Just split up with my girlfriend after 2 years...

Richdog

Richdog

Richdog

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Welcome to the first and last relationship thread you will ever see from me. Last night, after a 2 year relationship, the previous longest for me being a few months, I broke up with the person I love most in the world after my father. Reason? Though almost I love her more than life itself, I just realised I wasn't in love with her. She is the only girlfriend I have ever had in my life where there wasn't an instant attraction, where getting together was a gradual thing, and in the end that sealed our doom. The sexual, physical side of the relationship just wasn't there and I struggled to ignore it for a long, long time. We had talked about it before, even almost split up a coupl e of times over it, so it wasn't completely "out of the blue". In the end, after what can only be described as an agonising period of "should I shouldn't I" I finally did the right thing, acted like a man, and ended it as nicely and as considerately as as I could in the circumstances.

To say she's devestated isn't the word, she stayed up almost all night weeping. To give you an idea of the severity of her feelings she thought we were soul-mates and I know if i'd asked her to marry me she'd have said yes in an instant.

In the long run it'll be best for both of us though she can't see it now, and i'm determined to keep her as one of my closest friends . I just never realised it wwas possible to feel this rotten. I mean, my parents divorce was bad enough, but this is completely miserable. We've both taken the day off work (phoned the boss up and told the truth, no excuses) and are going to Brighton for the day to sort things out and try and get our heads straight.

Writing this has made me feel better for some reason, but then again putting things down on "paper" generally does that. I just wish I felt what she felt as she's the most wonderful person i've ever known in my life, even now depite doing what I know in my heart is the right thing i'm already regretting it like mad.

Has anyone else been through anything like this? Any tips for getting through it unscathed besides seeing plenty of my good friends and not going on a rush rebound? :(
 
Go out with your friends and don't go into a rush rebound. :p

J/k - sucks when you have to break up with a girl, at least you've been honest and I'm sure that whilst she's probably gutted she'll appreciate that later down the line. Not sure whether it'd be a good idea staying bessie mates though, she might think there's a chance of getting back together and just get hurt even more, a clean break is by far the hardest in the short term but long term it seems so much more productive, plus the time apart puts a lot of things into perspective.

Everyone's different though and has different ways of dealing with things, you just have to play it by ear and hope that you're doing things as best as possilble, and learn from any mistakes for the next time if it happens.
 
I went through that with the last long-term boyfriend.

He was (is) a very very good man but I had lost all spark... Still care about him a lot and love him as I would a family member, but I hadn't been 'in love' for some time.

It does hurt, a lot more than a breakup due to cheating etc., because there's almost no solid reason - and when you care for the other person, you hate to see them suffer, which is one reason to drag the relationship out, living in denial, hoping that things will change and you'll fall for them again...

Well, that was Easter. I did have a boyfriend again a bit too soon after him, but it only lasted 3 months - he was cute but not someone I could see myself staying with.

And it has got a lot better - time heals and all that - I'm lucky that I'm still very good friends with the long term boyfriend (and the 3-monther actually). Enjoying eyeing up new potentials :D

I would advocate at least a week or two of non-communication between you and her though, if you're physically able to live apart from each other a bit. You both need to let things work their way through your respective heads without phoning the other up and crying about it.
 
Rich_L said:
Not sure whether it'd be a good idea staying bessie mates though, she might think there's a chance of getting back together and just get hurt even more, a clean break is by far the hardest in the short term but long term it seems so much more productive, plus the time apart puts a lot of things into perspective.
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Not sure I can do that to be honest, and i'm not sure either of us want that. We get on so well I can't see us not continuing to have some form of relationship as friends.

sara said:
I went through that with the last long-term boyfriend.

He was (is) a very very good man but I had lost all spark... Still care about him a lot and love him as I would a family member, but I hadn't been 'in love' for some time.

It does hurt, a lot more than a breakup due to cheating etc., because there's almost no solid reason - and when you care for the other person, you hate to see them suffer, which is one reason to drag the relationship out, living in denial, hoping that things will change and you'll fall for them again...

Well, that was Easter. I did have a boyfriend again a bit too soon after him, but it only lasted 3 months - he was cute but not someone I could see myself staying with.

