Just found out my parents are splitting up

Shadez

Shadez

Shadez

Soldato
Joined
23 Dec 2002
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2,806
Location
Bristol
Dont know why im posting this, probably because i need to let my fealings out somewhere.

Just found out my parents are splitting up after 31 years of marrage, im lost atm just cant understand how my dad can realy be doing it. I aways thought my parents would be together till death.

To make matters worse my dad is moving 150 miles away, no word no hints nothing just tells me tonight hes moving tomorrow.

Dont know whats going to happen now, are they going to devorece. Will they be forced to sell the house (she couldnt afford to keep it by herself)

All this just as im looking at moving away myself to be closer to work. Dont know how my mum is going to cope.

I just feal a bit helpless nothing i can do, this has to be the worst situation you can be in.

Might go and open a bottle of something, getting drunk is probably the only way im going to get any sleep tonight

sorry if ive been rambleing a bit cant help it.
 
I've been in both of these situations, so even though its not that helpful to you, I know what you're going through.

Your mum will i suppose sell the house, but the money she gets from that Im sure will be enough for her to get her own place so she has the space she needs, perhaps she'll look for places near to where you're looking?

Things always get better with time, but just be there for your mum, she needs you the most right now.
 
Thanks, for the sympathy.

I know everything will be ok eventually, but it doesnt stop you thinking the worst.

Dont think my mum is likely to move near me she will most likely more near one of my sisters or even go back to margate and be near her sister.

I think the worst thing of all atm is i dont know if i can forgive my father for doing this, i love him but can i forgive him?
 
Just had a horrible thought, how is my younger sister going to explain to her 7yo why her grandpa is no longer with her grandma and why she is only going to get to see him 1-2 times a year.
 
dont worry over things like that.

why is your father moving so far away? and what are his reasons for a divorce and more importantly - leaving you.

you have to look at both sides of the story, his feelings are what matter because if he didnt feel like this he wouldnt leave. so there is something that has made him feel this way, it is up to you to find out and try to understand his point of view instead of placing anger towards him. used to hate my dad for shouting at my mum all the time but I was only ever looking at it from one side of the story. its hard to be unbiased when you want the same as one of the sides. but you need look at his side and see if there is any resolve between the 2.
 
Well, to put another slant on it, I suspect they have been living in a rotten marriage for years but keeping up a facade for your benefit. With you very obviously just becoming independent they probably think the time is right to get away from each other.

Before you start passing value judgements based on you fantasy view of adult marriage relationships you would do well to find out what has really being going on. Rather than not forgiving your dad, you might need to get down on your knees in front of him and thank him for what he's put up with on your behalf. Mum too.
 
stevenazari1 said:
dont worry over things like that.

why is your father moving so far away? and what are his reasons for a divorce and more importantly - leaving you.

you have to look at both sides of the story, his feelings are what matter because if he didnt feel like this he wouldnt leave. so there is something that has made him feel this way, it is up to you to find out and try to understand his point of view instead of placing anger towards him. used to hate my dad for shouting at my mum all the time but I was only ever looking at it from one side of the story. its hard to be unbiased when you want the same as one of the sides. but you need look at his side and see if there is any resolve between the 2.
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I know the reason for the distance, i think im the only one out of the siblings that do. Just before christmass i discovered he was having a affair with someone living a fair distance away. Didnt say anything at the time because i didnt want to ruin christmass, and ive been trying to decide for the last month the best way to approach the subject with him.

What i dont know is the reason why he was having the affair was it something he went looking for or was it something that happened, and because of the strain of the relationship has led to this.

Im not angry at my dad, hes my father and i love him so im not realy angry at him but i cant help think it will put a strain on my relationship with both my parents.

I know my mum is difficult to live with, and over the last year seems to of gotten worse but i just cant see any real reason why he would want to throw away 31 years of marriage.
 
Shadez said:
Just had a horrible thought, how is my younger sister going to explain to her 7yo why her grandpa is no longer with her grandma and why she is only going to get to see him 1-2 times a year.
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That would be the least of a seven year old's worries. Don't worry about that. Children are very good at not worrying, and this should be no exception :)

EffBee said:
Well, to put another slant on it, I suspect they have been living in a rotten marriage for years but keeping up a facade for your benefit. With you very obviously just becoming independent they probably think the time is right to get away from each other.

