Mate just sent me these...they dont seem too bad...
> Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person
> present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not
> having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the
> RAC have more responsible employees.
>
> The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of
> heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living
> too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish
> they'd make their minds up.
> John
>
> 'Disneyland - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.
> Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
>
> I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a
> mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loses
> around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I
> would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the
> extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.
> L Palmer, London
>
> With reference to Mr Palmer's previous letter. I am also married to a
> Taiwanese lady, but nobody ever asks me if she is a mail order bride.
> But perhaps that's because I am also Taiwanese. And we live inTaiwan.
> Lo Chi Chang, Taipei
>
> The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD
> pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make
> from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they
> stop breaking the law, so will I.
>
> Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
> like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wifes
> growler. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
>
> On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in
> Australia have discovered the
> smallest fish known to exist. They've
> obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.
>
> Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
> about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about
> galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
>
> Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with
> the exception of 'There is Nothing Left to Lose' by the Foo Fighters. I
> hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid
> sense of humour.
>
> I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My Dad
> is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
>
> What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being
> the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
>
> When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I
> was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the
> lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!' Funny,
> but the poor sod's face told a different story.
>
> I was being chased by a police dog last week, and made the mistake of
> trying to escape through a little tunnel, over a see-saw and through a
> hoop of fire. It finally caught me as I was weaving in and out of some
> sticks.
>
> I don't know why cigarette manufacturers put those big warning stickers
> on the side of their packets. If anything, it is likely to put people
> off buying the product.
>
> Forget Prince Harry and his fascist ways, whilst eating a Birdseye
> Potato Waffle the other day, I was sickened to be able to fashion a
> crude swastika from the compressed starch matrix. And their Alphabites
> are no better. After carefully selecting a plateful, I was able to
> spell out 'Hitler is nice' if I used a z on its side for an n. How long
> are the frozen food giants going to be allowed to get away with this?
>
> The saying goes, 'See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have
> good luck.' Well I beg to differ. I'm a matador, and whilst picking a
> penny up at work the other day I was badly gored in the anus. That's
> not good luck in my book.
> Milos el Standish, Barcelona
>
> I was shocked to hear Home Secretary say that Britain's prison
> population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the
> world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given
> 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can
> only dream of.
>
> On our wedding anniversary this year, my husband promised to treat me
> like a Princess. He was as good as his word: he took me for a meal, got
> completely ****ed and on the way home crashed into a concrete pillar at
> 120mph, killing me instantly.
>
> If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney
> characters are Man Utd supporters?
>
> They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I
> regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky
>
> If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon and bacon?
>
> They say good manners cost you nothing. B*llocks. I sent my daughter to
> finishing school and it cost me twenty bloody grand.
>
> In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose capital
> cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos
> Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade). China changed the name
> of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy. One hopes we will
> show a little more imagination in this century.
>
> Now I've been going out with my girlfriend for some time, it seems OK
> when I break wind in bed. It's when I follow through that the petty
> arguments begin. I will never understand women.
>
> We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to
> the war effort: as
> the BBC pointed out, she 'bravely remained in London
> beside her husband' during the war. This contrasts sharply with the
> actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately
> left his wife and children and ****ed off, first to France, then North
> Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will
> always be with us.
>
> Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East
> End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a
> hero by the people of London. That's because he flew Heinkel bombers
> for the Luftwaffe.
> Werner Hoffman, Munich .
>
> I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young
> people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up
> boards telling us motorists where they lead to.
>
> I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds in
> the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other one?
> Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person
> present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not
> having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the
> RAC have more responsible employees.
>
> The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of
> heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living
> too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish
> they'd make their minds up.
> John
>
> 'Disneyland - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.
> Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
>
> I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a
> mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loses
> around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I
> would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the
> extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.
> L Palmer, London
>
> With reference to Mr Palmer's previous letter. I am also married to a
> Taiwanese lady, but nobody ever asks me if she is a mail order bride.
> But perhaps that's because I am also Taiwanese. And we live inTaiwan.
> Lo Chi Chang, Taipei
>
> The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD
> pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make
> from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they
> stop breaking the law, so will I.
>
> Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
> like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wifes
> growler. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
>
> On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in
> Australia have discovered the
> smallest fish known to exist. They've
> obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.
>
> Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
> about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about
> galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
>
> Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with
> the exception of 'There is Nothing Left to Lose' by the Foo Fighters. I
> hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid
> sense of humour.
>
> I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My Dad
> is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
>
> What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being
> the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
>
> When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I
> was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the
> lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!' Funny,
> but the poor sod's face told a different story.
>
> I was being chased by a police dog last week, and made the mistake of
> trying to escape through a little tunnel, over a see-saw and through a
> hoop of fire. It finally caught me as I was weaving in and out of some
> sticks.
>
> I don't know why cigarette manufacturers put those big warning stickers
> on the side of their packets. If anything, it is likely to put people
> off buying the product.
>
> Forget Prince Harry and his fascist ways, whilst eating a Birdseye
> Potato Waffle the other day, I was sickened to be able to fashion a
> crude swastika from the compressed starch matrix. And their Alphabites
> are no better. After carefully selecting a plateful, I was able to
> spell out 'Hitler is nice' if I used a z on its side for an n. How long
> are the frozen food giants going to be allowed to get away with this?
>
> The saying goes, 'See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have
> good luck.' Well I beg to differ. I'm a matador, and whilst picking a
> penny up at work the other day I was badly gored in the anus. That's
> not good luck in my book.
> Milos el Standish, Barcelona
>
> I was shocked to hear Home Secretary say that Britain's prison
> population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the
> world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given
> 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can
> only dream of.
>
> On our wedding anniversary this year, my husband promised to treat me
> like a Princess. He was as good as his word: he took me for a meal, got
> completely ****ed and on the way home crashed into a concrete pillar at
> 120mph, killing me instantly.
>
> If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney
> characters are Man Utd supporters?
>
> They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I
> regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky
>
> If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon and bacon?
>
> They say good manners cost you nothing. B*llocks. I sent my daughter to
> finishing school and it cost me twenty bloody grand.
>
> In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose capital
> cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos
> Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade). China changed the name
> of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy. One hopes we will
> show a little more imagination in this century.
>
> Now I've been going out with my girlfriend for some time, it seems OK
> when I break wind in bed. It's when I follow through that the petty
> arguments begin. I will never understand women.
>
> We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to
> the war effort: as
> the BBC pointed out, she 'bravely remained in London
> beside her husband' during the war. This contrasts sharply with the
> actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately
> left his wife and children and ****ed off, first to France, then North
> Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will
> always be with us.
>
> Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East
> End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a
> hero by the people of London. That's because he flew Heinkel bombers
> for the Luftwaffe.
> Werner Hoffman, Munich .
>
> I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young
> people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up
> boards telling us motorists where they lead to.
>
> I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds in
> the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other one?