And it has got a lot better - time heals and all that - I'm lucky that I'm still very good friends with the long term boyfriend (and the 3-monther actually). Enjoying eyeing up new potentials :D

I would advocate at least a week or two of non-communication between you and her though, if you're physically able to live apart from each other a bit. You both need to let things work their way through your respective heads without phoning the other up and crying about it.
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Ahh you understand perfectly well then. I'll try and see if I can encourage a week of non-comms and see how things go after that. Thanks for the advice. :)
 
Richdog said:
Ahh you understand perfectly well then. I'll try and see if I can encourage a week of non-comms and see how things go after that. Thanks for the advice. :)
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Good luck :)

Me and mine were having an awful time umming and ahhing about breaking up or working it through, so we gave ourselves a fortnight incommunicado to think it though, as actually talking about it was just taking us in circles. After a week, we broke the silence, both saying it was a good idea to break up. It was such a relief on both sides I think.

MSN in trust if you need a chat.
 
I think it could make things a lot more difficult for her if you try to stay friends, because of the feelings she has for you. Thats just my opinion, only you can judge that really.
 
Richdog said:
Not sure I can do that to be honest, and i'm not sure either of us want that. We get on so well I can't see us not continuing to have some form of relationship as friends.
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I'm sure you don't want that and you want her to just get over not being an item and just being really good mates, but is that going to be the best thing for her? A lot of the time 'staying best friends' is just a way of justifying it to yourself that you aren't upsetting him/her that much, because you'll still be mates! Meanwhile the other person doesn't know where they stand or how they can move on, or that if they stay best mates long enough maybe he/she'll come round to their way of thinking and all will be back to normal again and end up in a perpetual 'what-if' state of mind.

Either way it's not going to be a great time and whatever happens she'll probably get over it eventually so you just have to see what happens.
 
Chin up, phone your mates, get wasted, ya de ya de ya. It hurts, but only for a short while.

Good luck -

EDIT: you split with her, I severly doubt she is going to want any kind of friendship, not straight away anyway. You were basically best friends but you didnt realise it and went into a relationship. Did you never have the 'talk' about where this relationship was leading?
 
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Richdog said:
Welcome to the first and last relationship thread you will ever see from me. Last night, after a 2 year relationship, the previous longest for me being a few months, I broke up with the person I love most in the world after my father. Reason? Though almost I love her more than life itself, I just realised I wasn't in love with her. She is the only girlfriend I have ever had in my life where there wasn't an instant attraction, where getting together was a gradual thing, and in the end that sealed our doom. The sexual, physical side of the relationship just wasn't there and I struggled to ignore it for a long, long time. We had talked about it before, even almost split up a coupl e of times over it, so it wasn't completely "out of the blue". In the end, after what can only be described as an agonising period of "should I shouldn't I" I finally did the right thing, acted like a man, and ended it as nicely and as considerately as as I could in the circumstances.

To say she's devestated isn't the word, she stayed up almost all night weeping. To give you an idea of the severity of her feelings she thought we were soul-mates and I know if i'd asked her to marry me she'd have said yes in an instant.

In the long run it'll be best for both of us though she can't see it now, and i'm determined to keep her as one of my closest friends . I just never realised it wwas possible to feel this rotten. I mean, my parents divorce was bad enough, but this is completely miserable. We've both taken the day off work (phoned the boss up and told the truth, no excuses) and are going to Brighton for the day to sort things out and try and get our heads straight.

Writing this has made me feel better for some reason, but then again putting things down on "paper" generally does that. I just wish I felt what she felt as she's the most wonderful person i've ever known in my life, even now depite doing what I know in my heart is the right thing i'm already regretting it like mad.

Has anyone else been through anything like this? Any tips for getting through it unscathed besides seeing plenty of my good friends and not going on a rush rebound? :(
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what you going to do if you get settled down with a girl and the spark goes again , dump her?

I was with my ex for 11 years and yes it was hard at times , the spark wasnt the same as the begining but I still loved her and wouldnt of dumped her cause the sex wasnt the same, seems a bit shallow to me.
 
Fensta said:
EDIT: you split with her, I severly doubt she is going to want any kind of friendship, not straight away anyway. You were basically best friends but you didnt realise it and went into a relationship. Did you never have the 'talk' about where this relationship was leading?
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She does want to be friends, but I agree it won't be until she's got over it all to the required degree.

