Post your best joke!

peteruk

peteruk

peteruk

Associate
Joined
27 Jan 2005
Posts
1,013
Location
Nr. Norwich, Norfolk
Hey all,

It's been a while since I've seen one of these kinda threads, and last time I got some really legendary jokes, so thought it best I start one. More to the point, I'm off on a Duke of Edinborough expedition tomorrow, and could use some good 'uns to pass the walking time!

In good faith, I'll start with 3 of my best, courtesy of Ocuk members:

1) A man visits a psychiatrist, wearing nothing but clingfilm underwear.
“Well,” says the psychiatrist, “I can clearly see your nuts.”

2) 2 muffins in a oven. One muffin says "Wow its hot in here!" The other muffin says "OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!"

3)

A man is wandering through the desert. Deprived of water for many days on end, he is dying of thirst. To his amazement, he stumbles across three market stalls set up in the middle of the sandy dunes.
He crawls up to the first one. "Water, water! Give me water!" he cries.
"I'm sorry," says the first stallholder, "I sell nothing but jelly and custard."
Somewhat confused and disheartened, the man crawls up to the second stall. "Water, water! Give me water!" he cries.
"I'm sorry," says the second stallholder, "I sell nothing but cream and sponge."
Losing hope, the man desperately crawls up to the third stall. "Water, water! Give me water! Please!" he cries.
"I'm sorry," says the third stallholder, "I sell nothing but hundreds and thousands."
"I can't believe none of you has any water," exclaims the man.

"I know," says the third stallholder, "it is a trifle bazaar."


:D


go for it, :)

peter.
 
Buttercup and Daisy were chatting as they chewed the grass.
"'Ere, have you heard about this mad-cow disease?"
"Yes, sounds nasty."
"I'm glad I'm a chicken."
 
What do you call a Welsh pimp?
A shepard.

What do you call a sheep tied to a fence in Wales?
A leisure centre.

Ho ho ho.
 
2 girls chatting at checkout que at tescos.

first girl says to the other "i bet you i can tell if a guy is single" second "ok then"
next minute a guy joins the que and puts down, 1 tomatoe, 1 slice of bacon, 1 mushroom, 1 tin of beans and 1 sausage.

girl "hey, your single fella you arent ya"

man "yes, how did you guess?"

girl "your an ugly **** arent ya"
 
An Irishman a Scotsman and an Englishman were lost in the forest and were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit.
So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The Scotsman came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The Englishman arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed. The Englishman and the Scotman met in heaven. The Scotsman asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The Englishman replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the Irishman coming with pineapples."
 
Lone ranger and Tonto crossing the desert..
Lone ranger - "Tonto we'll camp down here for tonight, you take first watch"

A couple of hours pass by and suddenly Tonto wakes the Lone ranger up screaming...

Tonto - "Bacontree, Bacontree, Bacontree!!!" he screams.
Lone Ranger - "Tonto, what the hell are you talking about, show me"

Tonto leads the Lone Ranger to a ridge a points down it.

Lone Ranger - "Tonto you stupid fool..................thats a Hambush!!!!!


DoH :p
 
I'm expecting most people have heard this but it's one of my favs anyway :D

Little Johnny is the brightest kid in his class, and finishes way ahead of all the other kids during a maths test.

To stop him from disturbing any of the other children the teacher says

"Johnny, you are so clever that I'm going to ask you an extra question. There are five birds are on a wall. You're armed with a shotgun and you shoot one of them. How many are left? "

"None." says Johnny.

"What do you mean, none?" says the teacher.

"Well, one falls dead, and the others fly away because of the noise." explains Johnny.

"Ahhh, well done Johnny. I would have said four, but I like the way you're thinking." answers the teacher.

Twenty minutes later, Johnny raises his hand.

"Miss! Miss!"

"Yes, Johnny?"

"Now, can I ask you a question?"

"Please do."

"Miss, three girls are standing next to an ice cream van, and they've all got ice creams. One is licking it, the one is biting is, and one is sucking it. Which one is married?!"

The teacher looks a bit embarrassed and says:

"Err, hm, I don't know Johnny. The one who, er...is sucking it?"

"No, Miss!" says Johnny "The one with a ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
 
Haircut said:
An Irishman a Scotsman and an Englishman were lost in the forest and were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit.
So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The Scotsman came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The Englishman arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed. The Englishman and the Scotman met in heaven. The Scotsman asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The Englishman replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the Irishman coming with pineapples."
Click to expand...


haha quality!
 
An Apache Indian With One Testicle.

There once was an Apache Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village
after being away for many years.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

So, what is the moral of this story?

.

.

.

..

..

..

...

... (You're going to love this!)

...

..

..

..

.

.

.

And the moral is...

.

.

.

...You can't kill two birds with one stone!!!
 
One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer at Asda. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five pounds...a lot quicker and better than a doctor."

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Asda. He deposits five pounds, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to Asda, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better...

...thank you for shopping at Asda
 
As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walk down the aisle, she found that her shoes were missing.

She was forced to borrow her sister's, which were a bit on the small side.

When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla retired to their room, right next door to the Queen's and Prince Phillip's.

As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped on the bed and said, "Darling, please get these shoes off, my feet are killing me."

The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigour, but it was stuck fast.

"Harder!" Camilla yelled. "Harder!" "I'm trying, darling!" The Prince yelled back.

"It's just so bloody tight!" "Come on! Give it all you've got!" There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed, "There! That's it! Oh that feels good! Oh that feels SOOO good!"

In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, "see, I told you, with a face like that she was still a virgin."

Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to pry off the left shoe.

"Oh, my God, darling! This one's even tighter!" exclaimed the heir to the throne.

At which Prince Phillip turned to the Queen and said, "That's my boy! Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"
 
One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses.

When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again.

It was a majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.

Suddenly,one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.

Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why are you laughing, Mister?"

"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied. "I'm a gynaecologist"...
 
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