Need single parent advice

[Jonnybmac]

My previous job i worked 3 shift patterns
10-6,6-2,2-10
My days seeing my son were tuesday thursday saturday times depending on shifts.
Maintenance was £40pw and my wage was £290 to take home

I got laid off so now i have a new job that consists of
Day shift 7.30am-4.15 mon-thir 7.30-11.30 fri wage 260
Nights 9.45pm-7.30. 350
Days seeing son are friday around 4pm pickup and stays till 6/7pm saturday


Currently doing 2 weeks of each.. I work an hours travel each way and it costs me £65 in petrol to get to work. Because of this im currently only paying £30pw child maintenance. I must say when i pay this ive always also bought/gone halfs on stuff such as shoes, school uniforms ect. What i pay pw is for essentials.

Now due to the high petrol cost i currently stay back on days till 6pm mon-thurs and friday till 3.
Nights i do 7.30-7.30
And both i work a sunday 7.30am-4pm

Take in mind hour each way this leaves me little time to do anything but the times are currently working for me pulling myself out of debt working as much as possible.

Now my childs mother has demanded we take turns on a weekend alternating fridays and satirday nights that i have my son so she can go out.
This screws me over due to being unable to work at all over the weekend as i cant do saturdays as ill still have my son and im unable to do sundays due to my child staying overnight and me needing to ve out the door at 6.20am.

Am i being selfish to say no i cant or is this something i should be honouring my role as a father to do? Personally its fruatrating me because she gets more money than me, she goes out most weeks, has 400 a month horse bills as a leasure ect and im struggling to get by and trying to work hard to sort myself out but i dont want to be selfish.

Do i say no and offer her the £40 a week i was once having in exchange to keep it as it is as ill be earning £80-£90 after tax on my sunday shift.

I have a 4.5k car on finance thats currently sat off the road with a broken gearbox that will cost me £600 to fix that i need to do asap so i can sell it and be £150 a month better off, i ow for a £300 car i just bought to get me to work till i can afford to fix my car but then had to fork out a further £300 to put this car through an mot as it had a fake certificate.
Im so broke atm and need this money and overtime but dont want to sway from my responsibilities. I geel its unfair when shes wanting to ho out and im wanting to work but then it isnt her respinsibility im skint and need to work.

 

[teenwolf]

Working 5 days a week is enough. The kid needs its father and you should be there.
A lot of father's dont get to see their children due to the mother's so I would put the kid as priority while you can.

 

[Jonnybmac]

Its not as if i dont want to spend time with my child because i do. It was her who stopped through week me having him due to it being too late. I wont be seeing him any extra its just the nights that want changing. Id still be having him from 9am saturday till sunday probably till dinnertime sunday.

She gives me no favours. I asked her the other week to pick him up and drop him off as i had no car and her response was its not her problem for me to see and sort out picking my child up which angers me more.

I cant physically live without the overtime with my bills and the £250 a month it costs in travel just to work and back.
I went to court to fight for rights for my child, and i would take every opputunity but shes just altering things to suit her in my personal feelings which is fair in this case as i guess everyone needs a sat night out now and again but she constantly changes things regardless of my position and ive always let her because its not worth loosing my child over because she does spite me if she doesnt get her own way which is another thing im worried about.

 

[teenwolf]

Well if you need the money then you need the money.
By the sounds of it that is not going to go down well with the mother.
Maybe you should just talk to her about the situation and try to make a compromise.

I don't really see what else you can do.

 

[s0ck]

Understand your situation but here's the other side of the coin.

As she gets more and more ****ed off that she can't go out, her relationship with the people around her will deteriorate. This may eventually filter down to your son, even if she's a salt of the earth type mother.

 

[Neodite]

I had this stuff like this with my EX wife.

She would phone me up one day saying "Can you have the kids tonight I have been invited out" And if I am not working I have the kids anyway. But this day I was working and she knew I was.

So obviously I could not have them, so she got angry.

At the end of the day, if your EX does not work (like mine) Then I assume she is also getting all the benefits she can and you like me, will get zero help (I have mine about 5 months of the year).

So do as I did, tell her to get a job and you will leave yours and have the kids full time and she can have them every other weekend. Soon shuts them up. They moan because we HAVE to work overtime to pay for things, but moan even more when they realize it is harder for you than them.

And is she using your £30 a week to go out on a night out? I would never hand mine cash.

 

[knip]

She doesn't go out the other five nights of the week, so why can't she have two nights a week off?

Horses or no horses, she can spend her money how she chooses.

Your son is more important than money if you ask me.

Sorry if that sounds grumpy, it's not meant to, but you're jointly respondible for your child, and now he's growing up a bit, I think she's entitled to more of a break from him.

 

[spookywillow]

Go to work mate, If you have no money to live how will you be able to do anything with your son when you do get to have him, it will come to a point where you wont be able to have him due to no money.

On top of that you sound like a "babysitter when needed" with these demands. I know far too many guys who's ex's stitch them up over when they have the kids because they have all the power.

