From: Vincenzo Enormous
To: [email protected]
Date: Aug 15, 2005 12:20 PM
Subject: magners Irish Cider
Dear Sirs,
Summer is here and the typical British weather never fails to disappoint. No matter, let us go to our local tavern for some refreshment.
"What'll it be gents?" I asked the assemblage.
"I'll have a cider please, Vincenzo" responded Mervin, "Since my coeliac disease prevents me from consuming any wheat based beverages"
"I normally don't drink cider" piped up Elijah, "But those adverts for magners Irish Cider look good. I'll have one too"
"I'm not usually a cider drinker either but if we're all having it I may as well join in" sighed Callum, the tallest of our group.
"Four pints of magners Irish Cider please barmaid" I asked the buxom beauty.
Imagine my surprise when I was told by the rather surly lady that "We ain't got none"
"I see, has your stock been quaffed by other patrons also seeking rafraîchissement des pommes?" I proffered.
"Never had it" she snorted.
"But you must have" I countered, "The advertisements are everywhere you look. They must be spending tens if not hundreds of thousands of pounds promoting their beverage in glossy publications and on prime time television. They have surely distributed to every watering hole in the country"
"Listen, love" replied the overbearing serving wench, a fraction louder this time "Are you deaf? I said WE AIN'T GOT NONE!"
Fearing that I may be bellowed at again if I pursued my line of questioning I quietly ordered four pints of generic cider. We sat supping in silence wishing it could be that delicious looking magners we'd seen so much about.
The very next day I sprung out of bed after a fitful sleep and proceeded to the local grocery store, a certain J D Sainsbury's, to purchase sustenance. With bread, milk and other essentials in the trolley I remembered the excellent selection of specialist drinks they stock at the rear of the store. I thought to myself that if anywhere would be selling magners it would be here so I aimed my trolley at aisle 27.
Upon arrival I located the cider shelf and began peering at the veritable smorgasbord of apple based brews on offer. Diamond White, Dry Blackthorn, Duche de Lon'Villie, Gaymers' Olde English, Henry Weston Scrumpy, Henry Weston Special Vintage (Oak Conditioned), Merrydown, Old Rosie Cloudy Scrumpy, Scrumpy Jack, Stowford Export, Strongbow, Thatcher's Original, Thatcher's Mendip Scrumpy, Weston Organic Vintage, Woodpecker and five separate versions of Sainsbury's own branded bottles.
I stood there gazing upon the vast array and found myself flabbergasted by the fact that there were 20 different varieties on the shelf but no magners. This is a company that has been promoting their wares during televisual zenith such as Coronation Street and Big Brother. Plenty of flagons of the relatively unknown and certainly never advertised Henry Weston's Special Vintage (Oak Conditioned) but not one drop of magners. Figuring that there must be some kind of mistake I called over a shop assistant.
"Excuse me, kind sir, but could you advise whether you have a reserve of magners Irish Cider elsewhere in this store?" I enquired.
"We ain't got none" responded the spotty youth, presumably a relative of the previous days barmaid.
Following these two discouraging disasters you'll be pleased to hear that I didn't give up. I went to several grocers, off-licences and inns including but not limited to Co-op, Budgens, Spar, Wine Rack and several bars and clubs in the West End of London. To my dismay I am still yet to savour the taste of magners Irish Cider.
My gluten adverse comrade, Mervin, has also joined me in my quest and despite his efforts we have not been able to find a single purveyor of your product.
Last week I drove past the home ground of London Wasps Rugby Club. A curiously named team situated several miles from London in High Wycombe, the wretched town where I ply my trade. There it was in bright shiny magnificence: "London Wasps Rugby Club sponsored by
magners Irish Cider". For the next two years magners will be appearing on the chests of Lawrence Dallaglio (MBE) and Matt Dawson (MBE) but it has become seemingly unlikely that it will ever pass the lips of Vincenzo Enormous (BSc).
I am sold on the advertising.
I want "time dedicated to me".
I am ready to become a consumer.
Please help me to help you.
Yours Thirstily,
Vincenzo Enormous
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: Aug 16, 2005 10:43 AM
Subject: magners Original Irish Cider / Wm Magner Ltd
Good morning,
Thank you for your email and your interest in magners.
Unfortunately, magners is not yet available for retail sale - only through pubs and clubs.
Although we have no definite date of when it will be available for retail sale, we have a mailing list set up now, which I will add your email address to, so that you will be one of the first to hear of any developments!!
In the meantime, if you would like a list of pubs, clubs or hotels where you can enjoy the cool, refreshing taste of magners, please tell us the postcode(s) of the area(s) you would like us
to check and we will match it against our database.
A lot of people share your frustration that magners is not more widely available, but I assure you that you really won't have much longer to wait!
