the arm of the other party. Liken it to a light shove. Particularly effective in important business meetings in crippling your opponent into his real position. In your office, not his.
Feel free to add to this list and any comedy stories that go with them
