Midweek gag

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Participant

Participant

Caporegime
Joined
13 May 2003
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Location
Warwickshire
I took this girl into my bedroom and unfortunately, she noticed some brown stains on my sheets.

I quickly tried to explain, "My kitchen dining room and lounge are being redecorated, so this bed is the only place in the house I can sit down and eat. I've been living off those messy microwave curries using fiddly plastic cutlery."

She smiled understandingly as I pointed to the stains, "and the microwave curries make me **** the bed".
 
'Midweek gag' are both the thread title and the required punishment for posting it.
 
:( That was terrible.

Sickipedia to the rescue:

Subway is similar to prostitution. You pay other people to do your wife's job.

--

In the pub last night and my friends and I were talking about what sexual positions we use on different girls, when my mate chirped up and said "What position would you be in if you shagged a Muslim girl?"


"A very desperate one" I replied

--

I just received some terrible news.

My wife has testicular cancer

:eek:
 
I adopted a little African boy last week. I called him Google as he's going to spend his whole life getting searched anyway.
 
A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet.

“My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”

“Well,” said the vet, “let”s have a look at him.”

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, “I”m going to have to put him down.”

“What? Because he”s cross-eyed?”

“No, because he”s really heavy.”
 
simulatorman said:
A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet.

“My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”

“Well,” said the vet, “let”s have a look at him.”

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, “I”m going to have to put him down.”

“What? Because he”s cross-eyed?”

“No, because he”s really heavy.”
Click to expand...

LOL:D
 
The sexual position, more commonly known as 69 will now be known as 96. Due to the economy, it now costs more to eat out than it used to.:)
 
A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet.

“My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”

“Well,” said the vet, “let”s have a look at him.”

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, “I”m going to have to put him down.”

“What? Because he”s cross-eyed?”

“No, because he”s really heavy.”
Click to expand...

Even my wife found that funny thread saved......
 
simulatorman said:
A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet.

“My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”

“Well,” said the vet, “let”s have a look at him.”

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, “I”m going to have to put him down.”

“What? Because he”s cross-eyed?”

“No, because he”s really heavy.”
Click to expand...

Stolen from the Dave bits with brian blessed :(
 
MiNxYyY said:
The sexual position, more commonly known as 69 will now be known as 96. Due to the economy, it now costs more to eat out than it used to.:)
Click to expand...
nydryl said:
I adopted a little African boy last week. I called him Google as he's going to spend his whole life getting searched anyway.
Click to expand...
lol :D



Got this one in a text. Felt a little bit guilty for laughing:

Ordered a Chinese last night. The delivery boy turned up and said "Twennny pound prease". I smiled and said "What's Jordan's son called?", to which he replied "Harfey Price".

"Cheers, here's a tenner Ting-Tong, now **** off."
 
The aforementioned dog owner takes their Rottweiler to another vet. The Rottweiler settles down on the examining table.

The owner is rather surprised when the vet brings in a Labrador, who sniffs very thoroughly over the Rottweiler, nose to tail and back again, before returning to the vet. They're even more surprised when the vet talks to the Labrador as though the dog is telling the vet something. What kind of vet is this?

Before the owner says anything, the Labrador walks out and a cat walks in. The cat jumps up onto the examining table and stares at the Rottweiler, slowly moving along the table, examining every inch of the Rottweiler in unblinking intensity. The Rottweiler is obviously finding all this as weird as their owner and isn't even mad.

The vet talks to the cat as though the cat was telling the vet something, like they did with the Labrador, then turns to the dog owner and says "That will be £450".

The dog owner, understandably, queries the bill. The vet explains that it's £150 for the lab report and £300 for the cat scan.
 
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