Man of Honour
About a year ago, we had some neighbours move in. They are really nice people, friendly and extremely pleasant which is a nice change from the neighbours we’ve had in the past. The bloke always says hello and shakes my hand.To picture the scene, this chap is a 20stone muscle mania, with tattoos everywhere. He has a collection of Harley’s and a brand new Hummer. We know he is a tiler and is doing rather well for himself. We also know he owns a security firm who door the local nightclubs. We also know he and most of his family have been inside, for one reason or another.
Anyway, occasionally he’ll say, “here, have a bottle of champagne” for no reason. I’m not talking about a cheap imitation but the good stuff. Well my paranoia thinking is leading me to wonder where this is going. On one occasion, I came in to the Kitchen in a real panic. I said to the wife, “another one, another one, what do I do ? What do I do?”. Refusing to calm down, I was convinced he was going to want something it return, like dispose of a few bodies. My wife slaps me and says “Don’t be stupid, they are not like that”.
Well, the other day, a few more bottles arrive, chocolates and more gifts. “ I have a small job for Paul”, he said. At that point I **** myself. “Come round later with the wife and I’ll explain” #GULP#.
Turns out he has a pet lobster which apparently is very rare which he want me to look after whilst he is on holiday for a fortnight (#GULP 1.2#). I tried to break the ice a bit and asked if I could eat him but the look alone nearly made me pass out. He gave me a firm pat on the back and said “I’ll leave him in your capable hands then Paul”. “please call me Huddy”, Ok Paul.
What he doesn’t know, it that a few weekends ago when the other members went away for the weekend, I forgot to feed Latte, our pet Guinea Pig, who I buried on their return.
That’s not all. His wife is one of those woman how cleans and Hoovers at 5am every day, the again at 8pm. His son said to me, “She’s crazy, she knows where everything is to the centimetre”. “Once we played a joke by moving some of her ornaments around”, he continued. “She went nuts on me hitting me with everything within minutes”. Her husband said, “Yep, you’ve been warned hahaha”. He laughed. I laughed very nervously (#GULP1.3#)
So, please spare a though for me over the next few weeks. I may see you in the new year. If I’ve not, I’ve either drunk myself silly on the champers or I’ll most certainly be part of the foundations of the local car park.
Anyway, occasionally he’ll say, “here, have a bottle of champagne” for no reason. I’m not talking about a cheap imitation but the good stuff. Well my paranoia thinking is leading me to wonder where this is going. On one occasion, I came in to the Kitchen in a real panic. I said to the wife, “another one, another one, what do I do ? What do I do?”. Refusing to calm down, I was convinced he was going to want something it return, like dispose of a few bodies. My wife slaps me and says “Don’t be stupid, they are not like that”.
Well, the other day, a few more bottles arrive, chocolates and more gifts. “ I have a small job for Paul”, he said. At that point I **** myself. “Come round later with the wife and I’ll explain” #GULP#.
Turns out he has a pet lobster which apparently is very rare which he want me to look after whilst he is on holiday for a fortnight (#GULP 1.2#). I tried to break the ice a bit and asked if I could eat him but the look alone nearly made me pass out. He gave me a firm pat on the back and said “I’ll leave him in your capable hands then Paul”. “please call me Huddy”, Ok Paul.
What he doesn’t know, it that a few weekends ago when the other members went away for the weekend, I forgot to feed Latte, our pet Guinea Pig, who I buried on their return.
That’s not all. His wife is one of those woman how cleans and Hoovers at 5am every day, the again at 8pm. His son said to me, “She’s crazy, she knows where everything is to the centimetre”. “Once we played a joke by moving some of her ornaments around”, he continued. “She went nuts on me hitting me with everything within minutes”. Her husband said, “Yep, you’ve been warned hahaha”. He laughed. I laughed very nervously (#GULP1.3#)
So, please spare a though for me over the next few weeks. I may see you in the new year. If I’ve not, I’ve either drunk myself silly on the champers or I’ll most certainly be part of the foundations of the local car park.