Thank you again for your interest in magners,
Kind regards,
Tansy Cleminson
William Magner Ltd.
email:
[email protected]
From: Vincenzo Enormous
To: "[email protected]"
Date: Aug 16, 2005 12:12 PM
Subject: Re: magners Original Irish Cider / Wm Magner Ltd
Good day to you Tansy,
Thank you for your prompt and cheerful reply.
I have many friends, family and colleagues from all over the country that have become enthused by my quest as they too wish to enjoy the cool, refreshing taste of magners. My postcode is *** *** and I will forward your e-mail to everybody who has thus far declared an interest with the kind offer of a database postcode search. I fear, however, you may be inundated with requests which will potentially take up several hours of your valuable time. Nevertheless I have a solution which may save everybody some time.
I will be hosting my annual soirée at Chez Enormous on the forthcoming Bank Holiday weekend. The event is the talk of high society during August and is attended by some of the most influential people on this fair isle. On the exclusive guest list we have doctors, lawyers, bankers and even the celebrity world is represented by Maxamilion von Snipe who once appeared as an extra in Hollyoaks and popular police drama, The Bill. Both of these programs have featured magners promotions during advertisement breaks so little Maxamilion is terribly excited about enjoying the cool, refreshing taste of magners.
If you're able to provide me with my local purveyor of magners we can adjourn during the day so that we can all enjoy the cool, refreshing taste of magners. However, this does put me in a quandary. One of the aforementioned lawyers, Emilio Libido, suffers from chronic asthma and as a result cannot enter a smoky environment such as a pub. We're even having to use a special low smoke charcoal briquettes imported from Peru for our hog roast so that his poor lungs can last through the day. He is travelling all the way down from Leeds and it would be a shame for us to split up our party.
I am therefore humbly asking whether you could see it your way to sending us some samples so that we may all enjoy the cool, refreshing taste of magners without having to leave the grounds.
I await your response with baited breath.
Kind Regards,
Vincenzo Enormous
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: Aug 16, 2005 2:19 PM
Subject: magners Original Irish Cider / Wm Magner Ltd
Good afternoon,
Thank you so much for your reply - we all really enjoyed reading it!
Normally, we don't send samples out, but we have decided to make you an exception and we will get a case of our cool, refreshing beverage on it's way to you very shortly - we just need the address of where you would like it delivered. I will also send you a presenter showing you the best way to enjoy magners – over mounds of ice.
In the meantime, please find below a list of outlets in, or near, your area where magners is served:
Crown, Farnham Road, Farnham Royal, SL2 3AS, 01753 643935
Wexham Hospital Social, Wexham Road, Slough, SL2 4HL
Golden Cross, Wexham Road, Slough, SL2 5HS, 01753 524500
Slough Irish, Sheehey Way, Slough, SL2 5SS, 01753 528600
All the best for your soirèe and thank you for your interest in
magners,
Kindest regards,
Tansy Cleminson
William Magner Ltd.
email:
[email protected]
From: Vincenzo Enormous
To: "[email protected]"
Date: Aug 16, 2005 3:50 PM
Subject: Re: magners Original Irish Cider / Wm Magner Ltd
Good afternoon Tansy,
It seems your generosity knows no bounds. My heart is leaping with joy at the prospect of the case of the cool, refreshing apple based nectar that we will shortly be able to savour.
I'm extremely interested in the "presenter" you mentioned. My friends are simple souls and are always impressed by visual aids. It will add to the tangible excitement building for what has become known as "The Tasting Ceremony".
You say it must be served over mounds of ice? This is a very interesting concept since I rarely consider cider to be a drink which is presented for consumption with anything other than a glass. My only recollection of a cider containing any foreign bodies was when my
young Egyptian stable boy, Zubair Rassul, regales stories of being under the influence of Snakebite, a filthy sounding cocktail of cider, lager and blackcurrant juice.
Suffice it to say that there will be no such contamination of the cool, refreshing magners. I will, however, make sure that I stock up on plenty of ice. Even if our supply expires we will be able to chip some off the life size ice sculpture of Natasha Kaplinski (of Come Dancing and BBC Breakfast TV fame) which I have ordered for the party.
I'm afraid I will be travelling extensively over the next couple of weeks so won't personally be able to take delivery. I would have requested that you send the case to the manor but frankly I cannot trust the staff not to drink it before I return and it would be a shame to get so close only to have my hopes dashed. Therefore I would implore you to deliver it to my most trusted of companions, Richard Kirby. Richard works in plastic and rubber and I have the utmost confidence that he will be able to look after such a priceless bounty.
His address is as follows:
Richard Kirby
**********
**********
**********
**********
**********
I would like to take this opportunity to express my great thanks for your assistance in my goal to enjoy the cool, refreshing taste of magners.
I will endeavour to spread the good word around that magners truly is "Time dedicated to you".
Yours Humbly,
Vincenzo Enormous
and tastes lovely (sorry for going slightly off topic)
