Need advice :(

homi-sid-al

homi-sid-al

homi-sid-al

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15 Nov 2007
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476
Ok guys brace your self ill explain the the best i can:rolleyes:

At the age of 10 (give or take a year )i was told my father was not infact my real father and my bioligical dad walked out when i was one,needless to say i was shocked blah blah blah,it didn't really supprise me because i allways felt seperated if you like from the familly.
Anyway last year i plucked up the courage to ask my mother some question's about my biological father i.e what was he like?where abouts does he live etc etc,she told me some very disturbing facts about him,so disturbing infact it messed my head up quite a bit,i told my mother how i felt about what she had told me and she remained adament it was the truth.
Basically what she had told me was that he hadn't paid a single penny maintainence towards me,he didnt want to know me,he was violent and..now this is the big kick in the guts...he left for another man:eek::eek:he was gay.
Ok thats the short story of what happend last year.
Febuary this year i looked up his name on the electoral role and found a couple of address's that were around the area i believed him to be living,one night 14th feb to be exact my sister (who was adopted out when born and wants nothing to do with my mother...her bioligical mother) talked me into having a drive and look at the address's,first address we came to my wife got out the car and knocked the door,she tactfully explained we were looking for someone from the past blah blah and he seemed very excited at this fact and was very open.
It was him:eek:anyway very long story short emotianal meeting etc we were all invited in,as you can imagine we had loads of questions for each other but im gonna cut to the chase,basically it turns out my mother was the violent one she sufferd severe post natel depresion after i was born and was a bit of a night mare,there was instance where my nan (who is actually living with my dad)went round to the flat to try and help her and my mother litterally smashed my nan's face in to the point she needed miner surgery on her face.
My mother was also seeing someone behind his back (my non-biolicial father)and was leaving me with anyone and everyone,anyway soon after they split up and she left my biolical father with thousands of pounds of debt of wich he knew nothing about,not only that she threatend him with legal action if he was to come anywhere near me,tell them he wasn't safe etc.
He was also approached by a couple of heavy's basically threatening his life if he tried to contact me,this would usually sound unbelievable but when he described them to me i knew straight away who they were,a couple of pretty dangerous people off my non boilogical father's side.
He also told me about the woman he met a few years after the split with my mother who was basically the love of his life,she was a police woman and they were about to get married untill tragically 8 years ago she was involved in a major pile up on the m42 i think and she lost her life,ive visited her grave with him and it obviosly still pains him to talk about her,needless to say he was shocked to say the least when i explained about how i was told he was gay.
After telling him what i was told about him he also produced proof that he had actually paid maintanence up untill i reached the age of 16 so everything my mother told me was a huge lie,i'm now getting to know him and my nan and you couldnt ask to meat a nicer chap,even my nan is great and i cant help thinking what i havemissed out on all these years.
All i feel now is hate towards my mother,she doesnt know ive found him and when im in her company i can't look her in the eye,the anger is so great that i just pace around at work sometimes just thinking about it.

Sorry for the long post and poor spelling but ive had a drink and have been thinking about it all night and i suppose i just want some advice:rolleyes:
Thanks guys;)
 
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Must suck when you find that someone so close is telling such huge lies. Give your self some time to reflect mate as I doubt anyone on here is in a position to give advice. From what you say, I think spending some time with your biological old man would be a good idea.

My parents split when I was 12, and my mum actually got quite violent towards my dad. I didn't speak to her for about 4 years (after my dad died) but you find that after time you do find a way to build bridges, despite what happens. People also *can* change, and *can* regret their actions when they are confronted with their wrongdoings.
 
people do and say odd things when they are trying to protect themselves.
tell her what you know, get it out in the open now, before you really start to resent her for it.

yes its a **** situation, but you arent the first and wont be the last person to be told lies about why dad left you when you were young. probably a few websites with lots of info on how to do with the new information you have, have a google :]

good luck and dont let it tear your own family apart with your anger and resentment.
 
:(. You need to have a chat with your mother, without going off on one. There's every chance that she has a real explanation. If not, she's a ***t, and deserves to be left alone :). Good luck soldier.
 
Wow, thats heavy. I can't offer any real advise but thats a horrible situation to be in and I hope it all turns out for the best for you.
 
oh, before chatting with your mum, write everything you want to say and how you feel down on paper. you might think you can remember things but you wont
 
You are now married and have a life of your own from what I can tell, the only thing to do is talk to your mother, explain what you have found out (without disclosing your father's address) and leave it up to her to come to you.

I'd clear this with your biological father first in case he gets involved in something he doesn't want to deal with.

Focus on the good news, you've found your real Dad and he's a good bloke, don't forget that bit :)
 
Yeah, what sweetloaf said is important....you've tracked your father down and found that he's a nice guy and not some drunk, violent, homosexual guy.

I don't know if you should tell your mum though (due to her getting her new husbands dangerous mates on your real dad) - but eventually i guess you will have to!
 
It's good you had the courage to attempt to find/meet him after all those years. I still don't know my old man lol.

I agree with what's been said above though^^. :)
 
Scuzi said:
This sounds very familiar. Did you post this before?
Click to expand...

No never,i've wanted to but its a hard situation to put into words.

Iv'e thought about asking my mother the same questions as i did last year and when she tells me about the lack of maintainence i would produce the evidence,only thing is my mother is vicious and when cornered would really fly off the handle,i spose deep down i know it would be the end of our relationship,whats left of it anyway.
 
Heavy stuff indeed, hope it all works out for you mate.

Relationships are complicated things though, don't go burning bridges when it comes to family.

Just try to keep a level head as you start to make sense of it all, your Mum is still your Mum when all is said and done.

Hope you can build a good relationship with your Dad and Nan, just remember there are at least two sides to every story mate and let it unfold.

Ideally the day comes when you can see both of their points of view and still relate to them.

wish you the very best of luck.
 
That is really harsh; to think that the woman who you trusted and you have just found out that she’s just stabbed you in the back

I don’t know what to say on the matter but if you wish to still be on talking terms with your mum I wish the best to you whatever happens/choose to do

But going on what you have said about she goes off the handle when cornered makes me think that you should just not tell her due to the fact that you said she is/was a violent person IMO of course.

But I wish you nothing but luck.
 
blimey mate thats a lot to take in...

It must be very hard for you to look at your mother in the same light as you always have, to know you have been lied to. Not to sound flippant, but it goes to show there is always another side of things, it is a good thing you went off and found your dad and listened to what he had to say.

Have you spoke to your mum about what you have found out yet? Its a difficult situation.. I'd be quite angry if it was me, and have a lot of questions for her
 
It's good to hear you're building a good relationship with your Dad and Nan. :)

Don't burn your bridges with your Mum. If everything your Dad has said is true then what she's done is very wrong but not unforgivable. I'm making assumptions here, but she's brought you up and cared for you well?
 
I would feel like spitting on my mother after reading that! :O

I would probably just say to my mum 'I do know the truth...' and then In a few weeks ask her what the ***** is she playing at lying about my father.

Please fully star out any swearing.
 
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