Before you start passing value judgements based on you fantasy view of adult marriage relationships you would do well to find out what has really being going on. Rather than not forgiving your dad, you might need to get down on your knees in front of him and thank him for what he's put up with on your behalf. Mum too.
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Bang in one. My parents once came up to me when I was 8 and said they may be splitting up. Upon my reaction they decided to put up with each other and whilst we were all under the same roof it was clear that things rarely worked. That said, I'll never thank them enough.
 
tbh you should talk to him about it before he goes. does your mother know he had an affair.

you need to tell him you know and how you feel of him for doing it. If he goes now, everyone will know why he left and then he cant come back, not because you dont want him back, because he wouldnt be able to live with himself.
 
Killerkebab said:
That would be the least of a seven year old's worries. Don't worry about that. Children are very good at not worrying, and this should be no exception :)

Bang in one. My parents once came up to me when I was 8 and said they may be splitting up. Upon my reaction they decided to put up with each other and whilst we were all under the same roof it was clear that things rarely worked. That said, I'll never thank them enough.
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same happened to me to the point I sat them down and told them to divorce but it turned out deep down they still loved eachother.
 
stevenazari1 said:
tbh you should talk to him about it before he goes. does your mother know he had an affair.

you need to tell him you know and how you feel of him for doing it. If he goes now, everyone will know why he left and then he cant come back, not because you dont want him back, because he wouldnt be able to live with himself.
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I dont think my mother knows, by the way hes is acting it seems like se just thinks this a tempory thing an he will come back. I dont think this will happen, hes made up his mind its time to go and i dont think hes comming back.

Ill probably have a chat with him about this at some point but now isnt the time.
 
well ive had quite a lot to drink now so think ill put some feal good movie on and try to get some sleep.

Will probably go and see my older sister tomorrow and have a good talk about this with her.

Just didnt think this would ever happen to me, the worst part has to be the moving so far away.
 
if now isnt the time when is? you sound like your putting it off because you dont want to talk about it tbh when now is the real only time you can speak to him about it. you cant just bring it up randomly in a few months.

there is still a chance tbh if they seek marriage councilling but you gotta keep him there longer to think about it rather than let him go. he may come to realise what he lost. but sitting there doing nothing isnt going to make the problem go away.
 
I know how you feel.

My parents split and my fatehr moved thousands of miles away. 150miles means you can still see him it isnt htat far away at all, some people do that commute to work!. I havent seen my fatehr for over 14years now.

Dont worry m8te these things are delivered to us to make us grow. I know its hard, but hey thats what life is all about.
 
my parents split, then my mum got with someone else and they split and then she got with someone else, luckilily for me he turned out to be the best thing you could ever wish for. Quite often these days your dad isn't your 'dad' if you get what I mean,

When my dad left me i remember screaming for him not to leave. I've not seen him since I was about 6 -7

sorry if this is random, i might post what I've seen my mother go through one day - its not good
 
Talk to your dad before he goes and keep in contact with him, he will always be your dad and you will always want to talk to him at some point no matter what you think now. Dads are people too, they make mistakes and they do things they regret.

There marrage may be ending now or it could have ended 15 years ago for all you know, lots of people just put up with things for kids or because they are just too damn scared of change, be there for them but be good to yourself too, not your job to patch this up.
 
Shadez said:
I dont think my mother knows, by the way hes is acting it seems like se just thinks this a tempory thing an he will come back.
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Speaking as a person whose parents went through an incredibly messy divorce there's no way i'd let me dad back in the house after he had cheated on my mother and she wasn't aware of it... then he had the cheek to say or give the impression that it was a "temporary thing". My situation was different to yours in that my mother was the one who cheated and moved away but because of the appalling human being she turned into during the divorce (some of the stuff she did almost defies belief) I no longer talk to her this very day, a good 9 years later.

Your mum needs to know, and your dad needs to realise he can't have his pie and eat it... he needs to come clean with your mum.

Good luck mate, in all likelihood it's going to be very, very tough for here on.
 
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31 years? Man, that's a lot to walk away from. Is it some kind of mid-life crisis?

Hopefully you'll come to forgive him in time, but I don't envy you the task of trying.
 
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