Jonny's handshaking thread
- Thread starter Jonny69
- Start date
Like the Belly prod but worse:
The Wrong'un
When one goes for the handshake and the other goes for a manly hug, the handshaker gets a hand full, the hugger doubles over in surprise and then its the speediest seperation since Britney and Jason Alexander, and a lot of awkward looks and trying to remain somewhat manly by coughing and such.
The Wrong'un
When one goes for the handshake and the other goes for a manly hug, the handshaker gets a hand full, the hugger doubles over in surprise and then its the speediest seperation since Britney and Jason Alexander, and a lot of awkward looks and trying to remain somewhat manly by coughing and such.
The pseudo-benevolent-but-actually-smarmy handshake
Imagine being American and meeting your Senator. You are offered a hand to shake and you aim for somewhere between the bicep and the bonecruncher. Firm but not overpowering.
You feel a hand on your arm or shoulder as if he was going for the powershake, but then you feel the hand removed and then its on top of your own hand. He has two on yours, tells you to smile and turns to the camera whilst shaking your one hand with his two. Ambushed!
Imagine being American and meeting your Senator. You are offered a hand to shake and you aim for somewhere between the bicep and the bonecruncher. Firm but not overpowering.
You feel a hand on your arm or shoulder as if he was going for the powershake, but then you feel the hand removed and then its on top of your own hand. He has two on yours, tells you to smile and turns to the camera whilst shaking your one hand with his two. Ambushed!
Soldato
- Joined
- 19 Jan 2005
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- 2,729
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- Oxford/Bristol
I'd like to add...
The Snare
It looks like a genuine offer of a handshake but the moment contact is made the trap is sprung and the other party uses the grip on your hand to reel you in and engage in an enveloping manhug.
In a worst case scenario a fellow can be caught so unawares as to be unable to extricate his left hand in time, leaving it trapped, embarassingly between the parties respective crotches.
The Clean and Jerk
The hand normally arrives preformed and with a straight arm angled 45 degrees at the shoulder joint. Upon contact the grip is firm, and the arm begins an immediate and swift downwards rotation back towards the shakers side.
Care should be taken to release in time lest you be pulled nose first into the other shakers, clearly well defined, personal space.
Often a briefcase is positioned such that the broadside is swung in front of the thighs, providing an additional shield to any further personal contact.
The Snare
It looks like a genuine offer of a handshake but the moment contact is made the trap is sprung and the other party uses the grip on your hand to reel you in and engage in an enveloping manhug.
In a worst case scenario a fellow can be caught so unawares as to be unable to extricate his left hand in time, leaving it trapped, embarassingly between the parties respective crotches.
The Clean and Jerk
The hand normally arrives preformed and with a straight arm angled 45 degrees at the shoulder joint. Upon contact the grip is firm, and the arm begins an immediate and swift downwards rotation back towards the shakers side.
Care should be taken to release in time lest you be pulled nose first into the other shakers, clearly well defined, personal space.
Often a briefcase is positioned such that the broadside is swung in front of the thighs, providing an additional shield to any further personal contact.
Soldato
- Joined
- 5 Sep 2005
- Posts
- 11,742
- Location
- Northern Ireland
The "Omg....I think He Fancies Me Handshake".
It starts off as a good firm normal manshake, but 1/2 way through the shaker says "Oooh....you're hands are soft, do you moisturise?", and as you disengage the shake, the sshaker proceeds to run his fingers down the inside of your palm.
This leaves you with the distinct feeling that the giver would like to give other parts of your body a good firm shake later on, and usually leaves you at a bit of a loss for the remaining duration of the meeting.
It starts off as a good firm normal manshake, but 1/2 way through the shaker says "Oooh....you're hands are soft, do you moisturise?", and as you disengage the shake, the sshaker proceeds to run his fingers down the inside of your palm.
This leaves you with the distinct feeling that the giver would like to give other parts of your body a good firm shake later on, and usually leaves you at a bit of a loss for the remaining duration of the meeting.
The Essential Courtesy Handshake.
This is the handshake you get from people like your future employers or someone you have just made an agreement with. They know they have to go into hand to hand intercourse, but they can't be bothered and do it as a basic confirmation that you have hands attached to your arms.
The intiator is you, confident and happy with your new arrangement you thrust out your sweaty clutch of digits hoping to give a bonecruncher, what meets you is a loose confederation of skin and bones with no sense of unity or force. You have to compensate but it is a subconcious rejection and the handshake is about as good as a juvenile's first attempts to wrestle off a bra. You come away feeling underwhelmed and cheated.
This is the handshake you get from people like your future employers or someone you have just made an agreement with. They know they have to go into hand to hand intercourse, but they can't be bothered and do it as a basic confirmation that you have hands attached to your arms.
The intiator is you, confident and happy with your new arrangement you thrust out your sweaty clutch of digits hoping to give a bonecruncher, what meets you is a loose confederation of skin and bones with no sense of unity or force. You have to compensate but it is a subconcious rejection and the handshake is about as good as a juvenile's first attempts to wrestle off a bra. You come away feeling underwhelmed and cheated.
The Fauxmason - This is best kept for a busy social club or snooker hall. If you play a frame with a stranger, during the post game shake remark loudly, 'Oh! Masonic...', and give a dramatic wink. This might only be funny in small Scottish towns.
- Name - The High Fff...
- Location - Offices that promote Team Spirit™
- Method - Aging middle management pulls of a career rescuing deal, leqading to a fit of congratulatory celebration among the team. To reflect the dynamism of the company, raised hand slaps are attempted, but swiftly degenerate into malcoordinated flailing, and self-conscious staccato hand jabs at the space in the air where the recipients hand used to be.
- Warning - May occasionally result in eye poking and face smacking.
I'm definitly a hybrid handshaker. I have rather large boney hands and having had to shake hands with men much larger than myself on a rugby pitch I always go for the "banana bone cruncher combo" to make up for it. Unless of course i'm saying bye to my mates then the "mates forever" comes out. 
The Reach-around
Usually performed by drunk people you've only just met. You go for the standard shake, whereas they dip, drop the shoulder and reach around over the top of your thumb (arm wrestling style). You're now homeboys.
Couple more that don't necessarily fall under a full handshake but are ones to watch out for. More niche shakes than anything.
The Urchin Sleight
A parent introduces you to their cheeky offspring. You try to make the little tyke feel like you might be equals and offer your hand for a manly shake. He offers his, but all too late the thumb of his hand is up to his nose, his fingers wiggling infuriatingly in your direction. You just got dissed by a toddler.
The Kenickie
Adult version of the Urchin Sleight. Hand is offered, but before contact it shoots up and greases back the hair above the ear. Usually followed by anyone else in the room going 'Oooooooh!'. Only ever used by ****s.
Usually performed by drunk people you've only just met. You go for the standard shake, whereas they dip, drop the shoulder and reach around over the top of your thumb (arm wrestling style). You're now homeboys.
Couple more that don't necessarily fall under a full handshake but are ones to watch out for. More niche shakes than anything.
The Urchin Sleight
A parent introduces you to their cheeky offspring. You try to make the little tyke feel like you might be equals and offer your hand for a manly shake. He offers his, but all too late the thumb of his hand is up to his nose, his fingers wiggling infuriatingly in your direction. You just got dissed by a toddler.
The Kenickie
Adult version of the Urchin Sleight. Hand is offered, but before contact it shoots up and greases back the hair above the ear. Usually followed by anyone else in the room going 'Oooooooh!'. Only ever used by ****s.