AmDaMan said:
yeah go out with friends mate, just going through the same now it's not nice at all.
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How long were you with her then, and did you end it or her?

Roughneck said:
what you going to do if you get settled down with a girl and the spark goes again , dump her?

I was with my ex for 11 years and yes it was hard at times , the spark wasnt the same as the begining but I still loved her and wouldnt of dumped her cause the sex wasnt the same, seems a bit shallow to me.
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Which part of "the spark was never there" did you miss? That's an unfair accusation, nothing about what I have done is shallow, please don't try to twist it that way. Besides, 2 years and 11 yeard are two completely different things and you are obviously in a completely different situation.
 
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so what if its shallow.. thats your view of it.. some people have needs and they should be met.. only a masochist willingly goes without having his needs met..
 
As others have said. Staying friends would be a bad idea. Almost as bad as spending the day after you've broken up on a day trip to Brighton.

If you're serious about the break up then leave her alone. Don't be friends, stay away. For her sake.
 
i'd go with the advice of not staying in contact, or atleast keeping it very minimal for now, seeing each other all the time is a recipy for her, and you thinking it could work out again, which to be fair i guess it could - you need to give each other space to sort yourselfs out and get on with life :)

try and stay posative, don't look back and think what if, look back with fondness, but finality. It ran its course, was good while it lasted but now the time to move on :)
 
I went through this with my girlfriend and it took like a 3 month break to make me realise we should be back together :p

Have a break and see how you feel when you start missing her more than you thought you would ;)

We are back together now and have a baby on the way :D :D :cool:

Good Luck mate.
 
I would consider a 3 month clean break and then see what your heart says then.

I don't see how you could be together so long and not have developed feelings of love. I take it you are absolutely 110% definite that you don't love her, and its not something else whihc is on your mind. If so you did the right thing./ Breaking up is never easy, you just have to be fairly blunt and try your best to make her understand and to make her realise it wasn't her thought, just a lack of something special
 
Roughneck said:
what you going to do if you get settled down with a girl and the spark goes again , dump her?

I was with my ex for 11 years and yes it was hard at times , the spark wasnt the same as the begining but I still loved her and wouldnt of dumped her cause the sex wasnt the same, seems a bit shallow to me.
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I think there is a lot to consider in this post. Anyone who thinks that a long term relationship will (or even should) have the same spark as it does in the beginning is sorely mistaken. After that initial excitement period, all relationships will suffer from routine and being taken for granted unless effort is made to keep some amount of excitement going. The eye begins to wander. The only relationships that survive are the ones that the people fight for, i.e. if you want spark you have to make the spark, not go looking for it elsewhere. You will only end up in the same situation. If you truley love this girl and want to be with her, fight for it. If not, then be honest and say that you actually don't want to be with her - it has nothing to do with a spark or excitement. Everyone will face this same problem at some point.
 
my ex dumped me a few months ago for exactly the same reasons, we were good friends for a couple of years, i always liked her but didn't think to do anything about it, then she jumped on me one night, after that we had a great 6 months, everything was there, after that it just went down the tubes a bit, she lost the spark with me, i don't know when, it was horrible, i loved her so much and just wanted her, after a year and four months she ended it, it hurt so much, more than anything could have, i would have put my hands on a table and have them smashed with a hammer if it meant i could have been with her forever and her want me back.

The first month was terrible, saw her once to collect my stuff, we spent the day together, parted on good terms, bitter sweet but it was nice to have a nice ending to look back on. I emailed and text a bit after that but then just decided i wanted a complete break. Since then i've been having a blast, out all the time with friends, doing new things and getting to know new girls (giggity).

It will hurt her, but, the feeling of being with someone and knowing they don't want you back is worse, over the long term i know this is best, i've just had to accept it and move on, if it's not meant to be then it's not. She'll realise this too, and maybe in a few more weeks time i'll be ready to talk and be friends with her again. I sent her a text the other week and had a mini catch up, i didn't have any feelings rise so that was good.

It’s up to her if she wants to complete break or not, just respect what she wants and be understanding, I found it hard not to hate my ex at times and said things I shouldn’t have, but it was only because I was so hurt.

Chin up, you've done the fairest thing for both of you, if there's no spark you're just friends, and after only 2 years that's not right.

oh and if you ever need anyone random to talk to then i'm about on msn most evenings.
 
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