Quick random joke

A Scotsman goes into a barber's and enquires as to the price of a haircut.

£10, says the barber.

How much for a shave? asks the Scotsman.

£5, says the barber.

Fine, shave my head please.
 
A man sits on a train opposite a little old lady. As soon as they leave the station, she takes a Bible out of her handbag and reads it intently.

When they arrive at the next station, she tucks it away, then takes it out again as soon as the train is on the move.

At the next station, the same happens, and so on to the end of the line.

"Excuse me," he says eventually, "I can't help asking. Why do you read your Bible only when the train is moving, then put it back in your handbag when we stop?"

She looks at him and says, "Why don't you just **** off?"
 
The other day I was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend and the phone rang.
I picked it up and a voice on the other end said, "I'm looking at you through the window. I'm going to rape you."
I looked at my girlfriend and said, "It's for you."
 

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