Personal statement opinions please

Mundu · 14 Dec 2006 at 19:59

As the title says I really would like some more feedback on my second draft. I'm still trying to figure out where the second paragraph should go and wondering if I should fit anything about my interests in somewhere. Thanks in advance!!!

I have enjoyed honing my creativity whilst pursuing my interest in Art and Design, however since concentrating on the practical aspects of creating artworks I feel I have missed out on other academic skills such as Maths, English and the Sciences. Architecture is a field where I can combine my creative and academic skills

I am continually analysing architecture and its design and functions and also enjoy trying to work out what that designer/ architect was trying to achieve.

I am inspired by the thought of being able to have a contribution to the design of our built environment and having an impact on our landscape and control the way people move through and respond to a designed space. I feel architecture can be used as a economical and political tool that can be used to improve the World through the design of buildings and through urban planning just as the International Congress of Modern Architecture did

The project I am currently working on involves using modules to fill space. This has made me realize the issues I should be considering when designing an environment. I have also been introduced to Le Corbusier’s Modulor system and have been fascinated by his use of the golden mean and continuation of the tradition of Vitruvius.

Over the last two years I have had issues with my health that have drastically impacted on my education and my everyday life. I feel I have passed through this period and now feel I have a stronger desire to succeed in my career to make a positive impact on the world.

Melm0 · 14 Dec 2006 at 20:00

Is that meant to be art AND design, in the first line?

Also

I am continually analysing architecture and its design and functions and also enjoy trying to work out what that designer/ architect was trying to achieve.

has too many "and's". Maybe something like ... "functions, whilst I also enjoy..."

a economical

Should be "an"
Also, you repeat

can be used

twice, maybe change that to something similar?

realize

use "s" instead of z, unless you are American

feel

Used twice; again maybe replace it? Or you could just not put "feel". Maybe "and now have a strong desire..."

You could mention just after the last sentence that your chosen course will aid you in your aim to be an architect (or whatever you wish to do)?

Mundu · 14 Dec 2006 at 20:09

Melm0 said:
Is that meant to be art AND design, in the first line?

Yup. There's loads of mistakes dotted about. I'm only on my second draft.

Melm0 · 14 Dec 2006 at 20:10

Mundu said:
Yup. There's loads of mistakes dotted about. I'm only on my second draft.

I've read it again and editted my first post.

Hope it's some help

rdizzle · 14 Dec 2006 at 20:13

Mundu said:
however since concentrating on the practical aspects of creating artworks I feel I have missed out on other academic skills such as Maths, English and the Sciences

try and avoid writing about your weaknessess and concentrate on your strengths.

rdizzle

Mundu · 14 Dec 2006 at 20:22

rdizzle said:
try and avoid writing about your weaknessess and concentrate on your strengths.

rdizzle

Will do.

I have enjoyed honing my creativity whilst pursuing my interest in Art ad Design, however since concentrating on the practical aspects of creating artworks I feel I have missed out on other academic skills such as Maths, English and the Sciences. Architecture is a field where I can combine my creative and academic skills

I am continually analysing architecture and its design and functions whilst I also enjoy trying to work out what that designer/ architect was trying to achieve.

I am inspired by the thought of being able to have a contribution to the design of our built environment and having an impact on our landscape and control the way people move through and respond to a designed space. I feel architecture can be used as an economical and political tool to improve the World through the design of buildings and through urban planning just as the International Congress of Modern Architecture did.

The project I am currently working on involves using modules to fill space. This has made me realise the issues I should be considering when designing an environment. I have also been introduced to Le Corbusier’s Modulor system and have been fascinated by his use of the golden mean and continuation of the tradition of Vitruvius.

Over the last two years I have had issues with my health that have drastically impacted on my education and my everyday life. I feel I have passed through this period and now have a stronger desire to succeed in my career to make a positive impact on the world.

Melm0 · 14 Dec 2006 at 20:31

Mundu said:
I have enjoyed honing my creativity whilst pursuing my interest in Art and Design, however since concentrating on the practical aspects of creating artworks I feel I have missed out on other academic skills such as Maths, English and the Sciences. Architecture is a field where I can combine my creative and academic skills

I am continually analysing architecture and its design and functions, whilst I also enjoy trying to work out what that designer/ architect was trying to achieve.