I know you want to see your son and do the right thing but bills have to be paid or where will you end up, Many fathers, me included not long ago don't get to see their kids much even when we are still with the mothers. I had 3 jobs to make ends meet, 6-2, then 4 till 11 and then a weekend job too. I was seeing my kids for maybe an hour a day and I lived with them but bills have to be paid.

Sadly this is how life is if we are not loaded, I also dont agree with most posts in here saying to stuff your job, maybe they don't know what hardship is like, but then maybe you should just do as suggested, don't pay your bills, get into debt, maybe just go on the dole so you can spend as much time with your son because seeing your child is more important that paying your bills. Ahh but then you have the same people calling you dole dossing scum lol, Can't win in GD

 

[Jonnybmac]

She doesn't go out the other five nights of the week, so why can't she have two nights a week off?

Horses or no horses, she can spend her money how she chooses.

Your son is more important than money if you ask me.

Sorry if that sounds grumpy, it's not meant to, but you're jointly respondible for your child, and now he's growing up a bit, I think she's entitled to more of a break from him.

Because I dont go out the other five either I work, and weekends consist of me having my son as soon as i finish work pretty much until 7pm saturday, then i usually go top bed because im exhausted and have to be back up for work again at 6am. she gets more free time at the moment than i ever do and complains.. she was the one who stopped me seeing my son on a tuesday and thursday because she felt it was too late for him

i agree shes entitled to what leasures and stuff she wants which i already mentioned

its early morning so your allowed to be grumpy and i appreciate honest comments. i wasnt looking for sympathy i just want the truth as to if i sound selfish and where my prioritys would lay in other hands as i dont really know myself.

Go to work mate, If you have no money to live how will you be able to do anything with your son when you do get to have him, it will come to a point where you wont be able to have him due to no money.

On top of that you sound like a "babysitter when needed" with these demands. I know far too many guys who's ex's stitch them up over when they have the kids because they have all the power.

I know you want to see your son and do the right thing but bills have to be paid or where will you end up, Many fathers, me included not long ago don't get to see their kids much even when we are still with the mothers. I had 3 jobs to make ends meet, 6-2, then 4 till 11 and then a weekend job too. I was seeing my kids for maybe an hour a day and I lived with them but bills have to be paid.

Sadly this is how life is if we are not loaded, I also dont agree with most posts in here saying to stuff your job, maybe they don't know what hardship is like, but then maybe you should just do as suggested, don't pay your bills, get into debt, maybe just go on the dole so you can spend as much time with your son because seeing your child is more important that paying your bills. Ahh but then you have the same people calling you dole dossing scum lol, Can't win in GD

Thanks for that. It does frustrate me as when I want him I generally dont get him. hes either sick or just simply doesnt want to come.. friends chilrens partys hes always sick. i think in 3.5 years hes only ever been to one and thats because i never told her he was going and bought him some new clothes to go in.

its hard because i feel physically exhusted. on a weekend i have no money to take him anywhere and i feel so tired from working. my day with him is basically the only day's rest i get too.
im stressed out with bills and things keep hitting me over and over.

like i say i have a 4.5k car sat on my drive depreciating, costing me £150 a month on finance i cant give back because its broken and will cost me £600 to fix. im driving round in a £300 banger thats hardly safe enough to cart my kid around in but she doesnt care so long as she isnt having to drop him off and pick him up. ive just been landed with a £300 bill to get it into shape for an m.o.t as i wa sold the car with apparently 7 months m.o.t but yet it was fake and hadnt actually got any m.o.t left on it.

i ow my parents the money for the car as i had to get it pretty much the same day my car broke to get into work the following day otherwise id end up loosing my job.

i dont want to work overtime. quite frankly the though makes me sick. id much rather have a normal weeks work and go home at a reasonable time rather than spending 14 hours out the door and the rest in bed or trying to keep up with my college work.

i know i should be helping more, but i really need this money and ive explained this to her but its obviously not her problem and all shes bothered about is going out on a saturday night and for me to have my son whilst she does.

 

[spookywillow]

This is going to sound harsh but your priority is work and your ex's is your son, She has custody of him therefore if You are unable to look after him due to work then it's tough cookie or ask a family member to take care of him so she can go out, That's her responsibility as the parent in custody.

Like Neodite said a few posts up, See if She would like to swap roles and I bet it wont happen.

The Best thing you can do is continue working till your debt's are paid off or you can find a better job that gives you the time to see your son and pay bills at the same time. Yes it may take some time but once your done your done, Everyone's happy.

 

[Haggisman]

This is going to sound harsh but your priority is work and your ex's is your son, She has custody of him therefore if You are unable to look after him due to work then it's tough cookie or ask a family member to take care of him so she can go out, That's her responsibility as the parent in custody.

Gotta agree with this. While in an ideal world it would be great if you could see your son whenever you wanted, she has all the benefits of custody, she's got to take some of the responsibility too.