I am inspired by the thought of being an active contributor to the design of our built environment. Having an impact on our landscape and controlling the way people move through and respond to a designed space ...Add something here.... I feel architecture can be used as an economical and political tool, to improve the World through the design of buildings and through urban planning (maybe.. "the planning of urban areas"), just as the International Congress of Modern Architecture did.

The project I am currently working on involves using modules to fill space. This has made me realise the issues I should be considering when designing an environment. I have also been introduced to Le Corbusier’s Modulor system and have been fascinated by his use of the golden mean and continuation of the tradition of Vitruvius.

Over the last two years I have had issues with my health that have drastically impacted on my education and my everyday life. I feel I have passed through this period and now have a stronger desire to succeed in my career to make a positive impact on the world.

Mundu · 17 Dec 2006 at 19:19

Thanks for those Melm0.

Here's the third draft which has drastically changed and now needs cutting down which shouldn't be too hard.

I am continually analysing architecture and its design and functions whilst I also enjoy trying to work out what that designer/ architect was trying to achieve. At the moment I have been paying close attention to the Twickenham Rugby Stadium’s South stand development, which was designed by Ward McHugh Associates. It takes a fair amount of time to walk around on my daily commute so I’ve had a chance to see the site develop over time from many angles and viewpoints as well as having a chance to see work in progress. I’ve also experienced the effect a build has on the local community as my college and place of work are in the immediate vicinity.

Architecture appeals to me as it is a field where I can combine my creative and academic skills as I enjoy Maths, The Sciences, and Literature as well as solving creative problems. I am inspired by the thought of being an active contributor to the design of our built environment. Having an impact on our landscape and controlling the way people move through and respond to a designed space. I feel architecture can be used as an economical and political tool, to improve the world through the design of buildings and through urban planning just as the International Congress of Modern Architecture did. Fuller’s constant ambition to inspire humanity to take a broader view of the finite world’s infinite possibilities, his principle of ephemeralization and his dedication to advancing the success and fulfilment of humanity are all views I share and make my look at Fuller as a role model.

Philosophy as a concept and a subject interests me greatly. Metaphysics and Epistemology in particular, as the nature of existence in the most fundamental sense is something that has bewildered man since man has existed, and the functioning of man’s mind and his conceptual capacity is intriguing the say the least.

The project I am currently working on involves using modules to fill space. This has made me realise the issues I should be considering when designing an environment. I have also been introduced to Le Corbusier’s Modulor system and have been fascinated by his use of the golden mean and continuation of the tradition of Vitruvius.

Computers are my forte and I take a keen interest in computer hardware and enjoy keeping up with new advancements in technologies as and when they emerge. I particularly love CAD software for it limitless use as a tool for so many different tools but am also somewhat worried by the inevitable total reliance of computers for many tasks.

Over the last two years I have had issues with my health that has drastically impacted on my education and my everyday life. Due to this I was only able to complete one As Level in my first year of sixth form, missed the next academic year but was able to return in the last term of the third year and complete 2 AS Levels which I see as a great achievement personally. I feel that was a major hurdle and to some extent something I needed to experience but I feel I have passed through that period and now have a stronger desire to succeed in my career to make a positive impact on the world.

I’ve travelled to various countries over the years and the difference between the west, Middle East and Far East amazes me greatly. I don’t believe the social attitudes of one race could differ so greatly on one small planet in such a vast universe. For example Americans have a somewhat similar society to the British but when I went to India I was amazed at everything I saw from the slums I passed to the amazing Mughal architecture in the form of the Red Fort. The open spaces in India seem to encourage people to move around as they wish unlike the tight spaces in Western cities which seem to constrain people’s movements.

Maybe I’m just being ignorant thinking that people would have more in common around the world apart from those of human instincts and emotions of different cultures but I think it’s about time the majority of the world would take a more comprehensive view of itself and decided to stop quarrelling and put more of an effort into the advancement of the human race. Then again maybe it’s just the Human way to think about ones individual advancement.